The Conversation From Hell

Before I begin, today was an excellent day. I fucking assaulted that roulette table at Great Blue Heron casino. I was killing it so much other people hopped off and just started playing what I was playing, I had a good crowd too, shit was insane. I went with my old man so after we left I got him wasted and had to pull the car over every 10 mins so he could take a piss on the highway. Good times.

So I'm in a relationship and it's been a while since I actually gave a fuck about a relationship, I usually bail but this time around I'm trying to put the effort in. She's hot and shit but most importantly she supports and tolerates so much of my bullshit I try to give her something in return. Today though, there was no country for me. It all started when she asked me what I was doing this weekend. I told her how it was my mom's bday and my father's day so I'd just kick it with them, didn't get them anything but $20 in scratch lotteries each, they're simple people. So then she comes up with an idea, " why don't you decorate the living room with balloons for your mom." Now let me ask you, do I look like the type of dude to go out and buy shit like that?

So I say nah it's cool, then she says how about you give her one balloon and some streamers. I'm quietly observing her not taking any breaths or anything, in amazement. So I tell her I'll get her a flower. I ain't getting my mom no fucking flower but I just wanted to shut her up. She's going on and on about how I should stencil flowers on balloons. You know I have to give her credit, she'll have 99 good ideas then out of nowhere one like this where I'm thinking what the fuck. She would not shut up about the balloon, specifically helium. I don't even know where to find that shit. So I say yea I should but fuck I wasn't slick and she caught on. She immediately goes into her Italian mode: " Have you been paying attention to me? Repeat what I just said." I have a bomb ass memory and it ain't like she just said the same idea 1000x so I tell her exactly what she said thinking I'm in the clear. Then she says "Oh, you only know what I said because I said it 1000x." I'm thinking what do I got to do to get her to shut up. She asks me "are you going to use my ideas?" I'm trying not to lie these days so I think I'm slick and say "No babe not this year, maybe next but the fact that the thought came from you, it's amazing." She saw right through my bullshit, then it happened.

At that sudden point I realized she nags exactly like my mom, scary. She goes on a rant: " Oh it's okay you weren't talking the entire time, I'm never giving you an idea again." In my head I'm thinking, that's fine once you keep sucking dick the way you do, but I told her, truthfully I'll add: "I love most of your ideas but I ain't no arts and craft dude." She goes on and on about how I don't listen to her and shit. The thing y'all have to understand is, she ain't even taking breaths. I don't know how she's breathing man I'm in amazement it's why I was so quiet to begin with. I forgot how this convo ended but it was something like " fine, do what you want, you never have to listen to me." The moral of this story: if there was sports on the motherfucking tv, none of this would have happened. She also reads this so I'll be in the doghouse in the morning, the shit I do for y'all.....