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Thursday, April 28, 2011

My career path.

I been in school for 4 years now. I should graduate, but one summer I fucked around and spent 3 grand on alcohol and partying and had no loot so I'll be there for another semester. I'm starting to realize how useless it all is. I mean I got a triple minor for beginners, after 2008, triple minors don't even exist. I just tell people I'm an English major, I ain't major in nothing but vagina exploration. Basically, in order to get a minor you need 8 courses in that particular subject. So I took 24 courses I actually needed. I minored in history, english, and philosophy cause I can't do math for shit and everything requires math. These days you need majors to graduate but when I entered school all you needed was a triple minor.

So lets look at the numbers. I needed 24 courses to get all the shit that's mandatory. I need 40 courses to graduate. So for the last 2 years I been taken nonsense courses like water and wind. Like children's literature and detective fiction. But in the long run it isn't useless because you need that paper that said you went to school. So now I'm thinking about what I'm going to do with my life. Ideally I'd work for the government for 30 years and I know I could get in. That means sitting in a cubicle starting at 40k a year and playing online flash games and watching youtube videos all day. But I still need shit like a resume. I'm 22 years old and still never wrote a resume or a cover letter. The only time I needed one was for that Bullshit job at BMO and I used my cousin's shit for that.

So in December I'm done school and start working. I've spent the last 4 years of my life doing shit I'll never do again. Like analyzing Shakespeare and reading about Plato. But even if I were to get something practical, let's say marketing or math, those fields are so competitive I know dudes with math degrees cleaning banks and shit during the night. Back to my career path, I spent 4 years doing fuck all really because society told me I had to. Now I enter the work force and have to wear Dockers and golf shirts all fucking day while listening to people talk about how they found their kid smoking a "joint" and grounded them for 6 weeks. Then I have to deal with a boss, someone who will probably go "by the book" and time my bathroom visits and shit. Then every other Thursday I get my paycheck and  I see how much the government takes from me for bullshit like the Royal Wedding. Why am I mentioning all of this? because I have a sound solution. 

I know 4 girls whose father are millionaires. Rebecca, Lindsay, Britney, and Isha. I wonder if Isha would let me have any of that loot, paki people are cheap as shit. Ya there's no country for me in her world, scratch the last name out, I got Rebecca, Lindsay and Britney. Rebecca, let's look at it for a minute. Your pops is so loaded you never have to work a day in your life. Even though your half white, I'll convert to Islam or whatever the fuck you want me to convert to. I'll sweep the house, scrub the bathroom, give you the best sex ever and I won't even use all that money. Just share the loot honey, you can be the independent woman that Beyonce always talks about. 

If that don't work, how about you Lindsay. You always say " I'd be with you forever," why don't we put this theory to test. I'm willing to stay with you forever all I ask for is that you manage the household. We both know when you apply yourself you're smart. But then you do this with your spare time: What Lindsay does on her spare time and you kind of lose the plot. However, your pops is rich and I don't think you'll get another dude in this world to make you laugh the way I do. Fair trade no? I make you laugh, you take me under your wing financially for the rest of our lives.

Finally there's Britney. The girl studying pre-med who is also a model. Your dad is worth more than anyone I know. You're about the only girl I know that could get anything she wants. How about you take me, I give you 4 kids and raise them while you're a doctor. Your friend and I have discovered you have some autistic tendencies (I'll explain later) so I can't see any dude sticking with you for long. How about you and I stick together forever, you really can't do worse so why not see what rock bottom feels like. 

One of y'all please say yes. Oh and if anyone wants to get angry at me, I chose today to ask these questions because tomorrow and Friday are roadrages then UFC on saturday. Thus I won't be around except during the day when everyone has school, so try finding me :) Peace.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Collection of RAT (Random Ass Thoughts)

Don't mind me I just finished an exam and my brain is fried and I'm ready to hit the bed, in that deep mood for no real reason, here are some thoughts that slipped my mind today. Oh and I'm not talking about anyone in particular nor am I suffering from depression LMAO, I like to think out-loud so hold the emails if you think I'm suicidal or something's wrong, leave me alone I'm making art.

- The world is filled with people who need to consistently make themselves believe that they are relevant in this world. They do so by reinforcing every seemingly correct move they make. The reinforcement gets so strong they no longer see the wrong moves they make, or they mask it with " I learn from my mistakes.." Think about over the course of the day, how many times you hear people say or insinuate " I was right." in comparison to how many times you hear people say " I was wrong." 

- Self-deception is the world's greatest drug.

- " I'm straight like 9:15" - Best line I heard all day. 

- I'd like to personally thank all the people who told me " You'll Understand When You're a Parent." I'm not a parent but I'm starting to understand....Fuck y'all for being right.

- If I die tomorrow I'd die with a fistful of regrets, things I wish I could change. Deep down, I'm glad changing it isn't an option.

-The world is a stock market where people are trying to raise their value through materialism, failing to see that the only thing that could possibly raise your value comes from within: contentment. When we give up the ideology that we have to become better than everyone else, only then do we become better than everyone else.

- Cancer and aids aren't the things that are killing us. Productivity and Efficiency are...

-The greatest thing I ever read:

-The latest headline on Yahoo reads: "How Kim Kardashian Keeps Her Curves." Yup, Jesus died for y'all for reasons like that. 
-In an idealistic world, I'm choose to be myself.

