"The Question"

Before I begin here's a pic for all y'all dudes out there who are horny as hell. A little Celebration for Canada Day (July 1st) and 4th of July. my girl in a hot ass pose. 

Man this relationship shit is fucked up. A few days ago my girl showed me this video: American Idol Dude . Here's the story, this dude was engaged to his girl, I think they got married and she got in a car accident. She couldn't walk and shit but dude stood by her and wrote that gay ass song (not slandering the situation just the song). Then my girl drops the bomb: "If that were us in 10 years I'd stay." 

What do I do niggas? I can't lie to her. If I tell her the truth she'll start crying and shit. I said fuck it maybe she'll understand. I was thinking maybe I should change the topic but she was kind of waiting for a response. I  gave her a scenario. If we got married, you got in a car crash and couldn't talk or move from the neck down, or had the brain of a child. I would take care of you no doubt but we'd get a divorce, I'd romantically explore with someone else and I'd want you to do the exact same. Uh oh, I unleashed the monster. Waterworks begin. "In sickness and in health" was her response. A relationship to me is a lot like driving a car. You got mapquest and you're trying to get to the destination. The destination being the box. You hit a few dead ends, you reverse and keep going. Niggas, I drove off a fucking cliff. She was not happy.

I thought about this from my real perspective. Lets say your 28 years old, just married, she gets into an accident and has the brain of a child, or can't move/talk. You going to jack off for the next 50+ years? Assuming she lives to the life expectancy of a normal individual. So now I know I pissed her off, but I told the truth. I would wipe her ass, wash her, dress her, spend time with her each night after work and pay for someone to check in on her during the day, but I'd get a divorce and have a wife and kids. Her response: " Okay fulfill your dreams just don't bring your wife around me." Yup niggas, my ass flew off that motherfucking cliff. I said how about I stay with you and get my dick sucked on occasion by a heaux or two. No dice. She ain't talk to me for like 2 days and there was never any sex, eventually we worked out this hypothetical situation out. 

Ever since that ride to hell, I been on a mission to fuck up every relationship. I asked my parents the same question. My mom said she'd stay no matter what. My dad said he'd stay for the time being but if she didn't die in 4-5 years he'd seek a divorce. LMAO dude's worse than me and my mom flipped on his black ass. So let me fuck up your relationships, y'all better hope you're on the same page with this. 

Scenario: You're 27 years old, just been married for 3 months. No kids. Your significant other gets into an accident and has a child-like brain. Or he/she can't move from the neck down and can't talk. What the fuck would you do?

Get used to your left hand for 50 years or divorce and seek the box? Not an easy question at all to answer.

I don't know if I'll be around this weekend, if I'm not have a safe/blessed Canada day to everyone celebrating. Nah fuck that nationalism bullshit, get wasted and don't get behind the wheel. I'm out, peace.

Some Tits For Parenting

Best picture ever and one of you will know why. Before I begin I want to thank y'all for the support from that bone marrow thing. A lot of people been hitting me up, telling me they're spreading the word and filling out the info necessary for the swabs, it's greatly appreciated but only the beginning. I was on the block today because I wanted to go get a Toonie Tuesday deal at Pablos which is a Caribbean takeout spot. A kid about 18 gets off the bus and tries to walk into the subdivision ( I don't know what a subdivision is but I heard someone say it so I assume it fits) in a pink Hollister shirt. These niggas made the kid take off the shirt then threw it in this big ass garbage bin lmao. Telling him not to even think of coming in here with that shit. Y'all wrong for that but shit was fucking hilarious. Here are some parenting tips from a dude who isn't a parent but had a few pregnancy scares: 

1) Don't Expect Teachers/Other Kids To Raise Your Kid

The reason this world is full of faggotry in 2011 is because of you lazy ass parents. Stop having teachers and shit raise your kids. Give them a motherfucking book, beat their ass when they act up. Take them out and reward there asses when they do good. The reason kids out here acting like faggots is because they being raised by some white ass teacher who wears Loafers and wears a robe and shit. Who the fuck wears a robe. Real niggas wear boxers and a tee, real chicks wear a tank top and boy shorts (the greatest look ever on a woman) 

2) Stop protecting your kid. 

When you protect your kid, you make them a pussy. Let them fight, let them do whatever the fuck they want but make sure they know the rules. I been hanging around drug dealers and fucked up people since I was 9 years old. My parents know this shit but they feel they instilled enough values in me to not fuck around. I got no criminal record and I graduated every motherfucking semester of high school with an 80 average and despite being fucked up, I did okay. Stop making your kids pussy, let them live but make sure they know the rules. (for example, I knew/know if my mom ever did/do caught/catch me smoking weed, my clothes will be out on the front lawn even at 22) I ain't stupid enough to get caught doing dumb shit and I take my spliffs selectively.

3) Don't Make Excuses

If your kid is a fuck up, then they are a fuck up. Stop blaming everyone for your kid being a fuck up. Beat their motherfucking ass when they fuck up. My cousin is 18 and a complete alcoholic. His parents blame his drinking on his friends. Ya, your son drinks a half bottle of vodka a day because his friends put a gun to his head. 

4) Don't Listen to Motherfuckin Society. 

Society is for the faggots. Them niggas tell you that you shouldn't shower twice a day and shit because it's bad for your skin. Fuck off. Society will ruin your motherfucking kid and have a 16 year old boy inside listening to Katy Perry instead of outside chasing pussy. Do whatever you think is right, stop reading books and shit about parenting and don't be afraid to beat their ass or tell them to fuck up. Don't be afraid to hug and kiss your kid either, trust me they appreciate it.

5) Don't think of your motherfucking self. 

Parents these days y'all think about your motherfucking self too much. Being a parent is a fucking sacrifice. Y'all out there watching Desperate Housewives and Dancing with the Stars when you should be beating your kid's ass or reading a book with the nigga. You gotta put your kids before yourself or you'll be a bad fucking parent and your kid will grow up to be a tour guide who fucks tourists on the side for $20 dollars in coins. 

Honorable Mention: 

Trust is everything. If you trust that you did a good job instilling values in your kid then you will never have to worry. Don't be their facebook friends and shit, that'll just piss em off and rebel and they'll do meth with punk rock kids and shit. 

Don't back down. Some of y'all scared of your kids then you get surprised when they fucked up. Teach em who the fuck is the boss by taking a belt to that ass when they want to fuck around.

Make sure they ain't faggots. No skinny jeans, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, snapback hats.

Your kid will grow up to be exactly like you. If you a heaux, your kid will be a heaux. If you a faggot, your kid will be a faggot. If you a good person, your kid will be a good person. Lead by motherfucking example and shit, stop thinking your kid will miraculously learn about life on their own, they wont. Some of y'all give up too easily on this shit and it's making your kid get stripped silly in the hood. Stop it. 

I'm out, peace.

