The following is a purely fictional account of what went down, if I were to take 5 hits of LSD, my first experience. We walked and walked, I remember the bus stop, those judgmental eyes. Everyone was staring at me but it didn't pain, it didn't hurt, for what felt like an eternity I simply didn't care. We enter the room and I decide that I want to document all of my thoughts. On twitter, on facebook, everywhere, I want the world to experience what I'm about to experience. It told me to stop, to told me that I would never understand. It explained the theory of evolution for me and what it means. It told me I wasn't good enough, over and over again. I wasn't good enough to form opinions. I wasn't good enough to judge anyone. It showed me some of the most painful images, everything from Hitler to people I've long despised. I was forced to live a lifetime in there eyes. I was forced to see demonic images of myself, there wasn't heaven or hell, this was me. This was my ego, my ways. I saw Rebecca (a loved one that past away). She told me " I spent a year with you and this is the person you've become. It was all in vein." I begged her to stay, I said I was sorry. She told me it didn't matter, I was going to inflict pain on others. I have never in my life been so hurt by something that appeared to be so real. She told me the year I spent with her was a gift, a reminder that I wanted to be everything she was. Everything I saw in her during our relationship, she had given to me as a gift. She told me I pissed it all away, that she was disappointed in me, that she wasted her time with me. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but all I could say was "thank you." Then, "it" kept reminding me again and again that we are all one. I'm no different than my mother, my worst enemy, my greatest friend. I begged "it" to keep me in this state forever, I spoke to it. I want to see what you see, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But it kept laughing, telling me that time didn't matter. The clocks move, it's now 8:45pm, soon it will be 8:46pm...but what does it matter. It told me that when I came back down I would be judged, I would be ridiculed, I would be tortured. Then I got to see, in the past, how I did those things I just mentioned to people I BARELY knew. If I did something as trivial as posting screen shots to a group of strangers, imagine how I treat "loved" ones. It gave me the future, this was the best part. I've been struggling greatly with the idea of being alone forever, of sleeping in the same bed for the rest of my life. Instead, I got to saw fonts and colours of things so beautiful I will never be able to describe. I saw the future, I saw versions of Iphones with an unimaginable amount of numbers. I saw the way my current phone "is supposed to look." I kept asking "it" if I can stay here. It told me no, again and again and again. Then again some more. You're not good enough, you're exactly like them, you're no different. I saw my mom's judgement and realized I disregard people's feelings because I feel as though I have rights. I feel as though I'm privileged, I have a sense of entitlement. It kept showing me how I continuously kick people in the real world (Im dumbing this down...it was a lot worse than kicking.) I kept saying "Aaron don't do this, don't do that...looking at my past trying to warn myself, it kept telling me "it's too late." You'll do the same thing over and over and over and over. I kept talking to "it" but you warned me, you told me to love. "It" showed me the harshest things, telling me I was going to do it regardless. The message was CLEAR. I am the cause of my pain because I refuse to listen. It took me into the future again, deep into the future. I saw text messages that came out the phone, I went into the depths of loneliness and felt connected. I was connected to my mother, my brother, everyone because they were a part of me. Sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, I begged it take me with "it". I begged "it" please let me stay, it kept saying no, you'll do it again and again. Over and over again, I was judged. I was criticized, I was ridiculed, but I didn't feel pain. I felt like saying sorry. I felt like saying sorry for everything I ever did wrong. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. I felt so fucking humble. I have never in my life experienced an ounce of humanity. Then it showed me, everything this "trip" showed me, I have been told "sober." But I didn't listen, just like "it" told me. I didn't listen because I was going to do the same thing again and again. Tomrrow, one thousand years, 10 thousand years. I saw dead relatives, I saw the future, this was ALWAYS the best part. I saw everything in the years 205555. I saw how our world was shaped, I understood religion, I understood the theory of evolution, I saw Pi. I saw a premature society fueled with wars. I saw how great the future was, I saw myself again and again.
Note: this describes 0.0000000000000001% of what I saw. "it" told me at the beginning I wasn't going to be able to ever explain it. They were right no matter how hard I tried. All in all Id say it lasted 12-15 hours, I didn't sleep all night. I wanted to cry but tears didn't come. I wanted to laugh and I did, over and over. I was no longer in my body, the simplest tasks like getting up to pee took an eternity. I was forced to see how I try and beg people for sympathy, yet offer none to nobody. This is everything I ever imagined x 1 trillion. and yet such an experience I feel as though I haven't earned the right to experience another in a long time. I feel as though I've been given a harsh reminder that to be human is to make mistakes. Regardless of the outcome, I'll hurt myself again, tomorrow. Then I'll expect to be treated different, like how I spent an eternity, asking "it" for me to stay. Over and over.
I understood love, I understood pain, I understood purity. I feel at peace, I have no anxiety, I feel so much in control I have never in 24 years felt this way, not a jealous bone in my body. I feel so fucking insecure right now it feels so fucking good. I don't have to lie, I don't have to cheat, I don't have to appeal to anyone. No one needs to feel my pain or feel 'sorry" for me (a big part of this trip appealed to this notion). I feel so good.
I felt it was my duty to try and share what came of this experience. I feel as though I am robbing you all of the truth because what I just typed is so little of what I just saw. I can't describe the end for you, I won't even begin to try. I saw things so powerful, particularly near the end, that sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, my love for my family didn't matter, my ex girlfriends didn't matter, nothing did. It was perfection.
Thank you for listening to my words, take it however you want to take it, enjoy. and remember, like I said, purely fictional.
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