-Golf is technically the world's most dangerous sport, I'm not even lying. 

-The hardest task ever in this world: Looking in the mirror and realizing there's nothing wrong.

-Doritos Cool Ranch isn't so bad after all.

- If I had the choice between death, or a life with pre-determined amount of tomatoes, olives, or lettuce with every meal, I'm 100% certain I'd take death. 

-The best thing about growing up in poverty: Rice and butter. 

-Those bread rolls from Swiss Chalet seriously make a difference in my life. 

-I'd give a kidney to see Freddie Mercury and Will.I.Am. trade places.

-People now find outlets to feeling better about themselves by reading motivational quotes by other people....I'm going to run this world in a few years.

Alright I'm out. Peace.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Things That Make Me Say What The Fuck

I got 34 minutes to fire this one off before I got to do shit for the Nuggets/Thunder game so here goes a quick one. Today I'm watching news and I just kept saying " What the Fuck" over and over and over. Like being in complete awe at some of people's actions. Here are some things over the course of time that has made me say what the fuck. Oh before I got into it, check this email I got after I texted her a drunk email LMAO:

"I hope you had a great time buttt you might need to translate what you sent in this message, i understood hmm certain parts of it after i sat down and analyzed what you might have meant but I still need some help with it." 

hahahahahahaahahahaha real tears, the email went along something like this " htwjkjwakj wejwejkwejkw"

1) The Lady on the news who took a day off for the Royal Wedding.

What benefit does this give you. She said she'd lose a day's wage for the Royal Wedding. Will this make you happier? Seeing 2 fucked up people who were probably cousins get married. Spending over 64 million and probably having the most boring missionary sex for the rest of their lives. You lost a day's wage to witness this shit, what the fuck. 

2) People who eat Nutella. 

The fuck is wrong with y'all. That shit is chocolate on toast. I don't give a fuck what the nutritional facts label says, that shit is going to cause cancer and aids and everything else. My brother lives off this shit, it's chocolate that you're supposed to put on toast, what the fuck. 

3) People who bitch about world hunger.

A few weeks back I just finished a meeting and I got Teriyaki from one of those food court malls because I was starving. Now these re those places where they give you a shitload of rice. I eat what I can but I had a shitload of white rice left cause that shit causes all sorts of diseases so I tossed it. There's a lady at the trash can telling me about world hunger. Listen you heaux, World Hunger is because of irresponsible governments who are fucking around. There are enough resources in this world to feed everyone. In Africa where those children are starving, there are people who neglect to feed them poor kids. General Electric recently got a 3.2 billion dollar tax return from the government, leave me the fuck alone and bother someone else. Don't impose your will on my life, I'll waste all the fucking food I want to, it's my money, I paid for it, and the world has no problems of food shortages, they have a problem with economic manupulation. 
4) People who still fuck with Snoop Dogg:
Snoop Dogg's latest song. Fucking pathetic. 

5) Girls who say they don't fart.

Nigga please, you'd die, drop it. I've met girls who have convinced themselves they have never farted. " Oh I may have farted when I was 8 years old but since then I can't remember it. I burp a lot." The thing is, they were dead ass serious like in their heads they have never farted. Twisted and wrong, everyone does it you faggots. 

6) People in culinary school.

I've watched a few shows and know a few people in their. One pretty standard assignment is to eat a pig or cow or some shit, cooked well done etc. Their job is to guess what the animal ate before death. Dead ass serious if you could tell then the meat was done proper. What the fuck.

7) People who addicted to cigarettes.

Don't you see the pictures of people's lungs and shit on that package, how the fuck can y'all still smoke a pack a day knowing that in a few years your insides look like that.

8) People who ride smart cars.

The fuck wrong with you twisted motherfuckers. Y'all look like ass and won't accomplish anything in life. 

9) Jared the Subway guy.

This motherfucker, and others claim to lose weight after eating Subway daily. Everything on that motherfucking menu, all those 6 grams of fat options taste like ass. The only things worth buying is the Meatball Sub, Cheesesteak, Pizza Sub, or BBQ Ribs. All that shit is well over 1000 cals, if you eating Veggie Delights daily from Subway then you're a loser in life. 

10) The folks that threaten suicide.

If you're going to do it, don't just talk about it. Do it. Get up on the ledge and jump. No one gives a fuck about you if you're just going to consistently talk about it. Real folks say fuck that, get up on the bridge and jump. I know someone threatening to run his car into a truck everyday. If you were really going to do it, it would have been done already. So do it or shut the fuck up, pussy.

10 minutes to spare, Peace.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Dining With White People 101

Today I had the pleasure of eating a meal with white people. Trust me you low life niggas, they live the good life. If you want them to love you, which means they'll buy you materialistic shit you don't need but will probably make you feel good, then you have to know how to act. Getting into the inner circle of white folks is the best thing for us black people man they got it all, here's how you do it.

Know what a "serviette" is:

Man this old white lady asked me to pass her a serviette. I've never heard this word in my life. I'm thinking serviette, something to do with service. A fork and knife do great service so I pass her a fork, knife and spoon. She just blankstared me for about 10 seconds then said: " Sorry, I meant  napkin dear." Fuck I almost fucked it up but I don't speak french so she understood. Serviette, understand what that shit means. 

