25 Things I want in My Future Wife

Today one of my boys was scrambling for a liquor store. When I told him they aren't open this late he was pissed. Said he should give the girl more than just beer. I asked why the fuck is he supplying her with variety liquor? He said because she cleans his place. My nigga, you don't fucking treat them like the Queen of England. Just because they helped you tidy up does not qualify for the variety liquor. If she's cleaning your crib then kissing her in the mouth  should suffice. Y'all disgust me man. It made me think of the 25 things I need in my future wife. Let's go:

1) She gotta let me hit it on the period. (Not every month, hell we can take months off, but there's something about a chick letting you in, she can't seal it off just for the sake of a little blood)

2) She has to be white. (If you're wondering why, this explains it: White Girls Only)

3) She has to believe in God (You atheist heauxs stay the fuck away from me, I ain't going to hell for the box, sorry) 

4) She should be able to pronounce "hands" like this girl: White Girl Voice (so white...so hot) 

5) She must be a swallower. Spitters are for quitters.

6) College education is a must. (I ain't supporting you G.E.D. heaux that think James Joyce is a stylist) 

7) Must not like the following: Sean Kingston, Justin Bieber, Maroon 5, Black Eyed Peas.

8) She should be down for a fake scrap once in a while ( If you've never given your chick the People's Elbow then you aren't living right) 

9) She shouldn't get upset when I fart unless it's in front of guests or real nasty. ( I rarely hold it in ) 

10) She needs to watch Scarface and Blow before I wife her. ( It should be a necessity for all women really) 

11) Shaving is a must (I don't mind the little trail but I'm not rolling out a John Deere before I hit it) 

12) Mild-Racism is a must (nothing better than a white girl saying the n-word) 

13) She shouldn't be burping in front of me. (farts are fine but a girl burping is a massive turnoff in my fucked up world) 

14) Needs to attend sporting events. ( she doesn't have to be into it, but her ass is coming with me on occasion. )

15) No outie belly-button (If you got one it's because God hates you) 

16) Head at least 4 times a week. (I'm being generous here) 

17) Accept the fact that I'm going to get wasted at least once a month and it won't be pretty. I'll make it up to you once the hangover ends.

18) Has to be able to list at least 3 Spongebob charcters. (You life isn't worth shit unless you can name 3 at a minimum) 

19) Know the lyrics to Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" and Biggie's "Juicy". (I know most of y'all don't..you still got time)

20) She needs to push the shopping cart. I hate grocery shopping but I'd go if she needed me. I ain't pushing a shopping cart though, fuck that.

21) If you're going to rock nail-polish, make sure it looks proper (There's nothing worse than talking to a chick and got like half a nail painted....it's all I notice) 

22) No Jersey Shore references. ( A girl that references Jersey Shore in life is the same girl that gets her news from www.theonion.com) 

23) Must not own her own coffee mug. (People who have their own coffee mugs are the same people who order pasta at Pizza Hut)

24) Must never slander the Goat-Snipe: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=goat+snipe

25) She should be paying the credit card in full (If you are being suckered in by the 18-29% credit card interest rates then your parents didn't love you as a child)

Need to sleep on these NFL games, will figure it out first thing in the morning. 

NBA:
$300 Cleveland/Utah over 196.5 -110= Return of $572.73 (W)
$500 Raptors/Pistons over 206.5 -110 (L)

Total Wagered: $800

Total Returned: $572.73 

Total Loss: $227.27

Total Earned to Date: $14837.89

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.

RIP to VSOP and the World Ending List.

Before I get into this blog let me just say, one of my best friends looks like the girl on the left. She and I are good friends but today when I told her I'd do her when the world is ending she got mad. Please, I'd do you right the fuck now. Also I got a friend who could use the help, some things went sour but in all honesty she deserves so much, can you please pray for her, she does not deserve what is happening to her right now, Jewish hottie. Snickers and Krispe, I love you too and don't you dare forget it. Let's go:

Seeing as how the world is ending, I want to make a list of things I want to do before the world ends. Here is the first 25.

25) I want to have sex with the girl that told me to write this list. (What now huh?) gnrrrrr.

24) I want to go Zip-lining. Always wanted to, but never had the balls.

23) I want to make the Beal Combo come to life (no one will understand this, but I do, and so do y'all involved) 

22) I want to hang with the Natives in Australia (y'all remember the bush man in Crocodile Dundee??? I want to hang with him)

21) I want to visit Chagrin Falls (don't ask)

20) I want to lose 10lbs. (Currently 182.5lbs....172 would look sexy)

19) Before I die I want to have anal sex (never dunnit)

18) Heroin, if the world were to end today, I want to be high as fuck. 

17) I want to plow Robin Meade.

16) I want to plow an Arab girl with the garments on.

