What A Fucked Up Week

Don't mind me I'm going to sit in my shrink chair and vent/complain/bitch/soak it all in. Therapeutic entry for yours truly.

I had to write a paper this week on the argument from evil. The argument states that because there's evil in this world, there is no God. My response to that was that there is some sort of good to be found in all evil, it helps build the soul. Yet not even I could believe in that. What fucking good is there when a mother has to bury her child? Then it made me think of all the suffering in the world, why do we have to suffer. I mean right now there's kids starving and dying and there isn't shit they did to deserve that. I believe in God and even though my faith has taken a beating, why is it wrong to question God? Why can't I ask, why is it that I have all these things, yet halfway around there's a kid my age, with nothing. Yet that dude is probably a better person than me. Shit I just don't get it.

Then I watch my parents and even though they could be the biggest assholes at times I just keep watching them thinking shit they've been beaten down. On the outside they look fine but you could just see the stress tear them apart. Like these people haven't seen happiness since the ball dropped on Y2K and the world didn't end. The whole 9-5 think has really caught up to them. My pops is 45 and my mom is 48 and they just look tired and hopeless. It isn't the money it's just the fact that they've worked 5 days a week for the past 25 years and its taken its toll. Is that what I'm going to be once a graduate? Sitting in a fucking cubicle working making money for some twisted jackass and before I know it I'm 55 years old and life has passed me by and I just become a lifeless dude whose soul purpose in life is to have enough change for the pizza delivery guy and a couple of cans of beer.

My friends are going through some shit and I feel helpless. I try to steer people in the right direction and I know I wouldn't give them bad advice but to see people suffering, my own people still fucks me up. I pray for all of them, I know they'll get through whatever it is they have to fight but life's a struggle and when people finally overcome it, it sucks them back in. My neighbour back in Trinidad dude was living in an abandoned slave barrack. He spent years, literally on his old hands and feet building his house. I watched this dude every summer I came to visit, he had bomb ass weed because he was a rasta and we'd smoke and listen to Bob Marley or Peter Tosh. Dude would tell me "yuh see dread, nex year dis house go be complete." Every year I went back it wasn't complete but he got a little more done. Dude finally finishes building his house, about 12 years after he laid the foundation. 6 months after, this past week, he passed away due to prostate cancer. He spent a lifetime saving for his house, he spent 12 years building it, and he got to live in it for 6 months til he died. Fucked up.

I used to think money would make it all go away but it really doesn't. Money doesn't even put a dent in suffering. I know a chick, whose pretty much a millionaire, multi-millionaire. Yet she has an immediate family member who suffers from M.S. Everyday she has to be at home, or make sure someone is home and lift the person, clean the person, keep the person company, give the person medication. It's worse than a full-time job and she tries to play it off like it's nothing but you can tell it eats her away. She does it because she wants to and the other options aren't great for the person, those nurses don't do a good job but it's tearing her apart. My pops used to pray his Grandmother died and I never understood why but it's all starting to piece together. Seeing people suffer is sometimes worse than enduring suffering.

I been thinking about quitting the whole blog thing for a minute. At first I was just doing this for the fuck of it. Then the hits wernt up and I got companies messaging me and calling me and shit. The money came in but it wasn't even money I could spend. If you wonder why I gamble so much it's because it's all the money earned from this blog. Those assholes tax me and despite my mom's denial, I know she has access to my bank account (works for TD) so I just tell companies to credit my gaming accounts and I keep it all in there. I don't get taxed and my mom will never be asking why I have so much money in my bank account. Yet I was thinking of quitting it all, on the business side of things people can be real assholes, thinking they own you because they cut you a cheque. They wanted me to pump products subliminally in each entry, stop cursing and post once every 3 days. I said get the fuck out of here. Somewhere along the lines I stopped having fun doing this. But today I was just cleaning out my inbox and I kept re-reading emails. I've been able to travel to places I probably never would have been. I kept seeing shit like "man reading your shit help me get through so much I'm just always laughing my ass off." I got people from Romania and Figi sending me emails, I couldn't point to these places on a map. 

Somehow I felt that life isn't just about the suffering endured, it's about living and doing whatever you fucking feel like. Don't mind this emo ass entry, next week I'll be more ignorant than ever. Thanks for all the love and support and if you want to add me on facebook, twitter, msn, email, Skype (if you're a chick) wherever just to shoot the shit hit me up at BustaBusta_2001@yahoo.com or leave your details in the comments section of the blog and I'll get back to you. Next week will be a better week. 

Recapping the Night: What a night. 

Play of my day/life:
$2000 Denver Nuggets -1 -110 (L)
$2200 Lakers/Suns over 207.5 -110= Return of $4200
$100 Pens -1.5 +210 (L)
Total Wagered: $4300
Total Returned: $4200
Total Loss: $100
Total Earned to Date: $3075.15

Contact Info: BustaBusta_2001@yahoo.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.