I Now Know What It Feels Like to Be In Jail

It's Saturday morning and clearly my parents have either had great sex or they won some money because they suggested we do something together as a family. We ain't down with that Little House on the Prairie type of lifestyle so when they mention "family time" it usually means they're in a great mood and have money to spend. My brother suggests we go to this Japanese restaurant we visited back in the summer. I love that spot, they cook the food right in front of you and the Japanese nigga will start throwing shit and lighting fires and go on a mad chopping frenzy, pretty cool shit. Of course I want to finish the Louisville/UConn game so I keep telling them to calm down and give me 5 more minutes. Finally the game is over and I'm down a grand so now I'm pissed off, I'm ready to ruin this white people family time bullshit.

For starters, my pops is playing "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel in the car. The fuck is a black dude playing that gay ass shit for. This dude probably thinks he's Michael Landon, I repeatedly say "take that shit off" then he just puts it up louder and my mom has enough and tells us both to piss off. An excellent start to this family day. 5 minutes later they start arguing about directions and my dad starts driving like a Chink. My mom's getting more and more pissed off and after a few more arguments, we're at the Japanese restaurant and I'm happy again because I get to see the Japanese nigga light fires and play with knives. We get to the front door and it's locked, we're too late and they're closed, they'll re-open for dinner. Both of them forget that I was the one that delayed them for an hour while watching UConn/Louisville and my mom blames my dad for getting lost and they go at it again. My mom picks another restaurant called "Fire and Ice"...I'll soon find out why they chose that name. We get to Fire and Ice and I'm pissed off cause this is some healthy shit, I didn't want this bullshit. 

The restaurant has a weird concept, you pick your protein, for example I chose beef. Then you get up, head over to a specific area and select a whole bunch of raw vegetables, you carry it in a bowl, hand it to the chef and he cooks it for you. Here's where I learned something about myself. Other people's misery sometimes brings me joy, especially a stranger. Don't judge me, I'm autistic. So I think to myself, what a perfect time to compensate for the fact that I can't see the Japanese guy play with the knives. I grab 2 bowls and in it I put the most random raw veggies/fruits you could possibly think of. Pineapples, Jalapenos (half of a bowl full), baby spinach, cabbage, carrots, red onions, string beans, zucchini, regular lettuce, water chestnuts, almonds and  I stole some macaroni from the salad bar and put it in. Both the chef and my parents look at me with the "what the fuck is wrong with you," kinda look and I could tell this chef is pissed off. You're only supposed to pick one or 2 Items and I pick enough to feed Zimbabwe for the next century. The chef is just looking at me in awe wondering what the fuck he's supposed to do with this. 

Everyone's food comes back but mine as the waitress tells me mine is going to take a while. 25 minutes later she comes back with my plate. I should have sensed something wrong after the first bite but you know the motherfucker made it work. I don't know how he did it, I don't think I want to know how, but the food tasted great. About 5 bites in my eyes start to water, fuck it was hot. I'm no pussy either I love hot shit but by the time I was finished, I was sweating like a Muslim at the US Border. 30 mins later we get home and my stomach starts to rumble. Oh fuck here we go. I rush to the bathroom and let me just say this, I now know what it feels like to be a dude named Ashley who is in prison. For those 10 minutes I felt worse than a gay porn star in a gang bang scene. 30 minutes later (10 for the violation of my asshole, 10 to reflect on what had just happened, 10 for a shower because baby-wipes were as good as cactus plants) I come out and my mom looks at me and in a Trinidadian accent says "Good for you." I'll never be the same again, karma at its finest.

NCAAB:
$300 UMass -1 -110= Return of $572.73 (W)
$400 Iowa/Michigan over 126 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)
$300 Washington -4 -110 (L)
$400 Providence +4.5 -110 (L)
NHL:
$400 Team Lindstrom -115= Return of $747.83 (W)
NFL:
$500 AFC -110 (L)
NBA:
$600 Boston/LA over 183.5 -110= Return of $1145.45 (W)
$300 Philly/Denver over 208 -110= Return of $572.73 (W)
$300 Suns/N.O. over 196 -110= Return of $572.73 (W)
Play of the Day:
$1000 South Alabama -3 -110 (L)

Total Wagered: $4500
Total Returned: $4375.11
Total Loss: $124.89
Total Earned to Date: $19601.72

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.