Everybody Has to Meet Tabule

It's impossible to write this blog and not get in trouble so fuck it, I'll be back in the doghouse tomorrow, it's like I fucking live there. When you're with an Italian and your in the doghouse it means no sex, angry ass faces and a consistent nagging but oh well.

So my girlfriend went missing for a few days, nah she is in the midst of exams (good luck tomorrow sweetness, hope you do well (see what I did there)) Anyways, a while ago she had introduced me to this Arab chick. You know the Taliban types who like to blow things up. So Arab girl who I kind of asked to marry me because she's rich as hell and hot. She also has that untouched box but she disappeared for a bit. Lately I been noticing her online more and more.

So you know I'm chilling, minding my business, reading the bible and drinking Kool-Aid jammers but last few days me and Arab girl, let's call her Tabule, been talking. Oh I forgot to mention, she had said yes to my marriage proposal, I don't fucking know why or want to know why but there's some box over in Dubai with my name on it and I'd like to keep things that way. But me and Tabule been talking more and more, just general shit about her 3 maids, her driver, Muslim and Talibans and shit. 

Anyway the more I get to know her, and I'm an extremely intuitive person as you know, I could tell deep down she's a really good person so naturally I surround myself with people like her, let's forget the fact she looks like Jessica Alba for a minute. So the last two days, girlfriend is studying for her exams and I'm doing the responsible thing, leaving her the fuck alone and finding substitute box. Today though, Tabule drops the L word. No warning or nothing. The convo went, "How's the Weather in Dubai?"...Tabule: " 41 degrees and oh by the way I love you, it's real hot." LMAO to y'all that might be weird, to me i can understand it. But y'all want to know something weird. Everytime I mention our marriage in Dubai she says weird ass arabic words. She does this sometimes because she probably has attention deficit disorder. She'll randomly add arabic sayings like masallah or inshallah or khara. I just thought she was semi autistic, I don't know what the fuck she's saying. 

So we're talking about our wedding which she planned in 2017 and she writes some arabic thing. I'm like okay, now you have to tell me what the fuck you're saying. She said whatever the hell she wrote meant " Hopefully." Blank fucking stare. Uh oh, what did I get myself into. So I'm like alright I'll be right back I'm going to make some lunch, she says yea she'll grab dinner too. I go upstairs and look for food and there ain't shit so I make a cheese sandwich and hop back down. She's online. I'm surprised so I ask her if she ate. "Oh ya, I had a turkey sandwich." How the fuck you make and eat a turkey sandwich in under 10 minutes, dead ass she blended that shit. Anyway I'm intrigued so we talk and talk and talk some more. It's now 6pm in Toronto, 2am in Dubai. I'm like okay I'm going to eat dinner, goodnight. I go upstairs and once again, because of the shit with my cousin there's no good food so I eat porridge and hit the treadmill for 30 mins. I come back after 7pm, so like 3:30ish am Dubai time. Tabule is still there. 

So now I'm thinking uh huh, this can't be real. Oh and somewhere between that time my girlfriend messaged me and Tabule got super quiet, shit was hilarious. Tabule didn't leave the computer until 5am Dubai time. And the entire time I'm throwing darts: " Can I smoke weed when we're married." "Can I get wasted when we're married." "Can I sneak bacon and shit and eat Popeyes all day." Yes. Yes. Yes. The only thing I have to do is to convert to Muslim. I even described my dump and by addiction to pissing in the shower. She started asking me about colleges in the states and prices. I told her why not Canada? I only brought up Canada because a rough look at the figures you're saving about 150 thousand. She got all happy and shit.  Now I want y'all to tell me this, if your parents were millionaires, and you had a multi million dollar home, 3 maids, a driver, a cook, and you lived in the richest country in the world, would your ass be at a computer and eating blended turkey sandwiches???

I mean I love my girlfriend and all but lately she been talking about becoming a manager at Burger King after her post-secondary education is up. She also been ran through by a bunch of dudes before I disinfected her. She also has a crazy ass brother who wants me dead and her mother scares the shit out me. She also lives in the country side where her entire town is 2 lanes and they have bait and tackle stores. She also says dumb shit like this crap is better than Leonard Cohen's version . And she listens to LMFAO and Drake. Meanwhile you got Tabule, whose parents are multimillionaires, they'd hook me up with a nice job. I'd live in a palace with maids and a virgin I get to bang nightly while listening to Taliban music. Smoking high grade imported weed and get wasted with rich white tourists. And I never have to worry about Tabule cheating because if she does she'd be publicly stoned in Taliban square. You tell me who to choose?

(I'm only kidding "Dickhad," I know you'll kill your biology exam tomorrow then you'll get on skype and dance to shitty Lil Wayne auto-tune music, this is for you: only you understand .)