White People Lost Again

Before I begin, I desperately need your help. My friend has a rare disorder and needs a bone marrow transplant. After doing research on this shit, the reason there is a lack of matches is because not many people donate, the awareness is terrible. Y'all could make a difference. It's real fucking easy too you don't even leave your house. Check out this site: www.onematch.ca 

Answer a bunch of gay ass questions like if you prostitute yourself or shoot heroin. Then they'll call you to make sure everything is all good, they send you a package. You swab your mouth with some shit and send it back. Well you do have to leave the house, to go to the mailbox. That's it. Your swab goes into some international collection thing and if you're a match, you'll be contacted. Person deserves to live, not even 20 years old yet, please consider it and spread the word. If you're a female and want a reward then I'll be happy to reward you by giving you an unlimited supply of cum. Thanks y'all, the key thing is awareness so please think about it, you just gotta be between the ages of 17-65. 

I was writing today but my television was on A & E. I never really focus on tv when I'm writing I just like it to be on but I had to stop what I was doing to check this shit out. These white people got kids and shit and they got rats and dead cats and dirty dishes from 1972. Then the psychiatrist is categorizing this shit as a chemical imbalance. Nah white people stop giving excuses to this shit. These folks are sitting at a table right now talking about how they were raised in a strict household and they were disciplined everyday and that's the reason they are living in this hoarding ass mess. 

Nigga please you living in filth because y'all are fucking lazy. I don't want to hear about a chemical imbalance or childhood issues to justify why the fuck you got 9239298229 dirty ass dolls and shit in your living room. Now the white dude is stunned. Fuck it I'm taking a picture of his face (no homo) picture of dude justifying his filth. White people what the fuck is wrong with you. When something gets old you throw it the fuck out. I'm watching all these people cry and pin this shit on their childhood when in fact they are too lazy to walk their ass to the big ass blue bin outside.

Stop being so fucking lazy, hoarders ain't a disease, it's called " my fat ass don't want to get up and go to the garbage so I'll just leave it here and accumulate crap for 35 years because life sucks and I can't see my own dick." We're in 2011 and you got people doing dumb shit like that. People out here not taking showers and eat off the same plates that their dog licks but they have perfectly fine jobs where as a dude like me has to lie like hell on my resume but my place is perfectly clean. White people y'all need to stop fucking up, make the world a better place, throw your fucking crap out and stop being so fucking lazy, y'all making fine ass white girls look bad. I'm out.

No blog Today

Busy and I'll get back when I get back. Salute to my boy MK, 4.5 years of some great shit. This blog shit isn't easy, I can relate to everything dude said. I might be off for a few days we'll see.

Somwhere Between Drunk and Hung Over

That's exactly how I look right now. Fucking went to the pub with my cousin and some dude won 20 grand in the lottery. He told me if I could down 8 shots of Jager in 3 minutes he'll give me $100, if I can't then I gotta pay for them. I smashed 6 of them, those last 2 were hell but I got them down, no puking.

I feel like shit though who the fuck gets smashed at 4pm anymore, worst feeling in the world. The funny shit is, my cousin and I decided to settle some issues with some folks seeing as how we were wasted and everything was fine until death threats started being rolled out. Ain't shit get solved lmao.

I'd like to thank the person who introduced me to a fine ass chick, then like 2 weeks later I find out she's born in 1994. Today I'm like: " So you were like 6 months when Life After Death came out." She's like " What's Life After Death?" B.I.G.'s fucking CD. Then she proceeded to tell me how Britney Spears' debut album was better. I swear on my fucking life that's how the conversation went. Nigga please. My brother was born in 1995 and he a faggot, I ain't trying to go to jail. You know your life is shit when you have to count the months to figure out if she's the age of consent or not. This is what my life has become, aw well fuck it I'm going to do like my boy " sometimes I get boners to Rebecca Black, it isn't  my fault, it's society's." LMAO 

I pissed off my friend's girl today too. She was cold so I gave her my hoody and she finds $5 in it. So she told me but I said send it when you pass me back my hoody. So she asks if she could have the hoody for the night because it got cold and I'm like sure just send me the $5 back. In her eyes she feels that I felt she was going to take the $5. When in fact, I WAS FUCKING HAMMERED AND WANTED A FUCKING $4.99 MEDIUM PEPPERONI PIZZA FROM PIZZA-PIZZA. FOR FUCK SAKES YOU'RE AMATEUR. See the shit I have to put up with on a daily basis. No heaux, I didn't think you'd take the 5, I just wanted the bill because I didn't have money on me and I wanted a motherfucking pizza.

As I'm typing this blog it just gets worse. My friend sent me a picture of her and Shannon. I don't know who Shannon is and I can't open up the picture because I received it on my phone and I don't got data and shit. So I text her " Shannon better be hot." WHO FUCKING KNEW SHANNON WOULD BE 12 years old. Y'all have to warn me with shit like that smh. 

I just had a brilliant idea. I want to go to Dubai, not for the girl actually but the shit that girl shows me in Dubai I'm fucking missing out. But I'm a broke fuck so you know what I want to do. I want to get off the plane and go to them rich ass hotels and be like " GIVE ME A SUPER 8 MOTEL NOWWWWWWWWW" fuck am I the only one who finds that funny as hell.

I'm going to jack off to Shannon Tweed, later.

Random Ass Thoughts

-The hairline struggle just keeps getting worse and worse. That's a good ass pic too minus that bum ass shower curtain. No one uses it anyway. 

-Today I asked Tabule what she was wearing and she responded with some Arabic thing again. She was adamant that I should not translate it, after 14 hours I found out she said: " He's so nasty. Such a jackass who instead of asking me serious questions, wants me to go away. But I won't leave because I love him" Reasons like that is why I stopped complaining about my life a lot time ago and started embracing it all. 

 -I haven't been following the trial at all but if there's one thing my intuition tells me is that Casey Anthony is not guilty. I find myself rooting for her even though I don't want to. She might have killed her child, fine, but it wasn't her intention. At best she's screwed up and needs an in-depth psychiatric assessment. You could see the bleeding heart in her face. But of course she'll be found guilty and get 102 years or some shit.

-Fucking National Hockey League just ended, why the fuck is it still being talked about on tv. Mock drafts? Really? If I live in Canada by 2018 then I'll be the biggest homo to ever live. 

-Best thing someone said to me today: "Selena Gomez gives me a boner, and im suppose to feel wrong about that? Same with rebecca black. im not the problem, society is."

-I'm starting to think that materialism isn't the driving force for humans, it's fabricated self-value. Think about it for a minute, almost everything anyone ever does anymore is to raise their own value. Social media is a great way of letting us think we know what we're worth. Almost everything positive is done in the eyes of someone else for some sort of gratification while the faults are masked or blamed on something externally. When last you heard somebody say "I'm a fuck up." Today I was sitting on the stoop and home boy came up to me told me how for 2 years he been addicted to oxycotton and cocaine. 6 months clean and he admitted to being the biggest fuck up. The fact that he didn't fabricate his self-value was probably one of the reasons he managed to make it past rehab. Call a spade a spade and shit gets done.....