Realize that white people say "Oh for heavens sake." and it don't mean they're angry.

They kept saying it and I kept wondering why the fuck are these white people so angry for. They aren't it's just there way of communicating anything. "Oh for heavens sake" in white people language means " Laugh my ass off" in our language. 

Get in with the older one first and you're good to go. 

It's a known fact, they'll act different around you. Like they're trying to accommodate you but you got to understand, they don't communicate with us much so it ends up being like an elephant in the room. White people, when last you had a black person in your crib?...exactly. So you have to make them comfortable. You do this but talking to the oldest person first. She/he is your big ticket, you get in with that person then the whole family accepts you. For example I said: "Damn, you 82 years old, I bet you have a sex tape floating around since the 50s, can I see it? " Man this white lady laughed so hard she started hyperventilating. After that I couldn't get these people to stop serving me, it was great. 

Give up, don't make yourself look like an ass:

We're from the hood, we don't eat Lobster. They also had London Broil, I don't eat that stuff, I maybe have had 2 steaks in my life, I'm that black its strictly fried chicken or caribbean food. But man Lobster and London Broil is the hardest shit to eat. They clued on and they did all the work, shorty got all that lobster meat for me, didn't even have to work. As for the London Broil shit, it's alright if you like rich people food but I didn't care for it, took hours to cut so I just kinda threw it away when I went to get seconds. Those potatoes tho...heaven. 

Display your knowledge of all things white people like: 

Talk bout the following topics: Politics, Hockey, Golf, Reese Whiterspoon, crime, financial investments, Bryan Adams, Leann Rimes, Shawshank Redemption, traveling and Shania Twain, Academy Awards and Desperate Housewives.  They'll love you for it.

At the end of the day:

They're fucking weird. But they spend spend spend. Man that girl's mom hooked me up with so much leftovers, booze that they never opened and cookies, I'm good for a long ass time. They're weird alienated people but deep down they're like everyone else, they just haven't showed it in a long time. Don't be ignorant and you could get the good shit too. I've cemented my way onto the Christmas list while you niggas out here waking up on Christmas getting oversized t-shirts from Walmart clearance racks I'm getting expensive meals, liquor and shit you see on tv that you always wanted but can't justify the cost. Like a mini-fridge or a non stick frying pan. 

I'm out. Peace. By the way I stopped editing shit so if you're affected by mis-spelling or fucked up grammar then I suggest you do what this man did: Man takes control of his life.

Friday, April 22, 2011

No blog today.

I'm burnt out. I wish I was Jesus' disciple. Drink wine, eat bread, those niggas probably had hoes and shit. Wonder if the girls shaved their shit back then. Wonder if Joseph got any from Mother Mary, did he ever hit it. Did Jesus ever hit anything? Who the fuck wants to live 33 years, get killed in dramatic fashion and never have sex. Fuck man salute to you Jesus, I'm going to jack off and drink a shitload of wine on good friday cause you died for my sins, so if I don't commit them, the nigga died in vein. 

Ya I'm not about to let that happen. Peace.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Muslim Girls Won.

I've been getting lots of emails and stuff so let me just say this. I've been studying for this psychology exam for weeks now, my brain is fried. After tomorrow, I have one more exam, which finishes on the 26th. Which means yes, for all you ragers coming in for the UFC. I will be at St. Louis Bar and Grill on the 28th. Let me tell you, I haven't had a drink in weeks, I haven't had a good spliff, well yes I had but still. I haven't had any "Roddy White" since Vegas. On the 28th, I'm going as hard as I possibly can. Yankee fitted, come say what's up. I'll be pretty out of it though, it's circled on my calendar. When I'm done with that shit I want to look like those people on Intervention. Let me know if you plan to come through, Road Rages are fucking amazing. It's at 313 Bremner blvd. for those wondering and kicks off at 8pm. Porn stars will indeed be in attendance and I'm not exaggerating.

So shorty is withholding sex from me cause well I don't really know why. Oh ya, I told her " your bitchy ways don't work on me." Since then she hasn't given it up since and when I ask, she says " Sorry I'm protesting." So I've been thinking of ways to get it back because trust me, she got that good box. She's always so fucking horny too. Anyways I decided to talk to her Muslim friend. I was just bored and it's 3am and the chick is in Dubai so I just wanted to have a conversation with her. After that conversation I just want to let it be known, if there is any girl reading this and I've had any sort of relationship with you over the past year. With the exception of CEO chick, my relationships with everyone else is officially over. Y'all ain't shit. CEO chick I still love you though even though you got that problem with whis..., nevermind.

Everytime we go out, there's always a Muslim chick around who is sitting with her white friends and shit. We always neglect the Muslims because they got that hidden box, who the fuck knows what's down there? But it's 3am and I'm thinking fuck it, I'm going to ask this chick about her life, I want to know what that box is like and how could I get to it. Bad news first, the only way you get to a Muslim girl's box is if you marry her. She might suck you off if you're engaged but if you want to hit it, you have to be her husband, they wait it out. So that's the bad news which I discovered first. Then came the good news....

