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Thursday, September 27, 2012

This Morning, Shit got Real

You probably don't know this but this Kale shit takes a long time to make for a day's supply. You have to cut up cucumbers, apples, celery and shit like some health freak, it takes like 25 minutes. So today I'm running late in the morning but I make the Kale, down 2 glasses and I have like 3 minutes to jerk off before I leave for work. I pop one off QUICK to some British amateur porn on xvideos and I run out the door. I get in the car and as I turn the corner it hit me, I gotta take a pee. I tell myself fuck it, I'm already late, I work 26 km from home, on a good day I'll make it there in 25, on a bad day I'll make it in 50 minutes, I could hold it. Now, if you know me, you know I got a weak ass bladder. I wouldn't even compare it to a woman, it's something akin to a 2 yr old. People keep telling me to get it checked out and I did, they told me it was something to do with genetics. Fuck my bitch ass genes.

Anyway, back to the story so I need to take a piss but it ain't even serious. I hit the DVP and I got Arcade Fire blasting through the speakers. It's a Thursday morning, the sun is out, it's payday, I'm feeling good. As I'm driving it's obvious I need to pee but no worries, I'm only 20 minutes away from work. Then I hit the Gardiner Expressway. Shit was backed up from Jarvis. I still have another 11km to go and this shit is not moving at all. Now shit's getting real, my legs start shaking. I turn the music off and tell myself that faggot ass music they play in the radio will take my mind off it. I stopped praying to based god, I started praying to Kate Upton. So here I am on the Gardiner begging Kate Upton to let me make it to work and I got the AC on FULL blast, it's like 8 degrees outside. Then I hear Big Sean on a Justin Bieber song say " us, trust, a couple things I can't spell without u" LMAO I'm crying my plan is backfiring cause now I really want to pee. Then he says "the grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it" and now tears are streaming down my face. Those shitty ass rap lines have me crying. I'm about to explode. There is no shoulder on the Expressway so at this point Im just begging to make it the last 4kms. I know I can't make it to the office but I figure I could get to the lot without exploding.

Finally the fucking stalled vehicle that was causing the traffic is gone and I'm going 130/km just begging Kate Upton, let me make it to the lot. I get to the lot, whip out a bottle I had (cause there's cameras everywhere) and proceed to piss while still driving. Now, this ain't the first time I pissed in a bottle and it probably won't be the last. But there's something so dope about this feeling. It's so liberating. You see the shit filling up and your body is releasing all that urine and it feels just as good as getting head. I'm feeling good as fuck, my door wide open, my dick out and the morning fresh air keeping me alive. Then I noticed an Asian lady staring at me in awe. She just stood there, lifeless, staring at me in this euphoric state. Eventually she fucked off and 3 minutes later I grabbed another bottle and was still pissing. We need to make this a movement, the shit feels so good, I advise everyone to piss in a bottle when you can, it's the right way to live.

I'm out.

If you never made out with a fat chick, you ain't living right.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Women Are a Dying Breed

I wake up around 5:40am, take a piss, run a mile, shower, brush my teeth, close my eyes and down a glass of kale. By the time I'm finished with all that shit it's like 6:30. Around that time you get Cheers on TBS, which is the only good thing to come out of Boston because of the rest of that city has herpes. However, TBS switched up on me, they now show the Cosby show. Today I'm sitting there watching the Cosby show and it hit me, women are a dying breed. In  10 years, women will no longer exist. Let's take Claire Huxtable for example. Claire Huxtable was a fucking bad bitch. She was a lawyer so she'd go into work and contribute at least 50% to the household from a financial standpoint. She'd then come home and the first thing she would do is cook for her family. She'd spend quality time with the kids. Just look into her eyes right the fuck now, she definitely has that dope ass box. Claire Huxtable's box is impeccable. It's flawless. Breathtaking. When Claire Huxtable lays on that bed you KNOW you're getting some rare minerals DEEP in the congo. That's what you get with Claire and why? Because she was a woman. She took care of hers, she fought for everything in life and she exploited her every asset. It's with deep sadness that I tell yall, women are a dying breed.

Look at it from today's perspective. You think women are being built like Claire? FUCK No.Women are a dying breed, today's society is filled with grown ass little girls. 20s 30s 40s, all girls who have no idea what it takes to be a woman. They don't know what it's like to cook a hot meal with love then get on those knees and lick those veins like a real woman would. Today's society is filled with little girls. They're obsessed with materialism, lack ambition, have every excuse in the book, and pretend like they don't want to get fucked from the back while listening to "Ava Maria." That's the difference between then and now, there's little girls out here who are insecure and sit there and download apps and have a tumblr account and think they're the shit because they have 1200 friends on facebook. No bitch, you ain't shit. You think Claire Huxtable gave a fuck about a Tumblr account? No, because she was a real woman.