-People who use motivational quotes to get by on life are the biggest faggots the world has ever seen.

-You think Michelle Obama takes it in the face? I mean think about it dude's the president of the United States. On one hand he should just be able to whip it out and bust all over her. On the other hand, she just doesn't seem the type to willingly take it in the face, I'm conflicted.

 -Think about every single problem you have at the moment that has nothing to do with natural causes/illnesses. Think about it some more. Now some more. You probably won't ever admit it but I could almost guarantee you are the main reason for every single problem in you life. It'd take a year to explain that one. 

-I'm convinced every single person in this world, not every but the majority of the world are actors playing a designed role they want to be perceived in, specific roles. (sympathy, horror, comedic, drama etc.) After a while these roles start to define who they are. For example, my cousin's wife is fake as hell but I watch her over and over and over. She displays these qualities of innocence and happiness but she's such a bad actor you see right through her bullshit and straight to the manipulator she is. After a while I'm starting to believe she blended in her role and that's really who she is, something external without morality.....fuckin scary.

-No one will ever love you in this world if you don't love fried chicken and fries.

Alright I'm done with this Buddhist shit, was in the mood for it tho lmao, back either tomorrow or Monday. Peace.

Everybody Has to Meet Tabule

It's impossible to write this blog and not get in trouble so fuck it, I'll be back in the doghouse tomorrow, it's like I fucking live there. When you're with an Italian and your in the doghouse it means no sex, angry ass faces and a consistent nagging but oh well.

So my girlfriend went missing for a few days, nah she is in the midst of exams (good luck tomorrow sweetness, hope you do well (see what I did there)) Anyways, a while ago she had introduced me to this Arab chick. You know the Taliban types who like to blow things up. So Arab girl who I kind of asked to marry me because she's rich as hell and hot. She also has that untouched box but she disappeared for a bit. Lately I been noticing her online more and more.

So you know I'm chilling, minding my business, reading the bible and drinking Kool-Aid jammers but last few days me and Arab girl, let's call her Tabule, been talking. Oh I forgot to mention, she had said yes to my marriage proposal, I don't fucking know why or want to know why but there's some box over in Dubai with my name on it and I'd like to keep things that way. But me and Tabule been talking more and more, just general shit about her 3 maids, her driver, Muslim and Talibans and shit. 

Anyway the more I get to know her, and I'm an extremely intuitive person as you know, I could tell deep down she's a really good person so naturally I surround myself with people like her, let's forget the fact she looks like Jessica Alba for a minute. So the last two days, girlfriend is studying for her exams and I'm doing the responsible thing, leaving her the fuck alone and finding substitute box. Today though, Tabule drops the L word. No warning or nothing. The convo went, "How's the Weather in Dubai?"...Tabule: " 41 degrees and oh by the way I love you, it's real hot." LMAO to y'all that might be weird, to me i can understand it. But y'all want to know something weird. Everytime I mention our marriage in Dubai she says weird ass arabic words. She does this sometimes because she probably has attention deficit disorder. She'll randomly add arabic sayings like masallah or inshallah or khara. I just thought she was semi autistic, I don't know what the fuck she's saying. 

So we're talking about our wedding which she planned in 2017 and she writes some arabic thing. I'm like okay, now you have to tell me what the fuck you're saying. She said whatever the hell she wrote meant " Hopefully." Blank fucking stare. Uh oh, what did I get myself into. So I'm like alright I'll be right back I'm going to make some lunch, she says yea she'll grab dinner too. I go upstairs and look for food and there ain't shit so I make a cheese sandwich and hop back down. She's online. I'm surprised so I ask her if she ate. "Oh ya, I had a turkey sandwich." How the fuck you make and eat a turkey sandwich in under 10 minutes, dead ass she blended that shit. Anyway I'm intrigued so we talk and talk and talk some more. It's now 6pm in Toronto, 2am in Dubai. I'm like okay I'm going to eat dinner, goodnight. I go upstairs and once again, because of the shit with my cousin there's no good food so I eat porridge and hit the treadmill for 30 mins. I come back after 7pm, so like 3:30ish am Dubai time. Tabule is still there. 

So now I'm thinking uh huh, this can't be real. Oh and somewhere between that time my girlfriend messaged me and Tabule got super quiet, shit was hilarious. Tabule didn't leave the computer until 5am Dubai time. And the entire time I'm throwing darts: " Can I smoke weed when we're married." "Can I get wasted when we're married." "Can I sneak bacon and shit and eat Popeyes all day." Yes. Yes. Yes. The only thing I have to do is to convert to Muslim. I even described my dump and by addiction to pissing in the shower. She started asking me about colleges in the states and prices. I told her why not Canada? I only brought up Canada because a rough look at the figures you're saving about 150 thousand. She got all happy and shit.  Now I want y'all to tell me this, if your parents were millionaires, and you had a multi million dollar home, 3 maids, a driver, a cook, and you lived in the richest country in the world, would your ass be at a computer and eating blended turkey sandwiches???

I mean I love my girlfriend and all but lately she been talking about becoming a manager at Burger King after her post-secondary education is up. She also been ran through by a bunch of dudes before I disinfected her. She also has a crazy ass brother who wants me dead and her mother scares the shit out me. She also lives in the country side where her entire town is 2 lanes and they have bait and tackle stores. She also says dumb shit like this crap is better than Leonard Cohen's version . And she listens to LMFAO and Drake. Meanwhile you got Tabule, whose parents are multimillionaires, they'd hook me up with a nice job. I'd live in a palace with maids and a virgin I get to bang nightly while listening to Taliban music. Smoking high grade imported weed and get wasted with rich white tourists. And I never have to worry about Tabule cheating because if she does she'd be publicly stoned in Taliban square. You tell me who to choose?

(I'm only kidding "Dickhad," I know you'll kill your biology exam tomorrow then you'll get on skype and dance to shitty Lil Wayne auto-tune music, this is for you: only you understand .)

Bringing The Fuck You Back

Haven't done this in a while but it used to feel good when I did it, let's give it a try. Hold on going to play Alice Cooper it makes the mood right.

Fuck this motherfucking headache. Fuck insomnia. Fuck the State Farm Insurance Hospital Waiting Room I've been in the last month, who the fuck sells rights to the waiting room of a waiting room. Fuck the shitty ass ground beef I made, tasted like fucking ass. Fuck Piers Morgan cause I hate his fucking British face on my motherfucking tv. Fuck Spain cause I hate y'all fucking faggots. Fuck Messi because he's a dick sucking faggot. Fuck Howie Mandell, I have no real reason to hate him but he just seems like a fucking jackoff. Fuck blurry ass webcams. Fuck salads, I'm starting to get tired of that shit I want a motherfucking Crispy Chicken Sandwich from KFC. The Big Fucking Crunch. Fuck hand sanitizer, that shit shit is a scam. Fuck the nigga who sang that song "Lean On Me." Bullshit ass perception of the world that is more unrealistic than Perez Hilton getting pussy.

