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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

One of the Craziest Times Of My Life-Thursday

Before I start, if any of y'all motherfuckers catch me drinking in the month of June. I'll go to Walmart, buy hot pink panties and a bra and wear that shit and post a pic, no homo. I'm a man of my word as well. Me and alcohol are taking a break.

I've had a crazy couple of weeks so I want to tell y'all how I ended up in the city posted on today's pic, Costa Mesa, California. This started on Thursday night before the long weekend. It's been a roller-coaster year. For whatever reason these last couple of weeks have been up and down. Make no mistake, they're up right now and they'll probably remain that way but let's get into it. On Thursday before I left for NYC I got a big ass stash of some absinthe related stuff. Anise green stems. A variation of absinthe that will fuck you up with one drop. I do a quarter of a bottle. Then I get in a fight with shorty. It was pretty fucking bad but I don't really remember it. It went along the lines of "fuck you, get out of my life, I'm going to fuck your friend." About a week later she told me "don't worry about it, it was all her fault." That's when you know you have a luxurious life, you say shit to hot white people and they still take the fall when it was clearly all on me.

But anyways from what I remember I'm fucking wasted. Then I pissed my pants. Truth is it ain't like I sat there and just started to pee. I went to the bathroom, started pissing and all of a sudden the noise where it hits the water, just stopped. I wasn't watching my dick when I was pissing and it went on my boxers. Now I'm thinking fuck I can't go upstairs to get boxers, they'll know I'm drunk. So I wash my dick off in the bathtub and I wrap myself in a fucking bedsheet I found somewhere downstairs. Then I spend the rest of the time listening to Alice Cooper. I decide to watch " Up in the Air." I'm thinking fuck I'm going to end up like George Clooney in that shit. Now I'm fucking angry. In my drunken state I grab an old facebook account and try to add every chick in Orange county named "Jessica, Christine, and Angela." I was going with generic ass names.

I sent messages to over 1000 people giving them a link to the blog, telling them I'm wasted but if the world ends on Saturday then Cali is the place I want to be, if we're talking about idealism. I'm still fucking angry and I don't know why so I say fuck it, if the world were to end (I knew it wasn't but thinking about idealism) this isn't the way I'm going out. I open up google, keep in mind I'm not even wearing pants, a fucking bed sheet. I start to google psychiatrists, it's now 6:30am on Friday morning. I find  one charging $170/hour near Bay St. I say fuck it, I'm going to see what this shit is about. I pack some vodka and cranberry in my backpack and I head out the door for a 7:30 appointment, pretty hammered but somewhat coherent.

I get to the office and say listen lady I know all about your Gesalt techniques. I know what "the book" has taught you to do. But I'm a fucking angry person for no reason. You know it wasn't for no real reason. The fact of the matter is I tried to help someone months ago and then the feds tried to pin me down for "abuse and negligence" on some of the biggest bullshit I ever seen in my life. I wanted to fix how I felt about that whole situation. I put the alcohol on the table and I say fuck your chair I'm standing up. I got $150 dollars, I'm going to talk for 55 minutes and in 5 minutes I want you to give me one fucking sentence to fix this. I'll give you the next $20 when I have it. She's startled but allows me to continue. I start telling her about my childhood and shit I've encountered in my life. Then I start yelling about how a Mini-Wheats commercial fucked up my day and how I hate prices and value is based on ill-constructed myths. I'm going on and on. She's just staring at me in awe. I tell her how I fucking hate so much shit because I live in a world of mediocrity, where I'm trapped and scared of what I might become. I go on and on and on.

After the 55 minutes are up she says, "go on." I say nah fuck it I'm done what's wrong with me. Her response, and I swear this shit sobered me right up. " Not a thing, you're brilliant and if the world had a thought process like you did it'd be such a better place. You're exactly what I needed on a day like today. I don't want your money, you helped me." I'm blankstaring the fuck out of this lady thinking this is not what I want to hear.

The story continues tomorrow.

Monday, May 30, 2011

About to Get Deep, The ICU

Before I get into it and brace yourself, this will be a long one. I just want to say that I found out today a blog follower Jucksey passed away on Friday. We only started speaking after I got back from Vegas and he saw me on ustream but in the brief conversations I've had with him, you won't meet a nicer guy. RIP Ken, I'll fucking miss you. 

Secondly, recently a lot of people have been asking about how they can save these blogs if there's a program that compacts them all etc. There's a website called When I try to make the shit happen it says it exceeds the maximum number of pages or some bullshit but from December 27th 2009 (the day this blog started) to December 27th 2010 they quoted me $51.95 on black and white. $7 for the E-book though if you're interested.  It's a fucking recession though, that shit is a few pints smh.

My mom's cousin, who was an alcoholic for most of his life has spent the last week in an ICU. Complete organ failure, he's going out George Best style. Him and I got close the last 24 months or so I've decided to pretty much move my life in that ICU waiting room. I used to try to get him to wake up but the more I think about it, the brain damage is far too extensive. Id be lying if I said I was praying for him to come out okay. Lost cause, I'm hoping he goes as quickly as possible. He might be responding to me talking these days, I get a little leg movement here and there but if he does come out I have a sneaking suspicion he'll be a vegetable. Though you spend a week in an ICU waiting room you begin to learn a thing or two about death. Allow me to share. 

When dealing with death, here are some things to keep in mind. 

Make A Will- Whether you love or hate your family, give your assets to someone that isn't the fucking government. Even if you have a grand in the bank account, everyone over the age of 30 should have one. Give it to a neighbour, donate it, request that it be spent on strippers and prostitutes, but don't leave it. Especially not out of spite.

Your Past Follows You Around- Whether you would want to admit it, whether you care, whether it's right or wrong, your past follows you around. I'm watching this nigga fight for his life and yet he spent 40 something years burning bridges. People are around but they don't give a fuck and deep down I don't really blame them. Whether we want to admit it or not, the past defines who you are. It doesn't go away and you can't escape it. Every last minute counts, so make it count. Do whatever the fuck you want to do and make you happy. Live for no one because in the end life moves on, you don't.