She catered to the needs of those that loved her and guess what, she got her return. She got the materialism so many little girls crave. She got kids, she got a successful career, and she did all that while still being a motherfucking freak in bed. In 2012, vagina is devalued and almost worthless because a chick will put out for a LinkedIn connection. That's the problem with today's society, these grown ass little girls are killing it. Look into those eyes, such conviction, not a fucking ounce of insecurity in that body and if she had it, she didn't show it because she had trust and confidence in herself. Claire Huxtable KNEW she was a bad bitch and made that work to her advantage. Women are dying and every month it just gets worse and worse causing men to resort to dumb shit like a fleshlight (google it). If you're the last of a dying breed then work towards investing in yourself, telling them insecure thoughts to fuck themselves, focus on the positive but most important, trust yourself and work towards happiness. You too could be like Claire...

I'm out.

If you never ate a Joe Louis (pause), you ain't living right.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

"Before I die...I want to live"

Everyday on my way to work I pass by this wall on a construction site. It says "before I die, I want to..." and the section is left blank. There's chalk and people write all sorts of dumb shit like Win the Lotto  Max, visit Space, get a pet. However, today as I passed by the wall something stuck out to me, someone wrote "live." For one reason or another that sentence rattled me. From my own interpretation/perception I understood it but this wasn't enough, I felt like there was more to this. For one reason or another, I felt as though I was meant to see that. Whoever wrote that on the wall, thank you, I now have the answer to everything. Allow me to share my interpretation:

For every action in this world, there are only two options: to live or to die. Either you make it or you don't. Regardless of the journey, you either survive or you motherfucking die. I don't give a fuck if you were raped 15x before the age of 5, or you were handed the keys to a CL 500 before your 16th birthday, in everything you ever fucking do, you choose to live or to die. Everybody is filled with excuses, everybody deflects or compensates instead of living. The fact is, the world rather choose death than to live. Every motherfucking thing we do is a matter of survival. You want to make it in this world then you have to go out and get it. If you think there are people out there who are sympathetic to your situation because you had a rough road then you're wrong, every road is rough. For example: you cheat on lets say your gf. At the end of the day we could glorify this side chick life all we want and talk about how we fuck multiple bitches while in a relationship but guess what, you're a weak motherfucker. You don't trust yourself enough to stick with the person who held you down, who stood by your side. You disloyal motherfucker, choosing to die. That's exactly what it is, you're showing how motherfucking weak your character is. You can't keep your dick in your pants for 15 minutes but you rather throw it all away for 15 minutes of satisfaction. Then you break someone's heart and feel like shit. That shit doesn't go away. It lives in the back of our subconscious. When you have to tell someone you love that you disregarded everything they ever did for you, so you could ejaculate, you'll know what I mean. When you look yourself in the mirror as a man and realize the wrong you did, you'll understand that you chose death.  It's death, it's decay, it's toxicity. That's what we do to ourselves every motherfucking day.

Another example: you hang around 500 motherfuckers but every last one of them are toxic. They bring a negative energy to your environment but you keep em around because you feel as though you need it. You dumb weak fuck, you don't even value yourself enough to live your life, once again you're choosing to die. Those are just two extreme examples but every day we fucking choose to die. We live toxic lives and then complain when things don't go away. I can't tell you how many times I complained about the cards I was dealt. I'm a grown ass man the fuck was I doing? In everything we ever do, we have 2 options, to live or die. Either you take your motherfucking broke ass out there and strive to make it this world or watch as 5 other people successfully take your shot. That's what this world is, it's very simple. You make it or you don't. You either are a stand-up person with an insurmountable level of trust in yourself or you're a weak ass bitch. Which one are you doing to choose? The choice is motherfucking yours. Fuck the past you can't chance that, fuck the future because tomorrow Ahmed in his orange cab could run you over by accident and you are now fed through a tube. Make life matter, make it or not but hold yourself and no one else accountable. To live or die, it's fucking simple, either make shit happen or don't make shit happen. Piss valuable time away or make it count, before I die, I am going to live.

I'm out

If you never jacked off to Claire Huxtable, you ain't living right.

Monday, September 24, 2012

The Positive Side to Hell

You ever wonder how much your life sucks? Let's do the math for a minute. You sleep let's say 8 hours a day, that right there sucks cause you're missing out on life. So 33% of the day sucks right off the bat. Then you gotta go to work and school and 100% of jobs suck. Even if you're an athlete making $100mil over the next 7 years, you still gotta train, do promotional appearances, sign autographs, be on the road all that shit sucks, let's chalk up another 8-10 hours, so all in all you have like 6 hours to do something you actually like. But nahhhhhh you can't eat what you want cause you'll die. You can't drink what you want cause you'll die. So you try to be like me and beat your body down and then you drink nasty ass Kale shakes and you say a prayer to Kendell Jenner and hope everything is going to be okay. Then you try to find a significant other and she is going to love you at first but then she's going to hate you. When she hates you she'll distance herself from you and then fuck like 3 other dudes in the same month. All 3 of them probably work at UPS or Puralator and I bet she's using the money you earned to see the 3 dudes she's fucking all because they texted her a funny emoticon one day and said "fuck your man." You got the IPhone 5 but there's a dude with a Motorola Flip phone fucking your girl.Then you die.