Fuck television, there ain't shit on it anymore. Fuck Drake. Fuck people who listen to drake. Fuck organ failure. Fuck breast cancer, what the fuck did titties ever do to cancer? Who the fuck attacks titties anyway. Fuck panzarottis and shit, real niggas eat motherfucking pizza. Fuck Taco Bell for telling us they have hot sauce, that shit ain't hot. Fuck hockey. Fuck the NBA draft, only virgins and pedophiles watch that shit. Fuck this NFL lockout bullshit. Fuck H. Corrina you dumb stupid piece of shit. Fuck people who talk a lot but say a whole lot of nothing. Fuck anything that is fucking grilled. Fuck Della Reese. Fuck them white people on The View and anyone who watches The View. Fuck that Big Bang Theory show, that shit ain't good at all. Fuck Season 2 of the Wire, though season 1 was on point. Fuck the motherfucking string beans I ate two days ago that gave me the worst diarrhea of my life. Fuck Ryan Dunn, if your ass was smart enough to sit in the fucking car or call a taxi you'd still be alive. 

Fuck people who have never jacked off to Saved by the Bell. Fuck chicken nuggets, that shit tastes like ass. Fuck Alex Trebek, you always been a fucking faggot. Fuck Megavideo for cutting off every fucking thing I want to watch after 72 minutes. Fuck taxes. Fuck people who Iron their clothes. Fuck people who don't eat stuff off the ground when they drop it and actually throw it away. Fuck Family Guy, that shit is hit and miss. Fuck American Dad, that shit is miss. Fuck Pitbull, none of your shit is good and you're a fucking faggot. Fuck people who invite you over and you thinking you getting a good ass meal and they role out fucking "whore-derves" (I know it ain't spell that way but I don't give a fuck.) Fuck them niggas who made Napoleon Dynamite, that shit ain't funny at all. Fuck the coffee pot because I don't know how to use it. Fuck the toaster oven because no matter what setting I put it on my shit always ends up burnt.

Fuck people who buy their kids Easy Bake ovens. Your kids will grow up to be prostitutes and feet models. Fuck the motherfucking recycle bin for being too full and leaving me with empty water bottles everywhere. Fuck my tv and internet for just crashing because of some fucking storm. Fuck that Rosanne show from back in the Day, shit was never funny. Fuck the neighbors from that show Married with Children. I fucking hated them. Fuck Grover from Sesame street, your actions were always a bit suspect. Fuck Kelsey Grammar, I fucking hate you and I don't know why. Lastly, once again, fuck this headache/insomnia/aids.

Feel free to add, I'm going to go and do Yoga the first thing in the morning and try to kick this shit, peace. 

JJ's Back -The First Day of Summer

Fuck it I'm back. For the last month I been dealing with some bullshit and today I realized I'm done with it. I'm going back to being me, which is scary for some of y'all. What a fucked up week. I seen the doctor pull the plug on my cousin, then a fucking brawl in the waiting room and the doctor plug that shit back on. I went to NXNE twice and had to console a grown ass man who cried about his lost wristband. I partied with them Peruvian girls and shit, no slander there, they were good people. We met that fucked up chink on the bus and then there's the two girls from London who I don't even want to get into, those heauxs were the dumbest people I ever met. She really thought if she pulled the yellow string on the bus that alerts the bus driver to stop at the next stop, she would be pulling the brakes. But you want to hear some fucked up shit, I haven't said the name itself Ryan Dunn in about 5 years. On Sunday, me and my boy saw a dude who looked exactly like Ryan Dunn and we said his name like 5x each. On Monday the dude dies. Fucked up. 

But I don't want to talk about all that shit, I'm back and the picks will start once college football starts up again. It's the first day of motherfucking summer and I'm motherfucking back in full force. My guide to the summer is here, some of you need to follow this advice: 

-Adele needs to get her fat ass the fuck off the stage. Adele says the exact same thing 10000 different ways. No one cares about your fat ass getting cheated on heaux. From now on it's Frank Ocean, fuck Adele. 

-It's summertime which means these girls been rawing all winter. How do you still bang a heaux who let 30 dudes get inside before you this winter? It's easy. Y'all need some mixture, some Febreeze, some listerine and this shit: the cure to aids. Y'all gotta mix that shit together and let her shower with it before you hit it. That shit will kill all the diseases and make the box look like new again. I talked to someone today who wanted to be disinfected, like she was offended because I thought she was clean.

-Stop saying I'm cute. For whatever reason over the last 2 weeks I've become aware of how many people say I'm cute. I once puked my ass off all over my friend Kitty's Ralph Lauren towels and the next day she sent me an email saying: " We have to hang again this summer, you are too cute." I didn't even clean the puke up, I was too wasted. I'm not cute, I punch babies in their face and ask Jewish people what's the right temperature to set the oven when trying to bake shit.

-If you wear a sweater/track pants to a skype session, we done. Shorty got on skype in track pants and a lime green shirt. Then she realized it was kind of wack so she put on top that resembled the shit Jennifer Beals wore in Flashdance in like 1983. Then she was on her bed and proceeded to show me her teddy bear/monkey collection. If only y'all knew how real the skype struggle was. 

-If you use the word "Swag" then your mother had sex with the school janitor and your best friend when you were in highschool. She went ass to mouth as well. 

- LMFAO the band is for the fags. I'm proud of the people who don't suggest their shit to me, you know who you are.

-I'm coming to Hamilton this summer, I don't know the exact date but I'll be at Ivor Wynne. Hamilton come fuck with me, I'll let y'all know closer to the date.

I'm out, peace.

No blog, family shit but have this

Me killing Tiger Woods:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKBmh_lcWwA

No blog

I want to blog but been partying since Thursday, and I haven't gotten drunk yet fml. Will blog tomorrow, hopefully.

The Conversation From Hell

Before I begin, today was an excellent day. I fucking assaulted that roulette table at Great Blue Heron casino. I was killing it so much other people hopped off and just started playing what I was playing, I had a good crowd too, shit was insane. I went with my old man so after we left I got him wasted and had to pull the car over every 10 mins so he could take a piss on the highway. Good times.

So I'm in a relationship and it's been a while since I actually gave a fuck about a relationship, I usually bail but this time around I'm trying to put the effort in. She's hot and shit but most importantly she supports and tolerates so much of my bullshit I try to give her something in return. Today though, there was no country for me. It all started when she asked me what I was doing this weekend. I told her how it was my mom's bday and my father's day so I'd just kick it with them, didn't get them anything but $20 in scratch lotteries each, they're simple people. So then she comes up with an idea, " why don't you decorate the living room with balloons for your mom." Now let me ask you, do I look like the type of dude to go out and buy shit like that?