Very few people give a fuck about you- That's the motherfucking truth. You could be anything in the world but truth is, you only mean shit to a very select few amount of people. Sure, they'll come, they'll cry, they'll pretend to be distraught but the truth is, they're doing it because they have to. The real ones are the ones who love you today and you don't even need to think about it, you'll know who they are. The most frequent sentence I've heard in that waiting room is " What could I do for them???" That's the truth, people are more concerned about their well being, even in a perfect state than yours when you're in hell. Everyday there's someone in their bitching about parking or how they can't help. Truth is they really can't do anything for you when you're in a coma. With that said, the amount of people who repeat their helplessness is unreal. They state their helplessness because they want the world to know that if they could help, they would, but they can't but they're still here. It's fucking unsettling hearing the worlds "what could we do?" The fucking answer is nothing but the world don't need to hear it.

Humanity is a bitch- I struggle with this one. Since being in that waiting room I've encountered about 10 families. Everytime you hear "code blue" you know it's bad. Everytime I heard "code blue" I'm secretly hoping someone else in that waiting room has to deal with it and not me. Some of those people I'd consider friends. You see the stress, torment and hell in their faces but code blue comes out and it's like every man for themselves. It's weird and I try to fight the feeling but I can't. Don't give a fuck if it's human nature or not, it fucking sucks hoping someone else in there is dead and not the person you're there for. 

Someone in there hates you and will be glad you're gone- You won't know who it is but rest assured people are happy you're gone. I don't give a fuck what you did in this world, there will always be someone who is secretly praying for you to go. I haven't figured out why yet, but it's true.

Last words of advice: Change.

If you're unhappy, then get yourself happy. This shit creeps up on you and as I repeated already, life moves on, you don't. It's too late for every motherfucker in that ICU room. Speaking on a very personal level, my cousin could have changed and made things right. He didn't. Don't be that person, don't live just to breathe. Be however the fuck you want to be so long as your happy. Don't give a fuck what people think, they'll formulate their own opinions and you should not do anything to influence them. Let them think what they think. The ones that love you unconditionally for who you are, who you once were or who you are about to become  are the ones who you should devote most of your attention to. It's a cold dark world filled with warm bright lights, use it to your advantage. Don't spend a minute in this world thinking it's too late. Once you're breathing, walking, talking, moving, then you aren't already dead. You got it in you to make shit right, for you and no one else. While your past may define you to a certain extent, don't let past events dictate you or consume you. Make the world yours by becoming happy, your life wasn't worth it if you weren't happy in the time you spent here. Im out, peace.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I won't be around for a while. Life thought it would be cool to get in the way lol. I could really use a 15 year vacation. Take it easy and fuck the nigga who said the world was ending. Keep me in ur prayers. Thanks in advance.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I'm off for like a week

Doing this shit on my blackberry fuck its hard to type and I'm drunk drinking a fucking plant an shit. I'm going to new york so I could die on sunday. Lmao I'm kidding but if we all die thx for the support.

Before I go I don't ask ffor much but do me a fave. My boy MK doin a thing for cystic fibrosis ( fuck its hard to type real shit when drunk) Anyways there are 2 kids involved. If you got it please give what u can. I'd link it direct but I dunno how to do that on my phone so please visit and directions on how to donate are there. Thx

Shit I Figured Out This Week

Before I start I feel like I have a wide audience and I bet there's a few of you motherfuckers that would contemplate risking it all for 15 mins with Rebecca Black. So there we go, that pic is for y'all you twisted fucks LMAO.

I figured out some shit this week, a bunch of random stuff, but here goes:

-While Beyonce's song "Who Run the World" must be the most annoying song ever, strippers love it. It gives them empowerment and they put on the extra work when it comes on.

-A lot of you guys ruined the game. I remembered having conversations with people. " Oh I need to see a girl's mother first before I date her to see how she is built." " I can't do a girl that smokes." " I hate tattoos." " I need a girl who has been with less than 10 men." Fuck, men are worse than chicks I swear. Box is box, if everything is good behind it who gives a fuck if she works as a grocery store cart girl. Y'all are fucked.

-Best girls on this planet are: Home Depot Employees. For whatever reason, they're fucking hot and they hate their lives so they just want someone who is "different." Trust me, don't sleep on those home depot employees. All 22-28 year old girls in College who sit their for 8 hours board out of their minds in that orange cape shit, they're starving for that dick.

-The lesbian girl I told y'all about has now changed her orientation from "Lesbian" to "Lesbian with a hit of Bi-ness." Yea I'm not going to even go here "email me and if I'm in town I'll 100% be there." I'm chillin tho....

-I think I'm going to lower my tolerance even further towards people and just get more angrier. If I have another week like this week I'm going to youtube incidents like "driving 100mph into a brick wall." "destroying laptop" and "taking a sledgehammer to public transportation headquarters." It'll be thoroughly entertaining, I promise....

-People who strive on being different, putting up a front and spend their lives convincing others of who they are will forever be faggots.

-Fuck just received " i want to talk to you about a few things," never a good sign when I get texts like that LMAO

-I've learned more from the show House than I have learned from both my parents and every teacher/professor I've ever had, combined. Scary but astonishing.

-Never understood the infatuation of shit like Maxim and other magazines that have semi-naked girls. I'm talking about the niggas who buy magazines to look at girls. a) You're never going to hit it so why bother, what's the pleasure in "staring" at something hot. b) Trust me, compare the girl you're staring at to your wife, girlfriend, or fifth grade crush, after spending time but both I bet you'll take the latter.

-Think about the person you love most in this world. Now if you kill that person, you save 100 lives. Would you? Deep down I think I would but I don't know, I hear them Wikileaks folks ask people shit like that as part of the interview process. It's a good question when you think about it. I want to say I'd save the 100, and I'm not even thinking of it all that morally, but who knows. This question's been mindfucking me all week LMAO. Fuck it I've just convinced myself I would, scary when the person you love the most is you.

- If you order a milkshake by itself with no side order, you're a faggot. Just imagine yourself slurping that shit with a straw and all that. Nah, you're gay.

- I've been looking at someone in class for about 2 weeks straight now and I still can't figure out this person's gender. It's starting to piss me off, it's the first time I've seen it split down the middle, this person could really go either way.

-Why is the world so re-assuring? Ever hear a politician talk. Or anyone in a position of power. Next time you listen to the news and there's an authoritative figure on the screen listen to how re-assuring they sound. It's like they keep repeating the words "everything will be okay, everything will be okay, everything will be okay." In 7 million different ways.....