Her box has been waxed everyday as she prepares for her first time. When I asked her about the pain her response was " oh well, it's worth it for myself." Secondly I straight up asked, would you be conservative sexually. She said she'd be willing to do almost anything her husband was willing to try. I put that theory to test: " If I was your husband, could I pee on you." " If you wanted to try, I'd be more than willing." Alright so I'm thinking wow. Now let's ask again " Would you be tossing my salad?" She had to google it and returned with " yes." The only think you can't do with her is anal and threesomes, something about it being against her religion and she ain't down with either.

So let's do the math. Asian girls are like KIAs, they suck and only a certain amount of people drive them. Spanish girls are like minivans, efficient and comforting but won't ever last forever. Black girls are like public transport, only the lowest of the low use them. White girls are like SUVs or luxury cars and shit, amazing until you realize you don't need the unnecessary shit that comes with it. Then you have Muslim Girls, they are like a fucking private Jet, that G6 shit.

They got money cause she from Dubai. They got the most perfect box ever because it's untouched and perfectly clean just waiting for you. She's willing to do whatever with you (except anal and threesomes) so long as you wait. They are the most loyal Taliban heauxs ever because Allah told them to be loyal, they won't ever cheat and fuck around so you don't got to worry about that. So why rush around and drive all these cars when I could wait and have a G6? Who needs y'all when those Muslim girls are just waiting, box prepared and I just need to wait for it, it's too easy. Currently reciting this my niggas, get with it: The Key to Muslim Box.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Quite Possibly the Dumbest Man In the world.

Before I get into it, I have a sneaking suspicion that the white folks I know are exactly like the ones portrayed on the OC. Yup, I'm bout to cut all ties with that fucked up race. Please convince me otherwise. Alright story time:

My mom been crying and shit for like 2 weeks now and I sorta knew why but didn't know the whole story. Today I got it. About 5 years ago my uncle back in Trinidad got some disease or some shit and he can't walk properly. Now his daughter needed some cash as a down payment  because she wanted to attend the University of Stoke in England or some shit, he couldn't afford it and she had to beg, eventually some of her rich family paid it. That was like 4 years ago and ever since then, his family has been shitting on him. They literally haven't spoken in 4 years, at all even though they live in the same house. 

Now he celebrated his birthday 2 weeks ago, his 50th. He got up in the morning and told them to get the fuck out of his house, all of them. In one hour a moving van was at the house and they loaded their shit (his wife and two daughters) into garbage bags and got out of his house. They now live with his mother-in-law and he filed for separation and they never want to see him again. He said he had been planning this day for a long time and was just waiting to live to 50. Then promised himself the day he did it, he would no longer have contact with any of them. So I don't talk to any of them but because it's his 50th I talked to him 2 weeks ago. I said hey whatup, his response: " Nigga today is a blessing. A motherfucking blessing. Don't you dare get married, don't you dare knock any girl up. Fuck em and leave em." I said " thanks for the advice" and that was that.

Fast forward two weeks later. My mom been crying and shit saying he got no money. When I asked why the fuck he don't have no money, here's what I gathered. What I'm about to do is in Trinidadian currency so if the numbers seem inflated, keep that in mind.

1) He gets $1200 a month via disability because he can't work.
2) The house costs $3800 a month to operate (hot water, electricity, phone, cable, and his medication.)
3) His wife would bring home $1000 a month doing odd jobs.
4) His daughter give them $2700 a month. 
5) The house isn't his, it's in my aunt's name. 

See where this is going? This nigga kicked his family out, when they provide $3800 towards keeping the house operational, 100% of the costs. I asked my mom, what did he contribute to the house? " Oh he would wash and cook." I thought she was joking... So right now he's making $1200 and the house costs give or take lets say $3000 to operate because 3 people left the house. This nigga is broke shit and can't afford his medication. Then I did the calculations. He's 50, been sick for 5 years. So he could have worked from 18-45, 27 motherfucking years. I ask my mom, I say, "listen this dude had 27 years of a body that could work and I know he was a mechanic and in the coast guard. Where's that money? " Oh he spent it." She wouldn't tell me me where the money was. 

Then I thought about it. Back in the day when we'd visit on vacation, this guy always had exotic fish. Sharks, piranas, all that shit. He had custom made tanks, must have cost thousands. I said mom tell my I'm lying, this dude spent most of his money on those exotic fish right? Her response: " Aaron listen, it's not good to laugh at people's downfall." To this second, it still hurts to breathe I'm laughing so hard. So in conclusion, he kicked out his family, who take care of all of the expenses, he has no money for medication and if he don't find a way to get cash soon, he'll be homeless. To make matters worse, today, his daughter who just became a lawyer (literally months ago) signed a contract where she'll be making $15-20k a month, and he won't see a dime because she hates him and he just threw her out.

Only black people man, only black people are capable of this stuff. Peace.

Reasons Why You're A Faggot, Part 5

19) For the people who got french names.

If you're name is Michel, Claude, Theirry, Joakim, all that gay shit, then your parents knew you'd be a faggot.

18) People who say "I could care less."

You're a definite faggot, I ain't one for grammar and spelling and shit but stop being so gay, you sound like a fool.

17) People who eat olives.

That shit is disgusting and if you like that then you must be a faggot. 

16) People who use relish.