So I say nah it's cool, then she says how about you give her one balloon and some streamers. I'm quietly observing her not taking any breaths or anything, in amazement. So I tell her I'll get her a flower. I ain't getting my mom no fucking flower but I just wanted to shut her up. She's going on and on about how I should stencil flowers on balloons. You know I have to give her credit, she'll have 99 good ideas then out of nowhere one like this where I'm thinking what the fuck. She would not shut up about the balloon, specifically helium. I don't even know where to find that shit. So I say yea I should but fuck I wasn't slick and she caught on. She immediately goes into her Italian mode: " Have you been paying attention to me? Repeat what I just said." I have a bomb ass memory and it ain't like she just said the same idea 1000x so I tell her exactly what she said thinking I'm in the clear. Then she says "Oh, you only know what I said because I said it 1000x." I'm thinking what do I got to do to get her to shut up. She asks me "are you going to use my ideas?" I'm trying not to lie these days so I think I'm slick and say "No babe not this year, maybe next but the fact that the thought came from you, it's amazing." She saw right through my bullshit, then it happened.

At that sudden point I realized she nags exactly like my mom, scary. She goes on a rant: " Oh it's okay you weren't talking the entire time, I'm never giving you an idea again." In my head I'm thinking, that's fine once you keep sucking dick the way you do, but I told her, truthfully I'll add: "I love most of your ideas but I ain't no arts and craft dude." She goes on and on about how I don't listen to her and shit. The thing y'all have to understand is, she ain't even taking breaths. I don't know how she's breathing man I'm in amazement it's why I was so quiet to begin with. I forgot how this convo ended but it was something like " fine, do what you want, you never have to listen to me." The moral of this story: if there was sports on the motherfucking tv, none of this would have happened. She also reads this so I'll be in the doghouse in the morning, the shit I do for y'all.....

KKK Rally Continues-NXNE

Check out this funny ass pic: funny pic
 
Today I ended up at the North by Northeast musical festival. The reason I went because my boy was coming from Hamilton and I really wanted to see him. I'm pretty much scarred for life. I ended up in a Mosh Pit when Fucked Up (band and the lead dude is in today's pic) had their set. I don't get the whole punk rock thing and I only made out three words during the entire festival from the bands but shit what an experience. I had people coming up to me asking me for acid and ecstasy. I left the Mosh Pit and there were brown stains all over my hoodie. You could assume they were grass stains except the venue was on fucking concrete, Dundas Square so who knows what the fuck shit is. 

Where to begin, I'm kind of deaf right now. My buddy and I ended up debating the whole drunken convo we had last week where he said fuck all his friends and he did it again, he also dissed the hot one I told the fucker to cut that shit out, she deserves no slander. Except he will never say "Fuck Miss. Piggy" though he made a good point today. Then my other buddy gets so fucking wasted I had to hold his hand to take him to the washroom. He kissed an 80 year old tourist on her hand, danced with a 70 year old, then tried to hold the hand of an 18 year old. The guy was a fucking wreck too he made us leave the pub early so he could see "Kieth Morris and OFF" and by the time we got there he was so wasted he kept crying THE ENTIRE FUCKING NIGHT about how his friends abandoned him. 

Then my other friend, runs into his friend who is also shitfaced and crying because his lost his 5 day all access wristband which he paid $60 for and smashed his $400 glasses. I got to the event at 8pm and left around midnight, I listened to these two motherfuckers cry about shit for 4 fucking hours while watching white people with face tats start mosh pits and scream things that made no sense. One of the bands came out and dude was talking about how he was accused of being a child molester in Vietnam but he isn't he's just a jerk. Then the crowd screamed. All the while I'm thinking what the fuck. There must have been 2000 people out there and I seen three negroes and one of them was a black dude who is trying to be white, fucked up shit. All in all though it wasn't a bad experience when you take away the crack whores, trannies, fucked up music, crying ass friends, shitty public transportation and the two shitty pints I had, it was a good night haha.

Edit

I wrote that blog around 11 when those drunk dudes pushed down newspaper boxers, they now killing people and breaking in department stores to steal Khloe Kardashian's cologne. Those people are fucked and I ain't condoning that shit, fuck the riot.

The KKK Experience

So I come in the house and my mom knows now I'm a sportswriter so she thinks she's slick. She says " I know 100% the Canucks are going to win tonight." I asked her why do you think that, actually before I asked her, I had this hole in my boxers where my dick is. So I'm like mom check this hole and my dick was hanging out and she's like "ewwwwwwww, you have no shame." Anyways she told me the Vancouver Canucks were going to win because she's rooting for them because they're Canadian. I'm thinking what the fuck, so we put $20 on it.

Of course the Canucks got decimated 0-4 and I got paid. But that ain't what I want to talk about. Few things I noticed about this KKK Rally, this nationalism bullshit has to end. You got Don Cherry on there talking about "no other sport does this. It's Game 7. Tickets are going for 15 grand." Nigga sit your old white ass the fuck down. It's like the dude never heard about NBA, NFL, MLB. Then he's riding the dick of every Canadian person and shit I started feeling sick. This sport fucking sucks too. You got a bunch of white niggas chasing a puck and shit. It takes a lot of skill to do that shit but so does golf. I just don't see the fun in it. I couldn't play that shit. One of those white boys takes a shot to my head and I'm beating his ass relentlessly with my stick (no homo). I watched it cause I got to bond with the family but in all reality that shit was about as fun as Father's Day at a black home.

Then there was the aftermath. Those Vancouver cats like to get drunk and high and riot because they lost. I semi-understand it. While intoxicated there is nothing more exhilarating than breaking shit and setting shit on fire (so long as no one gets hurt) but in typical Canada fashion the media decides to act like it's September 11th. "It will take years to reverse this reputation for Vancouver following the rioting," WHO GIVES A FUCK. Vancouver is filled with fucking nasty chinks, Pakis, and white kids whose mothers got fucked by 4 homeless men at the same time during Woodstock. Who really gives a fuck about those people? Those folks out there listen to Lenny Kravitz and then sniff paint and do acid, you cares if they're breaking shit and setting stuff on fire. But you know, it's a national travesty. People need to shut the fuck up, get some pussy and eat some chinese food with plenty msg. (no disrespect Chad, Leeland or anyone out in Van City lmao hope y'all are safe)


I'm out , peace.

Things I've Learned During The Past Week

- People die more from being attacked by goats than they do from sharks and apparently sharks are harmless and fun to swim with...ya y'all motherfuckers go do that if you want.

-Never hold drunk conversations with someone on a real topic then try to revisit the topic while sober,you'll end up looking like an idiot lmao.