I'm out.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I Don't Know What To Think......

Shit before I begin, check the video out to understand today's blog. Before I forget, I finally found it. On Friday night, my Indian boy was jamming this in his car. Me and Cheeba were drunk as fuck we had this shit on repeat all night. Windows down, we kept playing it, before you know it there were all types of people in cars next to us dancing and shit, The mystery behind the Punjabi Song is solved LMAO: The Punjabi Song that Could Turn Any Club Around

Enough of that, by now I hope you checked the video I posted for the girl that does retards. Truth be told I ain't disrespectful so I hope retarded is the right word. You know I pride myself on formulating opinions, gauging situations and reading people, almost obsessively trying to figure shit out. But I don't know what to think with this situation. For starters, I buy it. Retards need their dick sucked too, even if they can't feel it or don't fully understand what's going on, most of them need some form of affection.

But you got that chick who goes around fucking all of them and getting that cash. Naturally if she was ugly I'd say she was masking some insecurities. Maybe deep down she got psychological issues but a part of me believes that she truly does believe in the shit that she's doing. But then I think, how many of y'all will hit that. I'm calling a spade a spade, I'm wrong for saying this but I ain't sticking my dick in her for free. Nah fuck all that. At the same time she's also doing people with the mental capacity of children, nah fuck that. Fuck I'll be right back I'm going to jack off to Bliss on the Latin Channel.

Fuck it was just a commercial, like I was saying. this chick is jacking off retards and shit. I don't know what to think. Semi-disgusting, semi-remarkable, unexplainable. I get it, them niggas got needs to but who wants to fuck them. Let's be honest, how many people can say they are attracted to retards. "Oh shit I seen that hot autistic girl walking down the street." Nah. A big part of sex, is attraction, so she isn't sexually pleased by whatever she's doing. Those niggas are special because of intrinsic abilities I couldn't even begin to explain. Retards give compassion, joy, and a level of innocence that one would idolize, but they aren't externally attractive and there needs to be some emphasis placed on it. So in other words I'm fucking confused. She's doing a good thing, but I can't figure out why. She's doing a bad thing because there's so much more to sex than what she claims to give, but then them dudes got needs too. 

Fuck I'm confused.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The World Is Motherfucking Ending On Saturday

First of all, I've done a lot of fucked up shit in my life. But nothing is worse than replying to an email from a chick's mother who probably wants you dead. Nigga when I saw her name pop up in my blackberry my heart stopped. Shorty has a file on her desktop named "Aaron" and in that particular file there was personal shit that we shared. Her mom went into the file and saw what was good, thankfully she hasn't emailed me about that...yet, and her matter was totally unrelated.

I'm mentally drained these days tho so if I take a minute to respond to your emails it's because I'm fucking frustrated and need this dick sucked. Stress from everything got my neck paining and shit, trying to multi-task got me feeling like the fucking Hulk. If it weren't for this weekend I would have thrown my laptop 30 feet in the air and not think twice. Which brings me to my blog.

So niggas, we bout to die according to this. Judgement Day. It's funny, the President of the United States says he killed Obama and I take it with a grain of salt but I'm not taking any chances with these crazy ass motherfuckers. These niggas spend their lives reading the bible, there is a 99.9% chance I wake up all fine on Sunday morning, but there's a 0.1% chance I won't. So I been thinking about this for most of today, On Saturday I'll be in NYC. I'm dead ass serious I'm going to make the most of Saturday. But before I leave for the weekend it's open season. If we haven't had sex and you want to bang, now's the fucking time. I leave on Friday so we got three days to get feelings out in the open. I'm going in raw too. I also need some anal, never did that in my life. If you have something to tell me and you never did, now's the motherfucking time. World ending and shit, don't hold no hatred in your heart. Let me have it. 

I think I'm going to raw a stripper on Saturday. For the last little while I've been keeping my dick in my pants, trying to be a good person, but it's all getting unraveled before midnight. I'm trying to plan it out. Things I will do in NYC before it's all said and done:

1) Have sex with my ex who lives there over and over and over and over til you can no longer move.  In case I forget to email you I'm staying in Elmhurst on Saturday and I think I'll sleep in the Bronx on Sunday. I know I told you I wouldn't fuck you but I've had a change of heart.

2) Raw a stripper. But i ain't stupid I know there's a good chance I could chance i could wake up on Sunday and those crazy white people were lying. Shit I ain't going in raw fuck it, I might fuck a stripper though, it has been a while. But I'm setting rules: she could only be from Jersey Girls or Sin City, nothing else. 
3) Have anal sex. So: to my ex, can I??? the world is ending.
4) Devote my entire Saturday to one of the few things in this world that has loved me unconditionally. Patron. I'm going to fucking have patron soaked in toast for breakfast I swear on my life, me and that bottle will not be separated. 

5) I'm contemplating eating pussy. It's been years since I have, I been saving it for "the one" mainly cause I ain't sticking my mouth in some place I won't ever be returning. But then I think "the one" is just an illusion and I'm bugging, I shouldn't die without the taste of box in my mouth for 6 years but at the same time ain't none of y'all worth it. Fuck I'll take the loss on this one and wait it out. 

6) On Saturday, every single one of my meals will be accompanied with my favorite food: Fries. Breakfast lunch and dinner will all include fries.

7) If it ain't Mountain Dew Code Red or Alcohol this weekend, I ain't drinking it.

8) Foresome? This one will take convincing, if I really wanted it I'm sure I could have it. But I don't see the pleasure in this one. I've done the threesome deal it's not as easy, or pleasurable as it appears. Nah I'll skip this one too. 

9) Butterscotch ice cream, that shit is a must.

10) The Doors "5 to 1" will be the only song playing from 9pm to midnight. Perfect song to listen to before you're about to die.

11) I want street meat (no homo) therefore I'm going to be devouring some hot dogs (no homo again) this upcoming weekend. 

12) Steal a bunch of shit from my hotel room. This is just in case I wake up on Sunday and still have my life. I'll have glasses, a fridge, a chair and some shampoo too. I'm dead ass serious as well, I know I could pull this off.

