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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Back like I never left: Crying Season

I feel like I have been missing a part of me and I feel like people don't get to see the real me anymore. They are forced to deal with the white collar, chicken tikka masala and naan eating Aaron, well fuck that. I'm back bringing you my opinion, my thoughts on everything from cooked crack to your mother's bush, let's work. Welcome to crying season. About 2 years ago it was Canada Day weekend and I was in a pool with 3 fine women all who were twerking and doing other various exercises. My girlfriend at the time was at home crying for who knows what but I didn't care, I was in my prime. 4 months later she found someone else cheated and left me, sometime in Mid-October. That's when I invented crying season. 73% of you who read this will experience a break up between now and March, that's crying season. It's a season where you do nothing but cry while feeling sick. Unable to eat, unable to drink, and unable to enjoy life, you lock yourself in a room while listening to Adele "21" while envisioning her new man plowing her from the back while she screams "Daddy." That, is crying season. 

I've created something of a guide to help you get through this rough time. My boy is going through it right now and told me he'd do anything in the world to get his girlfriend back, despite the fact that she gained 75lbs (no exaggeration). Well guess what, I just saw her on facebook liking some dude's pics, every single one. That's what crying season does to you, it reduces you to nothing. The thoughts are in your head, the scenes are replayed and there is no way out, besides crying and listening to Adele. But read this blog and you might feel a bit better. Let's start with her, she seems happy now that you're out the picture. Happiness doesn't last forever, she's going to be miserable just not at the same time as you are miserable, accept that. Remember this: Xvideos and are your friends. They are to help you get through this time of misery, use them as use them wisely. Explore a little bit,maybe you like them mature, maybe you like them amateur, just use what Bill Gates has provided. Once the porn gets old it's time to get out and participate in some filth activities. 

Now, these filth activities won't make the crying go away, it won't make you stronger and here's the key: It won't raise your self esteem. However, it's necessary to feel normal again. Go out to the strip club and spend $80 on the hottest chick as she dances to "Cake" by Rihanna. Go out to pub night and finger pop some girl while some shitty fat kids are doing Karaoke over a Macklemore track. Go out on vacation, get black out  drunk, and make passionate love with a fat chick from Idaho. Explore. (warning: if you end up on the casual encounter section of Craigslist then you took it too far)

Eventually, and I'm talking 8-18 months, the pain will go away. You'll realize that you made too many mistakes and she wasn't right for you. You'll realize that all along, it was your fear of being lonely that motivated the relationship. You'll find someone else that you'll learn to appreciate. Until then, embrace Crying Season. Play that Adele on repeat, stalk her on the social networks even though deep down you know everything you see will pile drive your face into the concrete. Text her asking for coffee as she ignores despite having those read receipts on. Just know, we've all been through this. Enjoy Crying Season.