Who the fuck eats relish? I could understand hot peppers, ketchup, mustard, all that shit but relish? That shit is fucking nasty. Faggot.

15) If you watch the OC or Dawson's Creek back in the day you're a faggot. I ain't gonna lie, I watched both and love it. That don't mean it's straight people shit. It's as gay as they come, but shit is addictive. Leave me alone niggas. 

14) For the people who use sun screen.

Nah fuck all that cream shit, I stay ashy but I'm from the hood, we don't moisturize are skin and shit. Real people say fuck that sun screen, I rather have cancer and they soldier it up. You should to, faggot.

13) If you got a 6-pack you a faggot.

Now I could understand trying to get healthy so you hit the treadmill. But what the fuck you going to be doing on that bow flex and shit and then doing "crunches." Nah homie you are a faggot. Real people say fuck all that, I'm going to have my stomach the way it is and drink all the fucking beer I want. So long as your toes are visible and you could still reach your dick without using GPS, you're fine. 

12) If you listen to techno and electronic music or whatever that genre called, you a faggot.

That gay ass shit has no place in society, take that shit the fuck wherever you found it. It is beyond gay you faggots.

11) If you tell her "I love you" everytime she says it, you're a faggot. 

The other day I withheld it from her. She said it but I want something from her and she ain't budging. So when she said "I love you." I said thanks. Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, she was pisssssssed. She went back to her childhood days "you know I had it rough and I'd prefer if things were easy-ish now (ya she said easy-ish) so can you please say it? I didn't budge. I'm about to get what I want all because I didn't say 3 words. Withhold it a few times and you could get it too. 

10) If you eat Hamburger Helper your a faggot.

I went to someones house a few weeks ago and they made this. The fuck is this shit? It's like bootleg ground beef mixed with the shit in your couch cushion mixed with a herpes infected vagina. This shit, whatever it is, is for the faggots. 

9) If you're a fan of Kanye, you're a faggot.

Not even going to explain this one.

8) If your girl is darker than you, you're a faggot.

This means you simply lost out in life and have reached the staged of faggotry. Life is all about upgrades, and when your bird is darker than you, it ain't an upgrade...

7) If you know what's in a hot-dog, you're a faggot.

Real people eat that cancerous shit at least once a week and suffer the consequences later. 

6) If you never had a pizza-pocket in your life, you're a faggot.

I admit they're not the best tasting shit in the world but you gotta have at least one in your life. 

5) If you named your kid, or know a kid named Destiny or Charity, you a faggot.

4) People who smoke cigs are faggots.

Few weeks ago we were wasted so when we get plastered we smoke to take the edge off. That shit was still in my mouth 2 days later and tastes like death, the fuck is wrong with you?

3) If you use band-aids for cuts, you're a faggot.

Real folks just wash that shit and go about with there day. 

2) People who eat Poutines.

I thought long and hard about this one. The fuck is wrong with y'all. Fries, cheese and gravy ain't meant to be mixed together and shit. And to be honest it's so fucking salty it ends up tasting like death anyway. It ain't even good, y'all just think it's good, as did I. If I want to die quickly I'll just shoot heroin into my dick. 

1) People who take facebook seriously.

I'll post my motherfucking balls on your wall. I don't give a fuck. If you got your parents, bosses or co-workers on facebook and your worried about perceptions then you're the biggest fag ever. I got professors on mine and I'm constantly talking about all sorts of shit. For the people who take facebook seriously or make it into a business thing, y'all are faggots. 

Here's a sample post from my facebook status shit:
"If you are eating the box when she's pregnant. Can you see a head and shit? Food for thought."

Monday, April 18, 2011

Reasons Why You're A Faggot, Part 4

You haven't lived life unless you're at a strip club, collapsing, your intestinal lining is shredding and there are three strippers crowded around you ready to give CPR. Fuck man, life flashing before my eyes and all, definitely thought I was dead this weekend once I started seeing dead relatives talking to me and shit. Won't get into it but the shit that happened this weekend was no fucking joke, involved no alcohol or drugs. Fucked up but thankfully everything is okay lmao. Let's get it:

39) For the people who go to Starbucks and don't say Small, Medium, Or Large. Also the people who refer to coffee workers as Baristas.

Y'all are big faggots. Say small, medium, and large like everyone else, none of that venti crap, that makes you the gayest of the gays. Then you refer to the coffee servers as Baristas. The fuck is that? They make $7.50 an hour serving you your coffee but you think they're so special you decide to give them an Italian ass name? So what do y'all call the drive thru chick at Burger King? Sous chef? Nah stop it you faggots. 

38) If you watch curling you're a faggot. 

Nah fuck that shit, throwing rocks saying hurry hard with brooms. Fuck that. I don't care if they're milfs, they are dressed in spring jackets and long pants. That shit is boring and unappealing, yet here in this bitch ass country I live in, they continue to show it. Wish I could move to Libya. 

37) If You Lock Your Car Doors When You Come Through the Hood Your A Faggot.

I'm too ghetto for that automatic car door shit. When you get out my car you better lock your door. However, I've had numerous incidents where I'm driving and the people I'm with lock their doors while in the car because we're in a ghetto ass neighbourhood. Fuck all that, real people roll the windows down and say " Can I get a Gram my niggas?" 

36) If you Never Taken A Sick Day at Work, You're A Faggot.