13) Try to fuck Adele. I'm going to the show on Saturday, I'm missing the Yankees for this but I'll catch them on Sunday if the world is still around. I'm don't know how I'll do this but I'm going to attempt to do Adele, raw. She fat anyway, she shouldn't be picking and choosing. 

14) Punch a Mets fan in his face. Dead ass serious about this as well. Two years ago I was going to my hotel from a Yankee game in the Bronx. Those Mexicans caught me slipping and rolled out the guns just outside the Grand Ave- Newton station. Took the chain right off my neck, about 200 USD, and a fucking Mars Bar. Payback is a bitch, someone with a Mets hat is going to catch it.

15) I need some Cannolis and Tiramisu this weekend, it's also a must.

That's all I got y'all, make the most of Saturday...just in case.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Weekend Recap

Hold up before I start I have to send a message to a person. See she's been curving me. (curve means rejecting) Truth be told I see right through this chick and she swears she's a lesbian and blah blah blah. So over the past little while I been making it known, I'm going to hit it. But she says no no no. Then I find out this: You know I'm coming and you claim you ain't giving me nothing. But, you go to your other friend and ask her if it's okay if you and I fuck......but I thought you were a lesbian Katryn......????? :)

Learned some interesting things this past weekend, here we go:

- That Punjabi song bangs hard LMAO, those white people on the street were going off. "sanyana gooli gooli" or some shit haha.

anddddddd fuck shit came up. off to work. will try this again on Tuesday (sportswriting is a bitch)

Friday, May 13, 2011

I'll Get Back When I get Back

In the meantime fuck with me: The Aftermath of the Saga

Fuck With Me Here too: my other shit
Then Here: Article on Life, Love, and Happiness

Also I need a favor, for whoever knows me on a personal basis. I need you to promise me, regardless how my life is turning/turned out in 10 years, please politely remind me that it was always my dream to be in a place where 23 degree weather with sun is the norm, everyday. 

Back Monday, hopefully.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Society sucks again

Random but I bodied that casserole so I'm posting it to show all you fine ladies I could cook (and clean) once you earn the money so I don't have to work in a cubicle. 

Society hit me twice today on some bullshit. First, I went back to my old hood today. It was nice outside and I felt like living. It's been a while since I went out and experienced life, first hand. So first thing, I get an email from someone (a 15 yr old girl) and I smile. She's going through some things and they appear to be all cleared up. But anyways, I'm reading that shit off my blackberry, smiling. Someone think it's a naked pic because of my smile so they ask to see. I show them. Then those niggas start interrogating. Wouldn't believe I could talk to someone 15 without any motives. Just a dose of what we've become....

Then I'm walking home with someone and I got to cut across an elementary school to get home. So there's a girl probably about 8 but she looked younger. Anyways she was rocking this hat, can't describe it but the thing was unbelievably cute. So I tell dude " yo check out how cute that little girl looks with her hat and matching knapsack. " Blankstare. Clearly, today I forgot where I was. Just made me look back and think, wow how times have changed, everything immediately gets systematically categorized as immoral no matter what the motive is, in some cases. 

Oh and back in my own hood I realized something. 11 years ago when I started jacking off and shit I've always been a milf person. So there were a few milfs in the hood, aged 44 and 45 and shit and I'd come home and jack off. Today I came across a few of them, fucking 55 and 56 year olds and I'm thinking what the fuck. Mindfuck of a lifetime. 

But enough of that, today I want to talk about the red dot. Woke up to a lovely email involving my first name. I've grown accustomed to the fact that anytime anyone ever calls me "Aaron" I'm in trouble. My friends, brother, mother, hell even coworkers from back in the day never called me Aaron, I got a trillion nicknames. So she's mad and I could tell because she said my name, we discuss it, and I'm fine. Actually all I did was tell her how sexy she looks in the sun. *ducks under table* But then I think about it, everything was because of that red dot, you know the one. Life ain't fair y'all. For starters, men, we need that red dot. Trust me I can't hate the red dot. Because once upon a time someone didn't get the red dot for 11 days and I started freaking out, well we both did. Eventually it came on the 12th day but fuck man never again, I respect and value that red dot.

However, today made me look back at my life and realize, that red shit probably cost me a lot back in the day. I'll admit my faults I have a tendency to over-react and get insane for a brief moment. I spaz the fuck out instantly, then I think it over and everything gets restored. Today I looked back at all the arguments I've had with females since like 11. Thinking about everything they did which was irrational and extremely deviated from the norm. Shit I counted at least 110 instances when the red dot probably played a part. Purely speculative but shit, can't y'all women just wear a name card and inform us? " Hi my name is Stacy and I'll be irritable from the 19th-22th so leave me the fuck alone." This shit could solve world issues. Phil Hartman's (RIP) wife was probably dealing with the red dot. When Marylin Monroe left Joe DiMaggio she probably had the red dot harassing her. What's worst is as men we ain't even allowed to ask because then it's judgment day for us. We can't win out here and we have to make society better, so ladies, inform men when it's coming so we could be better equipped.

Shit this blog might land me in trouble too unless the red dot went away, fuck my life.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

When you know you've made it.

"Congratulations on your acceptance into the  Featured Columnist Program. You should be proud to know that your Featured Columnist Application set you apart from the rest of the candidate field. After careful consideration, we’ve decided that you’re the person we want to fill our NBA Featured Columnist Position."

Guess what you bum ass niggas, I didn't even fill out an application. That's how you know made it in life, when people tell you they accepted your application but you didn't even apply, they just came to you. What does this mean???? You can find my shit on CBSSports, LA Times, SI and some other spots but that ain't why I'm telling y'all this.
I'm doing this blog today because I'm going to tell you, I'm now in an elite group. Which means that if I've had sex with you in the past 12 months, I probably won't be needing any more from your basic asses. If you've sucked my dick recently, chances are, I don't need you to suck my dick because I'll just get it from more elite people. Kate Middleton's cousins and shit. 