-When a girl tells me "I'm pregnant." The first thing that comes to my mind is "Yes, I didn't hit it so it can't be mine."

-Don't watch Boyz N' The Hood with white people, I think I scarred that person for life.

-When your significant other says " I don't mind " she really means " no fucking way." I forgot about that one lmao.

-I'm convinced there's nothing better in this world than hearing the words "I love you." No money, pussy, or fame could ever amount to the fulfillment those 3 words bring. To anyone who fucks with me or the blog, I love you, you fucking faggots. No homo.

- The show "The Wire" is fucking overrated.

- I watched a movie this week that starred Hilary Duff, don't ask fml.

-I frequently jacked off to this lady who only has one leg. Not sure how I feel about this, for weeks I only saw her behind the counter. Then my boy tells me she got one leg. I'm thinking nah it can't be, then I seen her again. Fuck man it's dry season out here.

- Frank Ocean is better than Adele, by miles.

- Don't trust flu medication that says it will make you "drowsy." It won't put you to fucking bed, it'll keep you up and you'll end up watching gay ass movies and jacking off to Nina Hartley.

I'm out, peace.

Taking today off so Y'all could watch this

I'll be back tomorrow:

Need A New Queen

This all started in the morning, my boy hit me up asking me if I wrote Drake's new song. I don't listen to that faggot but I wanted to see what Drake said that was so similar to the shit I say. So I click on the song "Marvin's Room" for any of you faggots that want to know and there was that line I use so frequently. "I'm just saying, you could do better." Once this song got out, especially on twitter, men everywhere were scared shitless. We all used that line and chances are someone was going to use it on our queens. I know people who went out, bought flowers, stayed in and watched the Women's channel over the basketball game, shit like that, it's serious in Scarborough when you hear the words "I'm just saying, you could do better." Chances are someone is saying it to your Queen right now. 

So it was impossible to see my Queen today but I thought I'd do something nice. She's always talking about the movie "A Walk to Remember" and I never heard about it but I thought today, before the game would be a good time to watch it with her. So I'm watching this shit with shorty and I'm just counting the fucking seconds til it's over. Shit is fucking terrible and I'm dying. I'm literally counting each second til the bar hits the 1:41:36 mark. However, a motherfucking hour into the movie shit starts to get real. Mandy Moore gets leukemia and shit is going down. Now I'm fucking hooked on this faggot shit wondering what happenes next. But I was 39 minutes late for something and I had to bounce, I told her to pause it and I'll be back later so we could watch it. I go and do the shit I had to do, then I motherfucking run my black ass to Subway, pick up a 12 inch chicken teriyaki  and I run my ass home. All in all it took about 50 minutes so I'm waiting for her to hit me up so we could watch the end because I'm real interested. One hour passes, then another, then another, then another. 

I'm DYING to click the link and just watch the last 25 minutes or so but I can't, it would be too high on the levels of faggotry. Finally I decide to take the loss and go out to get some peanuts from the Bodega because I was starving. I come back and see a message "I'm going to sleep, take care." Guess what niggas, I clicked the motherfucking link. A nigga sat there and pressed play and watched Mandy Moore die of leukemia after getting married to the dude. Now, I ain't going to lie it was gay and all but shit was sad as hell. She just died after dude married her and he is going to med school and has to carry that burden for the rest of his life. Similarly to me, I got to live with myself knowing I clicked play on such a gay movie. Watched the ending by myself, all sad and shit. Yea, clearly I need a new Queen. You should know the drill by now but here's what I need for a new bird: 

1) Must be white, I ain't making no exceptions unless you got 7 figures in your savings account.

2) Today a girl told me she spends $300 on highlights and a fucking haircut. Nigga, I could cut my Queen's hair and shit. My Queen better recognize that if she spends $300 on a haircut, I'm showing her the door, I don't care if she's a millionare. I've stretched $300 in NYC + LA + ever since I got back. No one is spending $300 on their hair unless it comes with a stripper who blows me while she cuts your hair. 

3) The old Queen used to cum and keep going, that's an asset but not required.

4) Must earn more than me. I don't give a fuck if this is wrong and I could find love in the Welfare line, the one for me is one who earns more than me, or she comes from a rich family. Economic dependence means the world to me, though I won't abuse it.

5) Threesome friendly, an asset though not required, and if she says fine "another man" she's going to end up like this bird and "fall" : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EfxoM50hlE&feature=related

6) She has to put up with drunk texting at least once a week, specifically the "I don't love you anymore" and the "I want to break up" messages she'll receive at 3am every Sunday, which are almost guaranteed.

7) She must know these lyrics, no exceptions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ITLNzPoEqs

8) Web cam is a must and a working webcam. Not going to tolerate: "I have a webcam but it's for MAC and I got Windows"

9) Must be willing to go during that time of the month once it's light. If you think this dick is going to take a week of inactivity just because you got a little blood you're not the one for me. 

10) She has to sing this, like the old one did: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

Fuck, my ass will be in the dog house once I wake up. Don't worry baby, I love you, hypothetically. Peace.

no blog today

too busy with other shit, hope to be back tomorrow, peace.

Putting You Old Ass People Onto the Internet Game.

You see shit like Brett Favre getting his shit leaked, or that politician Weiner dude, then I someone a while back sent me what they send to other people as cyber sex and I'm thinking what the fuck. Here's the problem, a lot of you older folks born before 1975 didn't have computers and shit. Y'all grew up watching the Jetsons and Threes Company and you're bringing those bum ass techniques into this new media world. It doesn't work like that, people out here grew up on type writers and shit and are applying those techniques to this modern sex game. Let me help y'all out.

1) When Taking Dick/Pussy Pictures 

The fuck was Brett Favre doing, he sent a pic of limp ass cock to some bird (no homo). Then there's Weiner who didn't even send his weiner, just some bulging crap to some chick. The fuck is wrong with some of y'all. For starters, don't accentuate shit. Work with what you have, if you have a small dick (no homo) then live with it. Send it anyway and hope she loves you. Don't be using the zoom button and shit, you're only going to make yourself look like a fool. Ladies no freaky faces, no weird poses, natural is best. Lighting is everything when it comes to these private pics, bright lighting is everything. Once again no fucking poses or weird facial expressions, go natural and you'll get whatever your seeking.

2) The Cyber Game

No fucking big words, the point of the whole fucking thing is to make the person quickly cum, or envision you when they are writing. If you use words like "transcendent" then you're essentially about as evil as a dude who kicks homeless people. Also, don't talk about yourself when doing it, talk about others. Here's a sample (smh don't kill me we're helping others): "id open my mouth wide and take in every inch of your juicy cock, slowly working all of it in. id take in inch by inch until your entire dick was down my throat. then id stick my tongue out and lick your balls, id back away until your dick was in front of my  face and then id give you the biggest smile while i look into your eyes" See what she did, nothing about her body, when doing the cyber thing, think of yourself as a servant, the whole point of the exercise is to make the other person envision you when you're not there. By you using big ass words, talking about your big boobs or playing with your pussy, you ain't doing shit.