Sick days are meant to be taken, and abused. For the people who pride themselves on "never taking one in the past 20 years." You're a big fag. 

35) If you know what a Bagette is you're a faggot. 

I recently received a phone call from the neighbor a few weeks ago: " Hey I went to the grocery store and bought an extra bagette, would you like one?" My response: "umm no thanks." I don't know what the fuck a bagette is and refuse to check. I speak english so if you got something to give me, say it in fucking english. 

34) If you eat your bread with butter and/or cheese you're a faggot.

Nah, fuck that. She took me out and we had bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. There's no other way to live. Butter, cream cheese, regular cheese all that shit is for the faggots, balsamic vinegar and olive oil is where its at. 

33) If you never defended your bird your a faggot.

You might get your ass beat, but real folks stand up for their chick when someone has screwed her over. Trust me she'll repay you. Only faggots keep their mouth shut when their girl is getting played.

32) If you celebrate "Patriots Day." Your A Faggot.

I was checking baseball schedules for tomorrow. I see the Jays/Red Sox first pitch goes at 11:05am. I've been watching sports for 18 years now and can't remember a professional game in the eastern time zone in North America going before 12pm. So I checked it out and it's a Patriots Day tradition. Nah, it's a faggot tradition started baseball games before I even brush my teeth. 

31) If you intend to watch the "Royal Wedding" You're a Faggot.

Do I even need to explain this one?

30) For those who don't know what Chip Butties are: Faggots.

Though I will admit it tastes like ass unless they got the special type of bread.

29) If you know how fast your car goes from zero to 60, you're a faggot. 

Think about it, whether it's 0.9 seconds or 5.5 seconds, does it really fucking make a difference? 

28) For the people who have never listened to an "Ace of Base" song, y'all are faggots.

27) If you don't know the chorus to "Knowing Me Knowing you" by Abba, you're a faggot. 

26) If your girl has never farted in front of you, or done some wack shit, you're a faggot.

Here's how you know when you're in a real relationship. When she farts, blows her nose, does her make-up while you're in the bathroom etc. If she don't, it just means she's getting dick elsewhere and you're the faggot for loving her.

25) If you never wanted to fuck the mother of an ex-gf you're a faggot. 

24) If you never searched "Grease intro" on youtube, you're a faggot.

Here I'll save you faggots some time:

23) If you a dude and you still have a full head of hair, it means your dad got it up the ass before he had you.

22) If you have never watched a WWE fight, you're a faggot. 

21) If you have never tried to replicate your signature with your urine, you're a faggot.

20) If you didn't die laughing at Forest Gump or Radio, you're a definite fag.

Last 20 tomorrow y'all. Peace.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

No Blog Today.

Fuck Revenue Canada. Going to bed. Back Monday.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

And So It Continues

 Oh shit almost forget: Best Video ever.

I'll continue the lists tomorrow got to update y'all on some stuff. A lot of y'all been asking about the response or a follow-up to the story of Reginald (posted a few days back so here goes.)

Last night my head just hit the pillow at about 2:50am. Tee's off, cover's over me and I'm dreaming about plowing Sandra Bullock. My phone goes off, I got that shit on vibrate 24/7, 365 so once it didn't go off more than twice, it was a text. I get up, right about when Sandra was pulling down my pants and I check my phone. " Yo fag, I just had a heart to heart with ____, I'd like to have one with you, could you come online." For starters I initially read that as "Yo I had a heart attack." I immediately start to think what a waste of a life, if I'm being honest. Anyway the fact that he used proper punctuation means he wasn't wasted. I know the guy is drunk and I'd heavily wager over 22 hours a day but his body is well conditioned to alcohol so I'm thinking alright I want to see what he wants. I turn on the computer and after about 5 minutes. We get to talking. 

"Yo, I told you." That's the first message I receive. Now I know dude was drunk but he was coherent enough to remember my responses to his question 2 months ago. Let's call this a misinterpretation. For starters, if you tell me something (as a lot of you do.) and you tell me to keep it to my grave, it's going to my grave. But this nigga said he told me not to tell anyone about the prostitutes and I thought he was asking about who reads my blog, not making a point that there are people he doesn't want finding out. So I do the right thing, I see no need to apologize, but it's 3am and I'm sleepy. If it bothers him so much that a guy who has no problem going on and showing the world his drinks, his weed, and his work has a problem with me talking about his prostitutes, then I'll be the bigger man. (how's that for a run on sentence.) So I apologize and say we good? Nah, of course not, I can't expect nothing different from a 17 year old white bitch.

Remember how last time it was "Game. Ova. Done" on every line? Instead it was "I told you" "I told you man." Then he plays this sympathy bullshit. "I trusted you, I thought you were worth my friendship. Yup, dude starts seeking guilt. The pussy wouldn't stop either he went on for a good 10 minutes, til I told him I wanted nothing to do with him and I told him to leave me the fuck alone. Clearly you don't know me cause I ain't an apologist. Alright so one last time, Reginald, I'll address this one last time. I hope you're listening. 