I'm now a Featured Columnist for the 4th largest sports media site in the world. I'm done smoking y'all bum ass weed. From now on I ain't even smoking spliffs, it's straight blunts. From now on I ain't messing around with you swamp rats with flat asses, flat chests and who blow their nose on skype. From now on I ain't drinking bottled water, it's Pellegrino you bitch ass niggas. From now on I ain't shopping at Walmart, I'm shopping at those places where it costs $12 for a piece of boneless chicken breast cause it's organic or some shit. I'm going to buy scented dental floss because I'm part of an elite society. 
To my Victoria Secret model chick who has recently displayed signs of autism, you could go back to the dude who wears sweathered vests. Unless your on the cover of Vogue or Maxim then we ain't talking. To my Italian bird, you could take your 180 degree ass back to your ex. To mouse, you could start dating women on a permanent basis I'm done with you. To CEO wife, you've been replaced. That night we watched under the Tuscan Sun I came to the realization that I needed more in my life than what you've given me. So I'm going straight to the big leagues, soon Diane Lane will be the next CEO Wife. To my facebook friend who talks about making crab callaloo, I don't need that peasant shit anymore. Niggas only eating Caviar and balsamic vinegar and filet mignon.

I'm a featured columnist now and all I don't need none of y'all. I'm only fucking with Royalty and shit. Getting my dick sucked on demand, no more need for social networking in an effort to get laid, I'll just show people how fucking great I am. I'll be eating the $5.50 Banana Boats from the ice cream truck and getting my shoe shined for $9.50 in the downtown core and shit, who needs y'all. 

Fuck I'll pay for this in the morning, peace.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Random Ass Shit Again.

It's 3am and I just spent like 45 minutes trying to figure out the password and email I used for this shit, today's not going to be my day. Don't got much time so I'll just drop random stuff.

-I was listening to the radio today for the tri-state area. The ad came on and said " if you pay over 268/month" in rent then you're a sucker. Then they started calling out all these foreclosed homes going for 35k. I don't give a fuck where those homes are but the first thing I'm doing is checking that shit out once I wake up. 

-I read today: " If he doesn't lie to you, he doesn't give a fuck about you." After about 10 minutes it registered in my brain how accurate that shit is. If you're with someone who you're willing to be 100% honest with, it'll never work.

-The only people who order "Timbits" from Tim Hortons are pedophiles, priests, and people who have Ginger-haired babies.

-To the person I know reading this, your not really a lesbian lol

Alright fuck it, I got shit to do. Will be up all night so if any of y'all are up. Holla.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Steps To A Good Mother For your Future Child

For starters, if these blogs and shit start sucking it's because a) I'm busy as shit these days and b) I'm actually happy. It's hard to produce good shit when I'm happy. For example, I wake up and I get this message, how the fuck could I be mad?

"I think I've already used the word spectacular on you. As high a pedestal as that actually puts you on, I still sold you somewhat short. If I wasn't taking a break I honestly would've considered inviting you over considering you've already charmed the pants off me. Getting me half naked without even entering the room shows alot of promise ;) " In other words she's saying: " Three weeks and you could hit this." 

But this is the shit I wake up to on a daily basis from someone who hasn't even met me and or held a long convo with me. She just perceives me from the blog. Thank you blog. Alright seeing as I'm not drunk, here's a proper blog on how to correctly choose the proper baby momma/ wife in time so she could have your kid for next year's mother's day.

1) Check the inside of her microwave, her bath-tub, her freezer, and check the corners of her kitchen floor. Some of you go for tits and ass, I go for a spotless bedroom mirror. If her microwave ain't spotless, you're wasting your time. If her bathtub ain't spotless, your wasted your time. If her freezer/fridge ain't clean, she probably has an STD. But check the corners of her kitchen, the hard to reach places. If those spots are dirty, you're doomed.

2) Ask her to make the following dishes: Chicken fried rice. Macaroni and cheese (homemade) and baked salmon. See the point of this is your not asking her for filet mignon, you're asking her for the most basic of dishes. If she can't get these right, don't even bother.

3) Ask her to recite the 12x tables. Truth be told after 12x6 I have to manually add 12 each time. But the baby momma/wife should know this shit. If you want her properly educating your kid so they don't turn out to end up riding the short bus to school, then she needs to know her 12x tables. She better know what 12 x 11 instantly or she ain't worth it.

4) Look for a tongue-scraper in her bathroom. Ask her where her bathroom is, then look for a tongue-scrapper, if she don't got one then she's useless and shouldn't even be sucking your cock.

5) Ask her how she was disciplined as a child. If she never got her ass beat or severely punished at least 5x, that means she's not going to give a fuck when Little James gets busted for selling weed in grade 9. A proper baby momma/wife should have undergone a few ass whoopings as a kid to realize that they need to discipline their kid to be a good mother. 

6) Ask her how many cocks has she been with. If she says under 5, she ain't worth it, her inexperience will bother you. If she says 1 and it isn't you, it means whoever #1 is has lifetime access. If she says over 30, take a cab home asap. 

7) Ask her about her thoughts on the cold war. If she has no opinion, it means she knows nothing about the Cold War. Thus, she ain't worth it.

8) Take her to a fast food joint. If she orders nothing, a salad, or a kids meal it means she'll feed your kid spinach and carrots til he's 20. These are the worst kinds of people and should not be considered to be wifey material.

9) Ask her for her opinion in any of the following: " To Kill a Mocking Bird." " Lord of the Flies" " The Picture of Dorion Gray" "Tostitos" "Thousand Island salad dressing" "bottled water." If she hates any of it tell her to fuck herself and she isn't fit to be the mother of your kid. 

10) Make sure she got no step-brothers or "close" male cousins. If she does, she probably did something with him when she was 14-16. Yea you don't want that, run run run.

I'm out peace.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mothers Day

Hahhhahhhahahhaaha so for all you fuck niggas who want to bang my mom, that's how she looked in 1994. LMAO y'all flirt with her now. Ya I thought so anytime you motherfuckers  try to flirt with her now or think bout her this image will get into your mind. By the way I was either 5 or 6 in this picture.Yup I was rocking the pinstripes in 1994.