3) Skype

Be creative, think about something you could give that porn can't. The whole personal effect. Say names, do sexy dances, even if you ain't a dancer dude will appreciate it. Make it your own, grab a coke bottle and suck the shit out of it. You going on there and simply playing with your pussy is something that any pornstar could do and a whole lot more. Make it personal, scream and shout, get into it and you will have him coming back for more.

4) Only Do It With Someone You Trust.

If there's any doubt in your mind that this person could use this shit against you, then don't fucking send it cause chances are once shit goes sour they will. Some bitch ass people show their friends, upload it on the internet, will show your friends or use it against you in court LMAO. Don't let that person be you, only do this type of shit with someone you love and trust. Nowadays you just can't be doing this shit with everyone. They will fuck you over. If your game is really week they'll fuck you over too, so take what I said and make it work for you. If you're one of those people who have never done skype, sexy texts/cyber, or naked pics even to your wife then that shit won't last forever and she's eventually going to run off with a mini school bus driver. If you never gave this shit to your husband then rest assured, he's fucking the female courier who wears the ugly colored hat and has a sportswatch.

I'm out peace.

Random Ass Shit

-If you ain't getting picks and shit anymore it's because I'm trying this new way of life bullshit. Blood pressure been significantly high for years and I'm doing what I can to lower it after all those trips to the ICU to visit my fam. Good news is, it's been lowered drastically. 

-If your girl's mom gave you 5 stacks and asked you to never see her again, would you? The OC had me thinking, tried to tell myself I'd force 15 and dip but I couldn't even do that fml. 15 stacks goes a long way in Scarborough too shit.

-Went to a Buddhist kitchen today, giving them free publicity check out 666 (I know but still check it out) Dundas St. West. Those bean curds make me cum and the food was exceptional. I could fuck with that shit 5 days a week. Check their portions though this is what it looked like after we ate enough for 2 meals: Good Ass Food

-I went from codeine and Zoloft pills to wheatgrass juice and jasmine tea, don't know how to feel about this smh.

-To the dudes reading this, tell me you wouldn't punch her in the face if she did this. Maybe I'm a bad person but I'd definitely fuck her up for this: Read About this nonsense

- Peep this, this girl I know lives approx. 316.11 miles away according to Mapquest. She knows I'll be in town in the near future to take care of some stuff. She been asking me to make sure I email her when I come to town, religiously but swears "I'm just cool and would be a good hookup." You mean there's no one even an hour away from your town that ain't cool and won't be a hookup??????? I'll shut up now.

-Shorty been wanting to skype sex  but has no webcam, so what did she do? Went out and copped the Logitech Cam for Mac, except she has Windows.....

-I asked this Muslim girl in Dubai if she'd marry me today because I know her box is immaculate. She said yes once her parents approve and told me I could raw it every day if I promised to behave. Then she told me how Dubai has no strip clubs and I could never get wasted, I hit the sign out button on that conversation so fucking quick. 

-Want to get drunk quick? Drink on a hangover, trust me the buzz is fucking good and comes quick. 

-I'm 22 and don't have a fucking clue on how to write a resume or cover letter. Never needed a proper one.

I'm out.

The Non Alcoholic Weekend- Home Pussy

So before I get into it because I been getting a lot of texts about my drunk texting on Friday night. I said if y'all caught me drinking alcohol I'd do the pic with the pink bra and panties right. Well listen, if I specifically tell the bartender I want a NON-Alcoholic drink with 2 shots of vodka in it, then it ain't my fault. If you order a non-alcoholic drink and the bartender happens to slither in a few shots of gin, how could I be accused of knowingly drinking alcohol, it's nonalcoholic. And for the record, that bartender made me my own personal drink, told me she thinks it's illegal to do what she did, but she did it anyway. She made a 4-shot gin and tonic and charged me $11.75 because I chatted her up.3+ 1 free one. Oh and it was non-alcoholic because I asked for it :) 

But that ain't what I want to talk about. I want to talk about home pussy. What is home pussy? Home pussy is the pussy you go back to and it makes you feel like home. It's that one person out there who you give power over your life. For example, I went to NYC, Cali, and an ICU room, fought with her before I left for NYC, avoided her for a week cause I forgot what we fought about, came right back home and she made it all fit together. She made it all work, it's the power of home pussy. That's what I been trying to tell these dudes but they ain't seeing it.

For example, my boy don't want to go back to home pussy to have sex because he feels it will be awkward. So what does he do? He shells $130 on a hotel with someone he got wasted with. That's all fine and shit, but who was she? A motherfucking Somalian. Nigga, when I want to know how to rob a boat, I'll ask a Somalian. When I want to know how to survive on one cup of rice for 15 days, I'll ask a Somalian. This nigga gave her 5 star treatment. I told dude, I said the downtowner inn is class hold up let me throw a link up: http://www.downtownerinntoronto.com/. Check those rates, fucking class. So, surprise surprise he does the fancy shit and she ends up being a terrible fuck. I don't care what anyone says but you blow $130 on a chick and she is as terrible as he described, that's going to hurt. Then some other shit happened smh.

I told dude I said fam, go back home, it might be awkward but hit it and whatever happens, happens. He said no. Fast forward to this weekend.

We're somewhere downtown and the drunkeness is starting to set in from my non-alcoholic sessions. I said hey lets walk to Yonge st. Ride the Vomit Comit (TTC Bus) . He says nah, he wants to fuck one of his friends. I'm thinking this is a bad fucking idea but I'm too drunk to intervene with rational thoughts so I'll watch this shit go by. The three of us get a cab. Now I been in this position before where you want something so bad, nothing else matters. Particularly at the strip club and particularly while drunk. But damn I hate to see other people do it. We get in the cab and I motherfucking hate cabs. I been in 6 in the past 8 years, I hate that fucking rate meter going up, I hate cab drivers I hate the whole fucking ideology of giving some Paki doctor an unreasonable amount of money for fucking driving me.

But I hop in with my boy and Ms. Piglett. To be honest she was hot  but when downing a half dozen shots her face drew similarities to Miss. Piggy, nice girl though. So here's where dude fucked up. No questions asked he wanted to smash, and it was going to cost him money regardless. But he did things the wrong way, money mismanagement. That cab shit, he should have spent on an after-hours club just him and her. See the entire fucking night was spent in a group setting, alone time will make your chances go up. Lastly, you don't tell the fucking cab to drop you off in your neck of the woods so you could get money, that blows the cover. He lives a 3 min. walk from where the cab dropped him off, but he got out the car, got money, got back in. No no no no no. 