Listen you worthless piece of shit, stay the fuck away from me. Stay far the fuck away from me. After you finish doing your 8hrs for the company that will soon let your ass go, I suggest you sit down, in front that computer and steadily drink. Reginald, you ain't worth my time, any ounce of energy, and I want nothing to do with you. You know what makes you happy, here take notes motherfucker, I'll give you the key to happiness. In the years I've known you, the only thing that makes you happy is your ability to outdrink others. That's it, that's your accomplishment. While everyone surrounds you says "Hey I got kids." "Hey I got a promotion." "Hey I got a wife." You sit there, in your parents basement. In John and Maria's basement, while your sister is out there in Australia living life. You sit there, and bitch and complain, and then seek relief in the fact that you could drink more James Ready 5.5 than anyone you know. That's your only means for existance. Mother Teresa wants you to grow some balls man.

Live your life you schizo-bipolar, sick, twisted motherfucker. Go head and devour the vagina of prostitutes after they been jizzed on by the city of Hamilton. Go head and kiss the mouths of prostitutes after she sucked off 40 men in the last 3 days. Go head and text your ex on lonely nights, telling her how you ran into her kids while she tells you to leave her alone. Go head and cry about the fact that your co-workers are having kids and you deem them unfit mothers, because you feel the need to think you influence others. Spend your morning crying about how some girl 17 years ago on Valentines dumped you at a restaurant. Your life is shitty so I won't wish anything bad on you. I hope tomorrow when you wake up Reginald, a prostitute gives you a discount.

I hope when you eat her out, you get all the left over semen in the world. I hope when you kiss her in the mouth, she doesn't have excess semen on her tongue and just enough to satisfy you. I hope tomorrow when you wake up, the James Ready you drink is discounted, so you could get more and speed up the process of death even more. Y'all wanna know something, this nigga once told me, the pressures of our FIFA game is what drove him to drink. That's the type of fuck boy he is, he's such a minuscule individual that a video game, the intensity is what he claims drove him to drink. I hope tomorrow Reginald, your 73cents Kraft Dinner Mac and Cheese tastes delicious and maybe will have the right amount of salt with all the shit that's in your mouth. You told everyone you made out with a girl the other day because she liked your jacket, I hope they believe you and they don't come to the realization that the girl was your right palm. I hope you continue to enjoy the semen of all the other men in the city of Hamilton and the Golden Horseshoe, I wish you nothing but the finest Semen your $170/hr could buy.

May someone reading this pray for your hopeless ass cause I sure as hell won't. Peace once again, man-slute.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Reasons Why You're A Faggot, Part 3

59) People who listen to their girl cry.

No country for us folks, it's bad. As a matter of fact, I had to deal with this today. Shorty started crying cause of some shit, then when I told her, "didn't you think it was obvious?" Nah it just got worse. Usually I have an escape route but not this time, had to soldier this one up. Then the hardest part is asking for sex after the tears dry. Most awkward shit ever, but she gave me some. Yet the fact that it sensitizes you makes you a faggot.

58) If you have more than one functioning bathroom in your house you a faggot unless there are 5 or more people in your house.

The four of us have lived 22+ years only using one bathroom. You don't need another one. I know people of 5 who got 7 bathrooms, the fuck does anyone need 7 bathrooms for. 7 bathrooms should cover a football roster sleeping over, you gay ass people. 

57) If you still crying him/her after 2 months.

Dead ass serious I know someone crying over me after three years. Nah, stop it you faggot. There is a two month window and then you move the fuck on. Word, faggots be crying about shit that left them back in 99, stop it. 

56) If you refer to yourself as "winning" or having "tigerblood" you a faggot.

55) If you never been the embarrassing drunk friend you a faggot. 

I'm usually the worst out of my crew every single night we go out. Who the fuck cares, people be talking about "you're embarrassing me by puking under the table" or " pee in the urinal." Fuck all that, I'll piss on the floor/sink when I want to, only faggots worry about making sure everyone gets home safe. 

54) If you reside in the following cities you're a faggot: Montreal, Philadelphia, Chicago, Phoenix, Boston (nah Boston shows me a lot of love), the State of West Virginia, Ottawa, Atlanta and Orlando.

53) Dudes who wear scarves and chicks who wear that shit in warm weather are faggots.

52) If you never watched an episode of Saved by the Bell you're a faggot.

I spent most of my early teams jacking off to Kelly, y'all should have been doing that too. 

51) People who use cashiers when the self-checkout is empty.

I know it's a bit difficult and you'll lose the first four battles against the machine. Then you gotta call the old lady over and she don't know what the fuck she doing and it turns into a mess. Yet after a while it's the way to go, fuck waiting in lines. 

50) If you tell people you don't lie you're a faggot.

Everyone lies, I'm the most open fuck out there but I'll lie if it's the best option. We all do. Yet some folks walk around claiming they never lie, shut the fuck up faggot.

49) For those of you who refer to baseball as "boring," y'all are the biggest fags out there. 

48) If you go to church and when the collection comes around and they say this is for the "church building fund." If you believe they going to take that money and help restore the church you a faggot.

47) If you never read a Dr. Suess book, either to yourself or to your kids, you're a faggot.

Y'all don't know about those green eggs and ham, fuck I want to read it now and I'm being dead serious.

46) People who tell the truth on their taxes.

Stop it, real folks lie and twist those numbers and get paid. Fuck an auditor. 

45) If you never fucked 2 chicks/men at different times during the day, or at least fucked around, you're a faggot.

