A Eulogy For A Friend

For starters, I'm always on the grind, check my article on the website www.intheot.com if you're interested : Concussions and Trauma.

So another installment of the fucked up life of yours truly. I have this alcoholic friend who hates the world (shit, he sounds similar to me minus the alcoholism part) and he swears he's going to die in the near-future. A few months ago he asked me to write his eulogy and he insisted I speak at his funeral. I never gave it much thought but he's progressively gotten worse and it's only a matter of time before organ failure sets in so tonight I figured i'd give it a go. If he wants me to speak at his funeral these are the exact words that would come out of my mouth: (everything I say is 100% accurate)

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to mourn, or celebrate, (depending on the side you're on) the death of Nate. Let's call a spade a spade. Nate was a failure in life. He knocked up a chick at 18, made her get an abortion. He often thought about killing his parents. He hated the world and chances are, if you're listening to this, he wanted you dead. I could get up here and talk all this bullshit about how he was a great person but he was alright. Dude was funny as fuck and if not for the alcohol and drugs I'm conviced he'd be an excellent sitcom writer. Instead he spent days lurking various webcam sex websites and cried about past girlfriends. He sucked at video games and spent all his money on hookers or booze. He often said the hookers he plowed didn't allow him to do anal because he was too big so there's an accomplishment for our loved one (no homo) Nate. He didn't take much victories in his life but at least he wasn't a toll booth collector or a border guard, he at least tried to succeed.

He banged some hot heaux without paying them but he was the type of dude that wanted to pay so he didn't have to converse with them. He was a decent cook and if you got to know him like I did, he was a good friend. Deep down he wanted to change he just didn't feel he was worth it. I also contributed to his death. At first I was like "ay nigga slow down." After a while I knew it was false hope so I started telling him to drink more and speed up the inevitable process. He went from beer to vodka and cranberry juice. Sometimes I'd join him. After that he spent most of his money on a variety of alcohol and would make Long Island Ice Teas at 5 shots per drink. He'd have a few of those, then some weed, then some pints. By midnight he wanted us all dead and often gave me elaborate descriptions as to how he was going to kill people. Because I'm an asshole, I encouraged it. He even told me, when he shot people up, he'd be wearing my blog url on a t-shirt so I could get publicity, that's how considerate the guy was.

He had mental problems (as do most of us) so who are we to judge. He enjoyed threatening people and even had a brief rap career under the name "B.O.B." (Bend over Bitches). At this point I bet some of you think I'm lying so here, I'm going to play/link his hit song Peaches In A Can. He tried to seek help on a few occasions but they told him that generic shit that no one wants to hear and the meds they gave him stopped him from getting erections so he said fuck it. But he's still my homie. He spent his nights crying to love scenes in various movies and everyday him and I would bang this song called "Dance Wiv Me-Dizzee Rascal" and laugh at British people. Don't cry for this nigga cause right now he's in Purgatory listening to Lady Gaga and Fall Out Boy eating Cheese-Strings and Vienna sausage in a can. He wasn't shit, but realer than most, so I'm going to do a line off a hooker's ass tonight. I suggest you all do the same. Peace. 

Recapping the Night: Thank you NBA, once again. 

 Play of the Day:
 Kentucky +2 -110 (W)

 NBA:
 Raptors -1.5 -110 (L)
 Raptors/Bobcats over 198 -110 (L)
 Milwaukee/Boston over 179.5 -110 (L)

 NCAAB:
 Dayton/Richmond over 125.5 -110 (L)
 Penn St/Ohio St. over 126 -110 (W)

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.