The Date From Hell

I don't go on dates. I'll chat with you, I'll fuck you, hell I'll even try to be genuine in times of need but going out on a date is not something I do. Let's face it, I'll either stare at your tits for most of the date thinking when will I hit it, or mindfuck you with my deep philosophical thoughts and scare you away, that has been my last for the last 21 years. However, I'm home for 3 weeks with fuck all to do and my mom thought it would be a good idea to go out on a date with someone she knows. I only agreed to this because I had met the chick before at a bbq (I was drunk) but remember her being light-skinned so I said why the fuck not, maybe we'll fall in love with each other and she'll make enough money for the both of us....ya right.

The date from hell started with her ringing my doorbell 20 minutes earlier than anticipated and dressed in her Shoppers Drug Mart uniform. It's kind of hard taking someone seriously when her fucking shirt says "Shoppers Optimum Users, Win 1 of 10 Ford Fiestas." There goes my dreams of living off this girl for the rest of my life, she works a basic ass job to try and pay for school. She said she just got off a shift and didn't have time to change. So now I'm wondering what her box (pussy for you white folks) smells like. If she just got off a 12 hour shift, that box must be rancid. Just what I fucking need, a girl who works a regular ass job with the high probability of having a disgusting smelling box. So I get into her car and the date from hell continues. As she starts the car, her cd starts to play and the song is some fucking Black Eyed Peas song. In my head I'm hoping that this car is about to shut down but nope we head to the restaurant.

We get to the restaurant and I'm now setting odds with myself, based on the conversation we're having, on the chances of me hitting it or at least getting head. She mentioned her sister, God, her pet, her aunt who she loves, her love of potatoes, and that she loves to read books about Vampires on her spare time. Odds of me getting head were now set at +949020289284. Meanwhile I'm lying through my teeth because she's the daughter of my mother's friend and anything I tell her will eventually reach the ears of my mother. No, Melanie, I don't drink or smoke. In my spare time I like to bake and take long country drives. At this point I'm not lying to mislead her, I'm lying to her because I'm getting entertained.

After another half of dozen lies the food arrives and I finally don't have to listen to her talk. However I notice something that really pissed me off, I got bigger tits than this girl. I figure that I'm probably an A cup, surely bigger than Kate Hudson's tits before the boob job but this chick got boobs that are flatter than soda that has been left out all day. So we eat and she decides to hit the bathroom for what I wish was to snort coke so this experience could be more enjoyable but then I realized she actually had a great time. Now I have to prevent myself from ever seeing this girl again. Yet she thought I was funny, outgoing and I'm convinced that given the chance, she'd love to do it again. So I'm thinking how the fuck do I give her the message that I never want to see her again, make sure she doesn't tell her mom, and thus my mom wouldn't know shit. In my head I'm having a conversation with myself that goes something like this: "Tell her your a rapist...no, tell her you are a virgin...no she'd like that, tell her you shoot heroin...no"

After thinking of numerous excuses I finally found one that would do just great. We get back to the car and it's time for Miss. Ford Fiesta to drop me home. As we approach my house I put on my best Roger Clemens impression (lying for you slow readers) The excuse went like this: "Melanie I had a really great time with you today, however, last week I was at a bar and this girl accused me of being bi-sexual, I've been thinking lately that I may just be bi-sexual and it's something I am considering acting upon, no homo" I swear on everything I love I told the girl " I think I'm bisexual, no homo" She'll be too ashamed to tell her mom and if she does tell her mom then her mom won't dare tell my mom and it's a win-win. Fuck the federal bailout plan, today I've learned a valuable lesson. When you are in a tight situation and you need to be let go, just tell people you're a faggot, it works.

Recapping the night: Now I'm convinced karma is fucking with me. Karma, eat my fat cock. Through the first 4.5 innings, 7 runs were scored in the Yankee game. After that...zero. Joba who blows fucking harder than Montana Fishburne went out today and looked like Satchel Paige. For fuck sakes Brazil almost beat USA in basketball and suddenly they are down 17 points at the half to fucking Slovenia. I don't even know where the fuck Slovenia is. Fuck.

Basketball:

$400 Brazil -3 (L)
Baseball:
$300 Cards +102 (L)
$300 Phillies -105= Return of $585.71 (W)
$300 White Sox -134= Return of $523.88  (W)
$200 Jays/Rays over 7.5 +100 (L)
$200 Angels +110= Return of $420 (W)
Play of the Day:
$600 Yankees/As over 9 -115 (L)

Total Wagered: $2300
Total Returned: $1529.59
Total Loss: $770.41
Total Earned to Date: $1284.74

Contact Info: BustaBusta_2001@yahoo.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. Incase you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.