I don't recommend doing this all the time but it must be tried at least once, it just feels good. Though I'm done doing it cause last time I did it I showed up with a mad amount of glitter on my dick and didn't know how to explain it. 

44) People who wear vests are faggots.

Don't know if I said this one already but there's no need to wear a vest, you look like a clown.

43) People who cry about money problems but spend lavishly.

I know a couple who are bankrupt crying but she makes 110k a year and they have eaten out at restaurants at least 310 days a year. On top of that she pays an insane amount for cheap labor. She gave me $290 to take down her fence and it took me like an hour of just beating the shit down. Then she threw in another $200 to get rid of the wood. 5 bills and it took me just over 2 hours. 

42) People who pay for music.

That shit is free, stop it. 

41) People who take 4929827 hours to piss at a sporting event.

Fuck you. I'm drunk and need to pee, have your fly open, get to the fucking urinal and let it go. The fuck you standing there shaking your dick for 35 minutes while there's a big ass group of drunk men dying to piss behind you.

40) People who drink iced teas. 

That shit taste nasty. Like balls mixed with dick mixed with splenda. Stop it.

Next 20 tomorrow, peace.

Reasons Why You're A Faggot, Part 2

Let's Go. 

79: If you refer to the catcher in baseball as a "back-catcher." 

Get your linguist loving ass the fuck out of here. This is on some faggot shit, stop being redundant and stop being gay, we all know the catcher plays behind the hitter. Just stop it. 
78) If A Chick Never To You "I left him for you," your a faggot.
You're not a real man until you hear these words and trust me, it'll make your life better. At the same time what goes around comes around so you'll get it back but it's worth it. Hi ______.
77) If you drink from a thermostat or thermometer or whatever the fuck it's called, I'm too lazy to google but you're a faggot.

You know what I'm talking about the jugs with the cover that you could drink coffee out of or soup and shit. That's on some high levels of faggotry, stop it, you look like a fool and I don't give a fuck that it keeps your shit warm.

76) If you never thought a tranny was cute you're a fag. 

Yea, I know this sounds weird and gay and while I have never been fooled in real life, I have been fooled in pics and shit. It happens. Some of them pull it off man, I don't know how, I don't want to know how, but some of them picture to picture look better than your baby moms. Then you find out they got a dick and you like whoa. But if you being real if they didn't have a dick you'd say "I'd hit it." It happens to all of us, if you deny it, it just means you fuck the ugly faggots. So don't. 

75) If you use chopsticks you a fag.

I tried this the other day, it's gay. Eating rice off wood, no thanks, I like the grip and shit I get with a fork and a spoon. The fuck am I putting long pieces of wood (no homo) in my mouth for??? Get that faggot shit the fuck outta here. 

74) If you put your ketchup on top the fries your a faggot.

Real niggas put that shit in a corner and dip it like proper human beings. That way we don't have to use a fork. The fuck you going to put it on top the fries then you got to use a fork and shit cause you don't want to be messy. Fuck that, put it on the side, dip it, and lick your fingers you pansy. 

73) If she never accused you of cheating.

The fuck you making her get comfortable for? She's just going to run and tell her friends your a sucka. Real niggas lie about there whereabouts and have her doubting all the time, even when you did nothing wrong. It's the proper way to go about things.

72) If you watch all that extra shit that comes with a dvd/blu ray.

Fuck those deleted scenes and interviews with the actors and shit. Real people just want to see the fucking movie and nothing else. Anyone who wastes times on that unnecessary shit is a homo.

71) If you wear a backpack, but it ain't the 2 straps, it's one long strap like a man purse or whatever, you're a faggot. 

70) People who use hand sanitizers.

That shit don't kill no 99.9% bacteria. That shit was created by Johnson and Johnson so them white folks could get rich. Think of the years and years our ancestors have lived without any hand-sanitizer. The world is a dirty place, live in it and stop trying to fight it, you're a faggot for using shit that don't work.

69) If you never mixed up her name with someone else.

I've done this my entire life. Since I been 14 I been calling girls the wrong name, so much so that they embrace it. Proper way to live. 

68) People who use straws for cola/soda.

67) People who went to Prom/Graduation .

I knew my parents or I couldn't afford either so I went to none. Instead I went to the after-parties. Then the fucking African I was with pulled out his gun on hotel management who were trying to kick us out and we had to bolt for our lives. Proper way to live. Prom I understand but who the fuck wants to go to graduation anyway? Wear a gay ass gown, listen to gay ass music, fuck all that shit.

66) People who eat sausage or ham in a can. 

65) If you never watched an episode of Three's Company you're a fag.

You don't know what you're missing.

64) Dudes who wear the color pink.

63) If you have a room in your house (the family/living room) without a tv.

The fuck you going to have an empty space. What you expect people to do in that room? Most white people got this. They got a nice room with furniture and paintings and shit. And no one been there since John Candy died. Put a tv in it and use the fucking room.

62) If you never watched "Cool Runnings" you're a fag. 

61) People who use powerpoints.

Fuck that shit, fuck all those visual aids. Real people just talk to people than have some shitty pictures off google images and a few sentences to explain your point. They just talk. 

60) People who believed the War on Iraq was because they had Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Next 20 coming tomorrow. Peace.