Below is the official first draft of Tiger Woods' apology. This was what he had planned to say before his people got hold of it and edited the shit out of it. Enjoy:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I've come today before you to ask for your forgiveness. The truth of the matter is, my Swedish wife may be sexy on the outside but she's a bitter cunt on the inside. Oh and she also has a putrid pussy. I'm deeply sorry for the fact that I cheated on her with various forms of life which include females, transexuals, animals, and I even did a cactus one time in Nevada. Elin, who was a nanny before I met her ass, has forced me to show some respect and this is exactly what I plan to do. I will no longer stick my cock into ugly looking pornstars, old British women and waitresses at Perkins. Instead I will try to be more like my role-model, my late father Earl Woods. Oh nevermind I forgot he cheated as well. To the media who I blame for causing me to cheat, fuck you. I cannot stress enough that this matter is between me, my wife and the 384 women I cheated with and I can't forget the cactus. For the 5 friends that have come today to support me, I'm forever grateful. Nevermind 4 of them are security guards and the other is my mother.
I was digging around the house because Elin refuses to fuck me and I came across Buddhism and its doctrines. Before getting caught I didn't give a fuck about religion but now that I've been subjected to humility and suffering, I'm thankful that I have found religion because it will help me keep my dick in my pants. Despite currently having a boner because I'm imagining Star Jones naked, I think my actions will show that I could be a changed man and I'm ready to win my fans back. Oh and even though this has nothing to do with anything, let me mention that I have helped 3 negros find education in the Washington D.C. area. The Tiger Woods Foundation reaches out to kids in impoverished areas where they need the help most. Places like Laguna Beach, California, Hartford, Connecticut and Augusta, Maine have all benefited greatly from the foundation because let's face it, it's very difficult to achieve anything in those ghetto-ass areas.
I'd like you all to know that tomorrow I will continue to receive treatment for an addiction I don't have. In therapy I have learned to masturbate without porn and it's a great skill that I will be able to apply without therapy. To my PGA friends on tour who wish I were dead or raped by a big black guy, I thank you for allowing me to take the spotlight away from you so I could issue an apology I really don't mean. To my mother, who I once tried to have sex with, I'm sorry for letting you down and not obeying the rules you and my cheating father instilled in me. Before I go I want the media to understand that despite my wife beating my ass with a golf-club and smashing my face, we have never had a domestic assault incident during our relationship and everything you print is false. Have a great day.
P.S: Fuck you Rachel Uchitel
Recapping Picks: I'm going to go head and count my blessings. I know a lot of you wagered big on my picks last night and glad we came out of that with no scratches. After starting the night 0-3, we found composure and ended the night 4-4. 53-48 on the month.
Today's Picks: Check back throughout the day incase I add anymore.
Charlotte Bobcats vs Milwaukee Bucks........Bobcats +2.5
Tennessee vs South Carolina.........................Tenn -2
Wake Forest vs NC State...............................Wake Forest -2
Buffalo vs St Peters.........................................Buffalo +1.5
Kentucky vs Vanderbelt..................................Kentucky +1
Nogueira vs Cain......(UFC)...........................Nogueira -110
Jardine vs Badar............................................Jardine +125
Bonnar vs Soszynski......................................Bonnar +150
Sacramento Kings vs LA Clippers......................Kings +1
May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. Incase you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.
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