About to Get Deep, The ICU

Before I get into it and brace yourself, this will be a long one. I just want to say that I found out today a blog follower Jucksey passed away on Friday. We only started speaking after I got back from Vegas and he saw me on ustream but in the brief conversations I've had with him, you won't meet a nicer guy. RIP Ken, I'll fucking miss you. 

Secondly, recently a lot of people have been asking about how they can save these blogs if there's a program that compacts them all etc. There's a website called www.blog2print.com. When I try to make the shit happen it says it exceeds the maximum number of pages or some bullshit but from December 27th 2009 (the day this blog started) to December 27th 2010 they quoted me $51.95 on black and white. $7 for the E-book though if you're interested.  It's a fucking recession though, that shit is a few pints smh.

My mom's cousin, who was an alcoholic for most of his life has spent the last week in an ICU. Complete organ failure, he's going out George Best style. Him and I got close the last 24 months or so I've decided to pretty much move my life in that ICU waiting room. I used to try to get him to wake up but the more I think about it, the brain damage is far too extensive. Id be lying if I said I was praying for him to come out okay. Lost cause, I'm hoping he goes as quickly as possible. He might be responding to me talking these days, I get a little leg movement here and there but if he does come out I have a sneaking suspicion he'll be a vegetable. Though you spend a week in an ICU waiting room you begin to learn a thing or two about death. Allow me to share. 

When dealing with death, here are some things to keep in mind. 

Make A Will- Whether you love or hate your family, give your assets to someone that isn't the fucking government. Even if you have a grand in the bank account, everyone over the age of 30 should have one. Give it to a neighbour, donate it, request that it be spent on strippers and prostitutes, but don't leave it. Especially not out of spite.

Your Past Follows You Around- Whether you would want to admit it, whether you care, whether it's right or wrong, your past follows you around. I'm watching this nigga fight for his life and yet he spent 40 something years burning bridges. People are around but they don't give a fuck and deep down I don't really blame them. Whether we want to admit it or not, the past defines who you are. It doesn't go away and you can't escape it. Every last minute counts, so make it count. Do whatever the fuck you want to do and make you happy. Live for no one because in the end life moves on, you don't.

Very few people give a fuck about you- That's the motherfucking truth. You could be anything in the world but truth is, you only mean shit to a very select few amount of people. Sure, they'll come, they'll cry, they'll pretend to be distraught but the truth is, they're doing it because they have to. The real ones are the ones who love you today and you don't even need to think about it, you'll know who they are. The most frequent sentence I've heard in that waiting room is " What could I do for them???" That's the truth, people are more concerned about their well being, even in a perfect state than yours when you're in hell. Everyday there's someone in their bitching about parking or how they can't help. Truth is they really can't do anything for you when you're in a coma. With that said, the amount of people who repeat their helplessness is unreal. They state their helplessness because they want the world to know that if they could help, they would, but they can't but they're still here. It's fucking unsettling hearing the worlds "what could we do?" The fucking answer is nothing but the world don't need to hear it.

Humanity is a bitch- I struggle with this one. Since being in that waiting room I've encountered about 10 families. Everytime you hear "code blue" you know it's bad. Everytime I heard "code blue" I'm secretly hoping someone else in that waiting room has to deal with it and not me. Some of those people I'd consider friends. You see the stress, torment and hell in their faces but code blue comes out and it's like every man for themselves. It's weird and I try to fight the feeling but I can't. Don't give a fuck if it's human nature or not, it fucking sucks hoping someone else in there is dead and not the person you're there for. 

Someone in there hates you and will be glad you're gone- You won't know who it is but rest assured people are happy you're gone. I don't give a fuck what you did in this world, there will always be someone who is secretly praying for you to go. I haven't figured out why yet, but it's true.

Last words of advice: Change.

If you're unhappy, then get yourself happy. This shit creeps up on you and as I repeated already, life moves on, you don't. It's too late for every motherfucker in that ICU room. Speaking on a very personal level, my cousin could have changed and made things right. He didn't. Don't be that person, don't live just to breathe. Be however the fuck you want to be so long as your happy. Don't give a fuck what people think, they'll formulate their own opinions and you should not do anything to influence them. Let them think what they think. The ones that love you unconditionally for who you are, who you once were or who you are about to become  are the ones who you should devote most of your attention to. It's a cold dark world filled with warm bright lights, use it to your advantage. Don't spend a minute in this world thinking it's too late. Once you're breathing, walking, talking, moving, then you aren't already dead. You got it in you to make shit right, for you and no one else. While your past may define you to a certain extent, don't let past events dictate you or consume you. Make the world yours by becoming happy, your life wasn't worth it if you weren't happy in the time you spent here. Im out, peace.