ALright I'm high as fuck and drunk beyond belief. Shoutout to the blackberry. Thing gets you laid within seconds. Niggas out here paying $1.38 for gas nigga all you getting is oil. Blackberry my niggas I snap my dick hit the "send email" fucntion and you getting laid in 15 mins. Anyways that's the fucking benefits. You tke a pic of your cock and if you anything bigger than a micropenis she will fuck you. But anyways salute to the mothers, here are mind:

My mom-You wonnt see this anytime soon but when your on your death bed you'll see this. I'm going to show you this is what I did in my adolescence. Anywats you going to see I really cared bout you and you could have left me to fend myself cause God knows fuck you were only 21 and couldn't afford me. But salute. you raised 2 good kids and through all the bullshit you survived. You showed me how to grab life and make it your own and how to get what you want from it. You aint ever bow down to anyone and held your own. Salute.

Kitty- Only a real  "mom" would say it's okay to puke all over my house, "you're cute." Kitty your the best and you're the few ones who tolerate me and know what I'm capable of. Plus you're like straight from  Taxi episode. Actually you know what, you are that girl from taxi. The girl you know who I'm talking about who Andy Kaufman lmao one time it was freezing and he wanted to bang. Anyways salute.

Ceo Wife- Shake my head your insane but some of that I'm to blame. How did we get to where we're at you and I. I remember thinking fuck you must be some faggot and well I always partially right hhahaha no no you aint no fag. You always had my back no matter what and you sexy as hell. Actuallly I'm going to beat it. Scratch that I'm going to beat the hell out of it you'll be like "wtffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff" but I'm chilling right now. Don't worry tho LMAO. But nah you always say your my mom and you cool as shit. Salaute. Happy Morthers' Day.

Louisianna girl- I wanna pass out but I wont. You always been my mom worrying and crying and shit. Salute lmao I know you always got my back no matter what.

-Mouse. Lmao you're like my mom but you give the best head ever. Actually can you suck my dick soon I muss that shit but then you bought the condo and kinda fucked off. I know I aint make no money but I'm saying ever since you got the condo you been acting a fag.
Lindsay- WHY the fuck are you yellingat me. Eat a dick with herpes. And then et a frozen hot dog. PEACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Dear Lord, Please let mosley win tomorrow so I don't have to catch a charge. BYE

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Get The Office The Fuck Out Of Here

You know there is something about Thursdays. It's usually long and drawn out, if you're me then you want to be at the bar but then you realize you can't become an alcoholic for health reasons so you stay inside and dream of pints. You got no sports on the television because the NBA takes 11 months to complete and they have off days. You got MLB which is about as relevant this time of season as Two and A Half Men. You got the NHL and no one watches that shit but white people who rather drink coffee than jackoff.

Then you got the cable bill, 64.99 for the VIP Package. 90% of this 64.99 is used for crap like the Jersey Shore and the 10000 sports/news channels that show crap like poker or shows about pets. But for the last 6 years on these shitty Thursday nights I've found reprieve. Since 2005, at 9pm on Thursday nights, there has been the Office, a fucking hilarious show featuring Pam Beasley and Jim and the psychotic Creed and of course, Michael Scott, he keeps everyone entertained because he's a dumbass yet smarter than most of society. But for the last little while I haven't been calling a spade a spade, I've been clinging onto hope. Maybe these shitty Thursday nights don't exist, maybe the Office is hilarious. Well it fucking isn't. It's fucking terrible. Every since Jim and Pam got married, they haven't had one decent fucking episode. That was fucking years ago. You motherfuckers need to get the fuck off the air, asap.

Pam isn't even hot anymore. How the fuck do you have a show, with all these heaux and none of them are hot. They all look like ass. Yet I'm watching today hoping for something, just give me something to laugh at. What do I get? Will fucking Ferrell air juggling balls for 2 minutes, then dunking on a hoop and falling down. What the fuck is this shit, you dumb stupid motherfuckers, stop airing programing for those suiting with special needs. I'm not a motherfucking retard. I was never in special education. I graduated from St. Lawrence catholic school in 2003 with an 89 average. Then I went to Jean Vanier catholic high school and before they threw me out I had an 81 average. Then after I got kicked out of Vanier in 2006 I went to Senator O Connor High school where I held an 85 average. Then in the spring time of 2007 U of T sent me a letter saying I had been accepted early to there school because I'm fucking awesome. Now it's 2011, my GPA is 2.27 at something like the #17 ranked school in the world, and this is what I have to put up with on Thursday nights?????

The office is not fucking funny, it amuses people who wear New Balance shoes, wear Neckwarmers, and consider their dogs their best friend. That shit is fucking retarded, and just another lost item in the face of humanity. Yesterday I spoke on how 45 year old men acting like babies contributed to the declination of society, today I'm watching Will Ferrell and company dance around my television screen for 22 minutes trying to be funny, just stop it. Where the fuck is Creed? The last storyline you fuckers had was Pam and Jim hooking up. Bring back Roy, bring back Jan, tell David Wallace to make an appearance but stop trying to convince me you're fucking worth my time. I rather be on Skype with my dick out to some fat whore with gonorrhea from South Dakota, than to watch another Office Episode. You motherfuckers have failed society, well fucking done. 

The White Man Fucks Up Again

Word. I'm up early in the morning doing my thing, browsing websites, thinking of jacking off and that's what I come across. Infantilism. Another name for a grown ass white person wearing diapers and getting breast fed and shit. This is what your grandfather sailed across the Atlantic and killed Hitler for. This is why your ancestors fought off Stalin for. So y'all could dress up in pajamas all fucking day long and get titty fed from some Mexican nanny. Then you can go sleep in a crib. You know I've come to the conclusion that 90% of what we do is for some form of happiness and pleasure, what the fuck does that big ass white dude get? And there's plenty more of them.

Reasons like this shit is why we failed as a society. This is why we have an economic crisis. This is why them terrorists and corporations fucking us up. Instead of doing shit, instead of making shit happen, there's a motherfucker out there who claims he has a problem and has to get titty fed and read stories and suck pacifiers. That nigga is 45 years old and he doing that shit. You know what's sad, that motherfucker could go vote. That's that same motherfucker who could enlist in the army and "defend" your country. In times like this I ask myself, What would Castro do? What would the Korean crazy nigga do? What would Huge Chavez do? They could be as fucked up as they would like to be, but they wouldn't allow someone in their country pulling shit off like this and getting it on tv.