You have to make it seem inevitable that you HAVE to stay at her house, by having the cab drop you off at your home base, she knows you want to smash, there's no challenge from her. The whole thing is making you want her and hoping for the best. Then nigga says in the cab "so you know I'm single right?" YOU giving it up too easyyyyyyyyyy fam. You have to say " I was in a relationship for x amount of years, she stole my heart, im wasted, I need help." Throw pity on her, tell her you rescue cats from a burning building. The entire fucking allure to the type of hookup you want is the challenge aspect. Dude wore a sign on his head saying " I want to fuck you." and of course when I asked him in the morning, he didn't get any. More alcohol, more pity, and more lies you would have had a better shot. Now, go back to home pussy this week and re-assess strategies so you don't end up falling for some Mustafa Somalian Heaux, or Miss Piglett with the massive rack. What's next???? (Paul Bearer voice) LMAOOOO he's going to kill me, peace.

The Worst Week- Sunday

 Y'all think I forgot: No I Didn't

Before I begin one of my blog fans "sacrificed" a chick for me today. While I ain't take it cause I got my own lmao, that chick was insane and nearly killed me. Just cause I got my own, if you love the shit I do and want to sacrifice your girl, please do, I'll just pass it on. 

Shit this story is hard to tell after so many days. I end up at JFK on Sunday morning for a 6:30am departure. Either 6 or 9 I can't remember but we were headed to Burbank. That's where shit went sour. My boy Lorenzo was rolling with me and neither of us know where Burbank is. We both assume it's in Oakland and then the uncertainly of what we're doing starts to become real. 

I forget this chick's age, her picture everything. Before you know it we're fighting in the airport wondering where the fuck is Burbank. Then it's time to check in "Sir are you intoxicated." I stopped lying about this shit months ago. "Yes, but I'm fine." She says " Sure, but don't make me regret my decision for letting you two on the plane." I fucking love white people. We got wasted on the plane and that's where I pulled the stupidest move I ever did in my life. See I was supposed to go to Cali from Sunday to Thurs but I only packed from Friday to Sunday, you following? So I'm like fuck I could go do some laundry in the airplane's bathroom. So I go in with my backpack start washing boxers and shit. Then I realized i had no fucking dryer. Fuck had to take the loss and tie that shit in a plastic bag and sit the fuck down.

We end up in Cali and two girls and about 3 ounces of weed among other drugs are waiting for us in a Dodge Durango. 6 hours later my mom called me and told me what was going on back home with my cousin and shit so that really fucked up my trip but I had a good time. Here's some things I noticed about Cali: White girls rock "boy shorts" in front of their parents like it's nothing. I smoked like 3 blunts with the girls mom. She didn't care that her daughter picked up two random dudes off the internet from Toronto/NYC. Cali is the only place where I steadily got an erection at Walmart, it was insane. I didn't go to San Diego but the beaches were insane. The weed is amazing and the Roddy White is even better. People are pretty stuck up but if I lived there I would be too. I pretty much lived at In and Out Burger. Los Angeles fucking sucks. Angels stadium is terrible. Lastly real estate is pretty fucking cheap and I want to get back out west Asap. I'd add more but I was only in Cali for like two days, flew back on Tuesday on a one way ticket to reality. Actually, last weekend I woke up at a 5 star Mariott in downtown Toronto with a hot chick on the bed beside me. But I can't mention those details, like how we're platonic but she wears this shirt where her big ass tits are visible from miles away. Or how she wore these white pants that would make Jesus have a wank. Or how I hopped in her ride and N-Sync was playing. Now tomorrow I'm going to hit the club and not do any cocaine, alcohol, or get thrown out by a big black bouncer. I love my life.

No blog Today

Tired niggas. Bout to go to bed. I'll try to do picks on a consistent basis and these blogs will suffer because the weather is nice, I got a sick relative, and I'm doing shit like eating Creme Brule in rich parts of Toronto I've never been before.. Oh and I got other interests. (in other words, if my blogs suck or not on every day, blame her.) You niggas ain't living right. Peace.

One Of the Craziest Times of My Life- Friday

So I get home from the shrink and I pass out. I get up and I have about an hour to get my shit together because I'm NYC bound. I get a message from someone I don't know saying " I hope you're alright." It's one of those random people I added the night before from Newport Beach, California. We talk for a bit and one thing leads to another and she's telling me how she wants to meet me in person, my blogs are amazing. She offers to buy me a ticket and wants to see me that weekend, I'm thinking fuck that, much rather NYC. Here was the plan for the weekend. My parents drive me to Maplewood NJ where they were staying with relatives. I would get a ride to NYC, party, view Adele concert, watch the Yankees-Mets on Sunday and head back Monday to Maplewood NJ where I would ride with my parents back home. That didn't happen.

Well I'm still talking to Cali girl on that 8 hour drive to NJ and I will admit, she planted the seed in my head, had me thinking about all sorts of shit. To make a long story short this is where things fell apart again. I have a friend with benefits in NYC. I've known her for like 9 years now and we tried to be a couple, didn't work out but we bang everytime I'm there or everytime she's here. She picks me up from Maplewood and we go back to her house (6am Saturday morning.) The first thing I do is hop in the shower, beer in hand. I was drinking Blue Moon. I get out the shower and I could tell she's upset. The blackberry fucking strikes. I have a file in there with one girl's name and it contains a lot of personal shit and stuff and she must have read it. She says " so it's only a matter of time before you break her heart." I respond with, " why don't you tell your boyfriend you love him after I cum all over your face."

Wow. She fucking attacks me, whips a bagel at me and starts digging her nails into me. I'll admit this, I'll let you be the judge of this. If I'm a "wife-beater" then so be it but I ain't going to have this girl dig up my skin and gladly smile. I push her against the wall and give her an Indian-sunburn so she could get the fuck off me. An indian-sunburn y'all, that shit we'd do religiously as kids. Now she's screaming saying I attacked her and I'm thinking what the fuck. It's 6am and I'm dealing with this bullshit. What's worse is she had my fucking Adele ticket and my Yankee ticket for Sunday. Now I'm fucking piss. I storm out of her crib. You know what's worse, I forgot my fucking wallet and had to walk back in 5 minutes later, knock the door and get it. Most awkward shit in my life.

So I call up the homies and we're doing our thing in NYC. I visit my favourite rapper Styles P at a Juice Bar he owns. I eat at Georgia Diner in Queens, I visit Strawberry fields in Central Park, hold up I'll post a pic: http://lockerz.com/s/106628186. Me and the homies grab some tickets off scalpers and we watch the Yankees on Saturday night before and after the strip club. I fucking sat in 400s, been to Yankee stadium over 100 times and have always sat in the bleachers, fucking women I swear. So while intoxicated I ask my boy Lorenzo who had seen the messages  " Give me one good reason why I should go to California." I'll never ever ever forget this. He says "look to your left." And there was a fucking skinny black girl who had shitty ass implants. That image is embedded in my brain, forever.

Story continues tomorrow.