I just broke down life for yall. It pretty much sucks but we don't know what's on the other side so we stick around and try to be happy by buying things we don't need and saying things for the approval of everyone of complete strangers. Life sucks let me say it again. But there's a positive side to this shit pile. Be thankful you are not with Kim Kardashian. Lets do the math for a second. Her father helped OJ get off so that right there is bad karma, you're fucked from the start. She's like half Armenian and those bitches are hairy and crazy, you don't wanna deal with that, another point. If you ever watch her sex tape, you'll realize that she can't fuck for shit, so another point. She only fucks black guys so you could probably fit a paper towel roll in her box, the extra thick Bounty shit as well none of that no-brand shit. That's what I was thinking about today when the walls were caving in, I'm happy I'm not Kanye West.

When life gets tough and you can't seem to make anything go your way, just remember it could be worse and you could be the low-self esteem ass nigga stuck with a broken human being who got famous for sucking the cock of somebody who isn't famous at all. She don't even swallow for fuck sakes. Yet for some reason she's praised. If you want good box you go to someone like Taylor Swift: look at her fucking BEGGING to be fucked. Instead yall want to glorify Kim, her shitty sex tape, and her wack ass Armenian box. Your life sucks and it's time to make it better by shitting on those who deserve to be shit on. Remember that and you'll be okay.

I'm out.

If you never stuck pop rocks in your box, you ain't living right.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

A New Me

I'm back cocksuckers. I know y'all missed me, and I got some time on my hands so I figured why not. Last night I died and came back to life at the UFC and I missed all the filthy nudes that would come in because of my ignorance, so let's go. Today, in a hangover state of mind, I decided I needed to do some detox but I'm from the hood we don't use google, we just ask people we know. To make a long story short, some dude in Vancouver who I never met before has developed some recipe. 6 leaves of Kale, 4 celery sticks, a cucumber, and 2 apples. Drink that shit 4x a day with no other meals. Oh and a lemon and you can't peel none of this shit. Well a nigga decided to hit the grocery and buy a week's supply of this shit. 40 apples etc etc. shit rang up to $51.04, I had tears in my eyes as I handed the cashier my credit card. Summer's officially over and I ain't get no one pregnant, I ain't get arrested (came close like 3x), I ain't get married, I don't even think I went anywhere special. I'm really becoming like those Desperate Housewives people, drinking kale and doing Pilates. (I now do Pilates...don't ask)

So yeah, I'm going to document this juice shit. I figure I'm going to die and it's going to be disgusting but that's the price you gotta pay when you do 4 substances in one night and pass out before the main event even starts. What else is new? I know work a 9-5 for a decent company, every other Thursday feels great. The Baltimore Orioles could suck my dick and Lil Caesars still got shitty ass pizza but at $4.99 ain't nobody complaining. I started up my own company a few days ago and that shit been milking my wallet but we'll break even next month, I ain't going to speak on that too much. I hope my dick still works after this Kale shit. I hope it's super powerful and I can adjust the shower temperature and shit with my dick.

Robin Meade still looks stunning on most mornings though you can see the age is getting to her. (If you don't know who this is, use google) More and more Western Unions are starting to pop up around my hood and that's pissing me off cause these dumb niggas don't know shit when it comes to money management. A dude takes his lets say $500 pay check, goes to the beer store and drinks Sapporo, doesn't even pronounce it properly then spends the rest on weed and seafood and shit. Every friday these grocery stores are filled with black people buying shit they shouldn't be buying but they do it because they want to feel special. More oral sex in your life will alleviate any need to feel special but what the fuck do I know. Oh and that new Iphone 5 is some bullshit ( I don't have one but Ive seen it), them motherfuckers trying to sell you the same phone and they made it lighter. But guess what, you'll probably buy it because you have a shitty life and you want to fit in and you'll get it and tweet/facebook 100 pictures of the box and then you'll put a lot of exclamation marks and tell everyone and pretend to feel better but guess what, your life still sucks and the phone is still a glorified version of a shitty phone. A phone is a fucking phone, it don't suck your dick, it don't make you any money, it don't love you. It makes calls and does weird shit like tell you where the nearest restaurants are. And that's what makes your life "complete"? Once again oral sex could solve issues related to materialism but y'all don't hear me.

I'm out.

If you never watched Casting Couch, you haven't been living.