So I was intrigued and I went to various infantilism message boards like this: message boards for the freaks These motherfuckers crying about how they don't know what to do? How about y'all stop wearing fucking diapers and go work a motherfucking 9 to 5. Go fuck a stripper, go do some blow, go to Thailand and fuck one of those dudes who dress up like chicks but why the fuck are you crying because you don't know what to do. Put down the motherfucking Huggies and start acting right. That's the problem with our society, everyone is pussy. They are all so politically correct and shit. You pull this shit where I'm from in Port of Spain and you get a bullet straight to your head. That ain't the right way to handle things though but I'm sure there is a right way.

We all lost control through this fat fuck. You got "The Situation" on the Jersey shore acting like a fucking retard. You got grown ass white men who want to be Babies. You got niggas like Derrick Rose doing this: Derrick Rose picture. It's a shame the Cold War ended. If the Russians had their way we'd all be drinking Vodka, banging heauxs and doing corrupt business. Instead you got grown ass white people dressing like infants, Charlie Sheen telling everybody he's made of tiger blood and he's winning and then the world wants to be like him. You got people taking days off work to watch the Royal Wedding and you have given black people internet access so they could do this: Black People At Work. Russians should have won.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Random Ass shit.

Too tired to have a proper blog, today drained me and I'll be up til 5 because I fucked up a sports article that I need to fix, that shit I do for other sites will come to a crashing halt in less than 2 months, oh well. 

So time for some more random ass shit while I procrastinate.

- To the person who is dreaming about Popeyes right now, actually I see you on stalkbook but I wont' bother you. Wait I just stalked you why the fuck is that tee in your display pic. Fuck my life, repulsive. Anyways you're sexy, beautiful  and I'd beat it up for days, so long as I get some head and high resolution..... Oh fuck I'm going to tell you this now was saving it but you should hear this, I went to get your birthday present a few weeks ago before this weekend shit went down so I'd know I have enough loot for your sexy ass. So it involves being in the Mac store cause I haven't met a girl who hates Mac. Anyway but I forget your white and the people I usually shop for looks like the Mac employee so she's asking me how do you look like so she could pick up stuff that would suit you. Thankfully I knew where to find a picture (not the ones you sent me but proper pics :) Her first question: " Is that your girl?? and she proceed to blankstare" then she said you were hot. I think she was a lesbian. Dead ass serious. 

- My dad was asking me why I didn't vote so I was asking him why he did. He gave me this "change the world" nonsense. I asked him to name me 10 things that Stephen Harper stands for. He's like sure.  " he cares about businesses." He couldn't name another. This nigga fixes photocopiers for a living he's not a fucking business owner hahahaahhaha.

- My mom sent me an email today, on Tuesday, telling me about how she wants to eat a Roti on Friday and if I could pick her up one. What the fuck? 

- So a few weeks ago I asked someone how much would it take for him to fuck a girl that we both know. She uglier than Bin Laden. My boy tells me $200. Then when I say "that's disgusting" then he asks me to think about it. I do and come to the realization I'd do just about anything for 2 bills. That's changed, for those of you that know who I'm talking about, I saw Angie this past weekend. Nothing less than 5 bills man, nothing.

- Kevin Durant is one of the toughest NBA players out there.

- Today was the first day in years that I watched Law and Order, shit is amazing. 

- Will Ferrell on the Office is like putting nutella on an entree. The shit just don't go together and looks like ass. 

- Ace of Base need to come out with another album.

- I miss movies like Lethal Weapon, Police Academy and Coming to America. Fuck nothing will ever top Coming to America on the comedic level.

- Fuck I really want to release a clip of shorty singing but I'm not willing to miss my sex sessions.

Alright it's 12:30 and I'll be up til 5 at the very least, peace.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Fuck this Election Shit

I was going to keep my mouth shut because I don't believe democracy exists and I don't care if others vote but I'm tired of seeing this shit on my tv. For those that don't know, we had some gay ass election in Canada. Not that it matters, after NAFTA came into effect nothing else really matters cause we were always going to ride the dicks of the Americans but I'm tired of hearing about the civil responsibility and blah blah blah. The only time I ever voted was for Rob Ford because he appeared to combat economic manipulation but he turned out to be a fat fucking cocksucker like everyone else. The only other person I'd ever vote for in this world is the President of Argentina. Who the fuck cares what she does, look at her she's fucking hot. The day I vote is the day one of these rich lying motherfuckers address my concerns, these ones: 

1) Privatize alcohol, the LCBO are making sales well over 8 billion these days. We're paying too much for this shit, I never cared for selection and none of that shit, I want it to be like Columbus fucking Ohio. Where I walk into a bar, get shit faced, look at the tab and it says $22.50, food including. Fuck the LCBO and fuck the amount of money I spend because the government forces me to.

2) Allow for drinking in public. Everytime I go to any event in this country and don't feel like paying the $8.50 to buy alcohol in a stadium, I end up chugging beers in the Union Station bathroom. Prisoner in my own conutry, fuck that. 

3) Allow for prostitution. Truth be told this shit should be legal everywhere. Not because I care because I don't bang them, but what one person chooses to do with THEIR body should be their choice. They aren't harming anyone but spreading their legs (unless they knowingly give an STD) let heauxs be heaux (it's principle) 

4) Allow for this the shit that cures cancer to hit the shelves. It's been proven numerous times, speed up the motherfucking process. 

5) Give them niggas a chance. Right now 50% of black males in Toronto drop out of highschool. Then they do dumb shit like steal from 7/11s and shoot guns. Place emphasis on finding jobs for those that graduate with some sort of post-secondary education and you'd get a lot more productivity.

6) Drop the taxes. I don't care what the fuck you do with that money, when that G20 shit came around y'all spent $828228282829229 to suck Obama's dick for 2 days. Fuck that, stop taxing us.

7) Regulate these bullshit cable companies. Right now my bandwidth is capped at 60 gigs for no real reason. Then I have to regulate how much episodes of the OC or sports streams I watch a day. That shit ain't right, it costs them very little for this bandwidth crap and I have to pay dearly for long skype-sex options? Get the fuck out here. 

8) Drop them taxes at the border too. It costs Canadians on average 20% more for the same motherfucking goods than it would someone in the states. Pure fuckery. Stop that shit, either drop the prices in Canada or let us shop freely in the States, I ain't about that whole "protecting the industry" nonsense.

