Fucked Up Weekend, Random Shit, and Leaking Photos of Me and Cartman

 

So hold up. Some of y'all think it's cool to be posting your biceps and shit huh. Well me and Cartman had sex today. Then he gave me some head. Y'all ain't got shit on me. I want the internet world to see how great Cartie is at taking it doggy. Alright enough of that, I can't sleep so I'll blog. Fucking sober as ever. Did the pub thing today and had water and fucking lemons. People looking at me asking me if I'm a Born Again Christian, sad shit. So I came back, fell asleep for most of the Colts game, had sex with Cartie and now I can't sleep. Let me tell y'all bout my fucked up weekend:

My boy hit me up a few days ago, told me he is really digging his girl. He then said the words I love to hear "I got one for you too." I guess he got paid because he wanted to go to the Woodbine Slots. For starters, I don't really fuck with casinos. I've seen people piss on themselves, everyone in the place looks like a pedophile and I don't like giving my money to the government. But I figured why not, I'm only going to drop a 20. So I meet chick and we all head down. Within 40 minutes, dude is down 7 bills and kicked a machine. For starters, he works for fucking minimum wage, as a motherfucking tailor and he dropped 7 bills. The progressive bonus aside, he was playing $1 wheel of fortune. The most you can win on that shit is a grand, if lucky. Dude dropped 7 bills for that bullshit. So of course he's getting thrown out and the girl he was with fucking flipped. He tells her "you're walking back bitch." Now naturally, I would have given her cab-fare but she decides to flip on me telling me I encouraged dude to drop 7 bills. Ya walk your ass home. No disrespect either but I make far too much money to be dealing with dark-skinned people. So I wasn't digging the chick I was with, I'm sure she was nice and shit but get your ashy self the fuck out of here. After about 12 free coffees (the Mexican server really knew how to mix a coffee) I come home and my parents are chilling with some white people. 

This is where the demise starts. I sit down and mix one vodka and cranberry. Didn't get a buzz, I kept going hard because I kept saying " where the fuck is my buzz?" So after the vodka, then bacardi, then Malibu, I finally stand up and fuck, it hit me. I wish I had stood up earlier. Now I'm drunk but the good kind of drunk and mom is yelling at me for all the drinking and I'm telling her to chill and she finally goes to bed. Now I'm in that nice-mode, 3 years ago me and my boy were going at it and I told him I wish he was dead. For whatever reason, I decide to address it last night. He's drunk 320 days out of the year but last night is the one fucking day he's sober. So we talk about it and the fucker doesn't even remember it. Then I start telling him how he's like family to me and shit and he says "ya man I wanted to tell you this the other day" So why the fuck didn't you, you faggot. Anyway, I holla at my homegirl as well, I thought she was sleeping but nope. She had some really nice stuff to say though, so I'm feeling nice. Then she tells me about how she can't sleep because she dreamed someone killing her in a warehouse. Great. She starts with "there's something special about you and you have a massive cock" (k I made that part up, dont shoot) and then ends the convo with "someone is trying to chop my head off"  I holla at another chick on msn webcam as well. Things had gone sour between us months ago but I wanted her to make sure she knew there was no hard feelings. So things are going good....then I get that "you got mail" message. I knew I should have never opened it up.

This is a chick I'm trying to smash emailing me with "I'm going on a date tomorrow, it's so out of my comfort zone to do this." Nah, she didn't stand a chance last night, I had Beanie Sigel on repeat and like I said I'm trying to smash it and she's talking about a date. Big mistake. See the average dude who hears that shit would probably say "good I'm so glad" and then cry or take pictures of his biceps or something. Not me though, I'm not that faggot Charlie's brother on 2 and a half men. The fuck I look like, Richard Simmons? Nah, poor girl didn't do anything and I went all Jackie Chan on her ass. See I have to adapt to this bird. She's like Lilith from Cheers, except she's a dime. Y'all telling me you wouldn't wife a hot version of Lilith?? So I keep wondering why the fuck is Lilith talking to me, I'm like Woody from Cheers. See what I mean? I'm so used to you basic people that when I get a respectable white chick I'm destined to fuck shit up. So fuck it, I wasn't about to hear about Lilith and her date and I went ape shit. Oh well, that's just me haha.

Now I'm bothered by my convo with Lilith and the inevitable nightmare about someone killing me in a warehouse. I pop in 8 mile and watch it on dvd. I crash around 6:30 and was up by 8, probably still drunk. My parents must have some crazy sex because they're up all the motherfucking time. Always happy and shit too. I chill with them for a bit, we watch some gay shit on Woman's tv called "Old Christine" Then the weird shit continued. They went to get groceries so I decided to have a shower, maybe I'd feel better. I swear I open the shower and stare at it for 10 minutes and I swear on my life I was getting clean just by watching the fucking shower. See how fucked I am. Eventually I tell myself I need to stop fucking around and I have a shower. It's now 8:30 and no one is around but Lindsay.

I've introduced some of y'all to Lindsay..she's a fucking Skype Princess. She's the type that would make you leave your wife for that box. You guys aren't living right unless you know someone like this. She isn't a heaux, she just has an addiction to sex. She's down for whatever, whoever, whenever. We fight like every fucking day because we butt heads a lot and everything we talk about revolves around the topic of sex. Could you imagine I had a real life convo with Lindsay. Lindsay and I actually had a heart to heart......fucked up day. Then there's the whole facebook incident that I won't get into now but it was all fun and games until someone told me they were straight then used this " : p " If you a straight dude and you use that emoticon, you are a fucking homo. Peace, oh and fuck Liverpool. 

Recapping the Night: 

NBA:
$300 Bulls -1 -110 (L)
$300 Utah/Memphis over 195.5 -110= Return of $572.73 (W)
$600 Spurs/Pacers over 200.5 -110 (L)
$600 Celtics/Raptors over 199 -110= Return of $1145.45 (W)

NCAAF:
$500 LSU -2.5 -110= Return of $954.55 (W)

Play of the Day:
$1000 LSU/Texas A&M over 49.5 -110= Return of $1909.09 (W)

NCAAF:
$400 Kentucky/Pitt under 52.5 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)
$400 Pitt -4 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)

NFL:
$400 Seahawks +10.5 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)
$400 Seahawks/Saints over 45 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)
$400 Colts/Jets over 44.5 -110 (L)

Play of the Day:
$1000 Jets +3 -130= Return of $1769.23 (W)

Total Wagered: $6300
Total Returned: $9405.61
Total Profit: $3105.61
Total Earned to Date: $14352.43

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.