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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Tuesday the 20th.

Last Tuesday I realized something. Starring at a mirror (like it always happens) I realized I was a cunt. I realized I had been living roughly 10 months in misery, self pity, self-inflicted pain, torture, the works. Things don't always go as planned as we all know but for one reason or another, in my life when they don't, I have a strong tendency to self-destruct, or seemingly self-destruct.  If I spent 10 months pissing time away like this because of things I can't change, because I'm too weak to deal with things I had no control over, then clearly I have a lot of making up to do. To myself and to time. Now a "normal person" would say tomorrow is a new day and start making changes. If there's one thing you could get from this is that I'm not normal. I gave myself 5 days. 5 days of alcohol, mind altering substances, torture, self-destruction, the most unhealthy foods you could imagine. 5 days of all things negative spanning from Toronto to Ohio (where I carefully planned this behavior ending). 10 months wasn't enough, I wanted 5 more days. 5 more days to unleash a vigorous but carefully executed path to destruction. I ended friendships, I fought everyone including myself, I put my stomach, mind, body, soul, all through torture in an effort to leave it in Ohio. 

The plane departs from Hopkins and I could barely move. My body numb from ingesting chewing tobacco the night before. My head hurts, my legs can't move, there aren't enough words in the human dictionary to compensate for this feeling. People are upset at me, people want me hurt, people want me destroyed, but my mind is in full motion. "Pink Matter" is blaring from the I-Phone on this 38 minute flight, and it's time to get this party started. This was all carefully executed as I mentioned before, I know what I'm doing. Sure I didn't cater to the whole ingesting tobacco thing, I didn't cater on wishing death on people but it was all carefully executed. On that plane I was the lowest human being who ever lived, by my own doing, on purpose. In order to feel happiness one has to experience insurmountable pain. In order to feel pleasure one has to know what "gross" feels like. To appreciate life, one has to walk through miles of death, miles of torture, miles of sorrow to truly appreciate what is out there. Therefore if I spent the last 10 months walking through my own hell, that I created because I wanted to compensate for things I have no control over, then surely I could spend the next 100 months appreciating everything around me. 

Every human interaction is carefully designed. I don't want to say "God" because my God and your God aren't the same, but there are indescribable things in this world that just sometimes fall into place. I was never lost, I never had a more difficult life than everyone else, I never went through hell. I just made myself belief these things. Hell is when you're incapable of loving, incapable of making someone love you. Incapable of moving, incapable of experiencing anything beyond the most toxic of emotions. That is not me. I'm far from hell but like I said, when you walk through your own filth, you find a deep appreciation for your own beauty and the beauty around you. I left my pain in Cuyahoga county. Let's see where this gets me. 

Stay tuned.