9) Cut that bullshit CRTC regulation crap. I want motherfucking ESPN I'm tired of curling and horseback riding on these motherfucking channels.

10) Stop giving welfare. Adopt the American "food stamp" system so these leeches won't starve but cut out welfare, it's fucking useless because black people take it to buy Jordans and Slap-Chops because it looked cool on tv. 

11) Stop with the peacekeeping missions. It didn't work in Afghanistan, it didn't work during the Suez crisis and it didn't work in Congo. Stop trying to help others and start helping your motherfucking own people. Stop wasting money on that dumb shit. 

12) Become friends with that nigga from Venezuela, Chavez. In the 80s, Trudeau used to fuck with Castro, even though Castro couldn't offer shit. Chavez got Venezuelans paying 20 cents for gas and we're out here paying $1.28 a liter because Obama pissed off OPEC. Fuck that, lets suck the dicks of OPEC (no homo) and start paying nothing for gas, we got enough oil and shit to last us the next 2828721 years, lets stop settling for this crap. 

13) Start charging the religious institutions tax. They got niggas in the Vatican in Versace and Prada robes and shit. They collecting that money from every church, everywhere. Implement a rule where they pay tax like everyone else.

14) Revive Niagara Falls. Niagara hasn't been shit for like 15 years. I'm thinking they should make that like a proper North American red Light district. See here's the thought process. Americans can't drink til 21, we can start drinking at 19, 18 in Quebec. That's a lot of loot you could get if you had a place for the college. Make Niagara Falls a place for Heaux, gambling, weed, cheap alcohol and give it a little make-over. Those college kids would be over here from the Manufacturing Belt every weekend giving money to the economy. Capitalize on thirsty white people.

15) Raise the voting age to 25. You really trust a kid who got Justin Bieber and Ke$ha on his IPOD dictating who the next leader of your country is?

16) Stop giving money to art. All them art people need is a fucking paint brush and paint. You could get that at Walmart for $19.95. Yet the govt gives these people thousands to create. Fuck that, let them work a 9-5 like everyone else and do that shit on their spare time, cause this blog is art and I ain't getting shit so fuck them. 

17) Automatic life sentences for anyone that is involved in a murder, rape, or crimes involving children. Fuck that 5-10 years they give you here, nothing under 25 years for those cocksuckers.

18) Legalize weed. I don't care about this one but the type of money it would bring in...insane. Everybody would pay $12-14 a gram if it were that BC grown shit. Trust me that West coast weed is worth the extra loot.

19) Regulate this free health care nonsense. The fact that it's free, allows for people to run to the hospital for cuts and bruises. Fix this but charging a certain amount of money for a visit. Let's say $35 per hospital/doctor visit that isn't a re-occuring problem. So if you have the common cold or the flu or an arm sprain, your ass should be paying to waste a doctor's time and the government loot. 

20) Start giving away free land. Advertise this all over the world. Open up the Prairies and parts of the Atlantic. Canada is the second biggest place in the world. Yet only 33 million people live here and like 8 million of those live in Southern Ontario. That means you have plenty of land that's just wasting. Start giving away the land in Saskatchewan and Winnipeg but make sure it's used for agriculture or some shit. In other words, give the land away but make sure the people who are on it, aren't sitting at home watching reruns of " In the Heat of the night" like I do. 

I'm out, peace.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Amazing Weekend.

Before I start today's long blog I want y'all to know something. When a black person stops getting your money, or has enough money to make it, they have no problem telling you to fuck out. Case and point: This weekend we tried to hit a bar, one that I attended steady for the better half of 3 years. So I got sick of their recycled beer and bitchy attitude everytime I asked to change the channel so I stopped going for about 3 months. Yesterday I walk in and was politely asked to get the fuck out. Reason given: " hey man if we let you in we're at over-capacity, and if the cops come in and do a headcount, we're fucked." How many people were at this bar? Not including the two other dudes I was rolling with, there was 11 people in the bar. Thousands of dollars were contributed to that little piece of shit place over the course of years, I've seen office parties and bands playing with hundreds of people. But 11 motherfuckers in there and they tell us it's full. I'd post the address of this piece of shit, but the owner never amounted to shit and I'm just patiently awaiting the inevitable train wreck. Some people aren't shit in this world. 

Oh and I told her I wouldn't release this. Then I think back to the irrelevant nonsense you started today, oh babe don't mind me, sorry in advance: I ain't getting anything for 2 weeks

Alright so I can't speak on much but here is everything I could talk about that went down this weekend: 

-A new level of alcoholism: I met someone this weekend who picked up a job he doesn't need, just so he'll be on the road and not tempted to touch alcohol. Insane. 

-A stripper put me into an Arm bar and forced me to tap out. 

- I make an appearance 8 minutes into this video: Video of me smashed out of my mind

-I ended up at this place called "Mussellman's lake" in the wee hours of Sunday morning, no way near Toronto. 

-There's nothing worse than a Colombian stripper who sounds like a Seal. Worst shit in the world.

-While trying to get into an empty condo where we could smoke up and chill, my boy called the kid's whose dad owned it. The kid said no. My boy called the kid's dad. His dad said yes. My boy then called the kid back and told him we're headed to the condo cause his dad said yes: most gangsta shit in the world.

- Over this weekend just doing a estimate I devoured over 12 pints, 30 Vodka and Cranberry Doubles, and about 20 Pineapple Juice and Vodka Doubles, and some nasty ass coors light, 4 gin and tonics, some Irish mist and over 6 spliffs. Yup, in full detox mode til the Long weekend in May.

-An Aussie accent with those Aussie hats could get you just about anything in this world.

- My mom on Saturday morning: " Holy crap you look and sound like shit." 

- I tipped this white girl a toonie ($2) and she took out half the shit on our tab and would repeatedly hook me up with insanely strong drinks. Love my white people. 

-Gilbert Melendez (wiki him) is one of the nicest and classiest people I've ever met.

-The bartender on Thursday looked like Rob Ford's twin, he also responded every time we called him Rob Ford.

-I met a lot of this weekend who came up to me and introduced themselves and told me they love my shit. Thanks but chances are I forgot about you.

-I had someone come up to me and told me they loved seeing me fight on the "W1 card." What the fuck?

I'm out peace.