15) I want to take a Louisville slugger to the cast of Jersey Shore

14) I want to use a bidet (never got the chance)

13) I want to jerk off with my right hand (I'm a south paw)

12) I want to eat Kelly Ripa's vagina (don't ask)

11) I want to plow Betty White (don't ask but I think she got that good box.)

10) I want to sleep with Bristol and Sarah Palin, at the same time.

9) I want to pay one of my degenerate friends to fuck Condaleesa Rice.

8) I want to fuck Claire Huxtable before she dies

7) I want to play dance dance revolution with a Chink (Asian)

6) I want to sleep with an Asian bird (never got the chance)

5) I want to punch Ke$ha in the face

4) I want to throw Rihanna off a cliff.

3) I want to make butter from whipped cream (I swear I did it before)

2) I want to watch a new episode of M.A.S.H.

1) I want to smoke a spliff with the Queen of England.

will recap the bullshit night, tomorrow.

Another Day, Another Fucked Up Experience, Woof Woof

Before I start let's get a few things out the way. Would any of y'all fuck Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife, for free, while  sober? It wasn't even an option for me, it was a hell no. However, some of y'all are saying hell yes. So let me know what everyone thinks. Also, I don't know how or why I ended up agreeing to this, but I'm hosting a Jersey Shore viewing party tomorrow, VSOP out in full effect, don't ask. 

Check out this report card though, I'm Jimmy Neutron in this bitch:

ENGB06H3 - Canadian Literature I: 0.50 71 B-

ENGC59H3 - Geography and Regionalism 0.50 76 B

HISB30H3 - American History to the Civil 0.50 66 C

PHLA10H3 - Introduction to Philosophy: 0.50 70 B-

Credits Earned: 2.00

Sessional GPA: 2.60 Cumulative GPA: 2.27

My white girl left me a few days ago. Found a professional golfer dude. For a hot minute I had a teacher going to make 6 stacks and fumbled it for a golfer guy. I don't think I can win anymore. These days I'm reduced to making goat noises, taking pictures of myself with stuffed cartoons and writing letters to God. So when you lose a chick you fucked up with you got 2 options. You try to repair things with the hope that she hasn't seen enough yet or you concede defeat. She seen enough, I got no choice but to move on. See it's 2011. The world is supposed to end next year. That means this year I have to make the most of everything, which means I need a white girl. In previous years I didn't give a fuck about anything but with the world is ending, birds, fish, and chicken dying, cops getting run over by a crazy dude with a snow plow, all this means I need to secure that box. So white girl leaves for a professional golfer and I'm convinced she could be replaced. 

I start talking to a new girl, Morgan. A 19 year old college sophomore I met through a friend, I started realizing something weird. Morgan could never replace anybody in my life, she's one of a kind. The conversation I'm about to post is 100% real, she isn't winding me up, she's just this fucking stupid. Her parents are beyond rich, probably was home-schooled and drives a range-rover. I'm not ashamed to admit I pissed my pants when she mentioned "Tiger." Just a few things before I post it: Everytime the convo says "start/stop" it's because I "goat sniped" her. If you don't know what goat sniping is, read a few blogs down. This convo is 10000000000% accurate I put that on my life, nothing fabricated, I didn't put her up to this. I'm done finding girls, tapping out, my left hand is all I need. "NNH" is the goat noise I was making when I met her. Here goes: 

Morgan says:
 you're the bah person, right?
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 nah, i'm the nnh one
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:


Play/stop    Save as
Morgan says:
 ohh.. ok then
 huh?
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:


Play/stop    Save as
Morgan says:
 whats that
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:


Play/stop    Save as
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 goat noise
Morgan says:
 ok..?
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:


Play/stop    Save as
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 k ima stop
 LOL
 i got issues
Morgan says:
 mmhm ok..
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 i love you
Morgan says:
 why is there a goat as ur display picture?
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 cause i want to have sex with one babe
 i have a problem
 obsessive goat disorder
 im obsessed with goats
Morgan says:
 um, and does lindsay know this?
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 yes she's trying to help me
 but she wants to be a sheep
Morgan says:
 who wants to be a sheep
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 snickers
 aka lindsay
Morgan says:
 lindsay wants to be a sheep, or wants to be snickers?
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 her name is snickers
 she wants to be a sheep
Morgan says:
 ohh ok i get it now
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 i dont but im glad you do, im a lost person
Morgan says:
 um im sorry, its ok though, im lost as well
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 you can be the snail
 what noise does a snail make
 woof woof?
Morgan says:
 no thats a tiger, a snail is slimy
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 are u sure its not a dog?
 snails could make a soft meow i think
Morgan says:
 um i think they both make the same noise, but a tiger;s louder
 no no cats make tthat noise
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 i swear other animals do it as well
Morgan says:
 maybe, im not the best person to ask
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 merry christmas babe
Morgan says:
 thanks but lol that was a long time ago
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 no
 im a different religion
 mine is on saturday
 im a scientologist
Morgan says:
 ohh sorry   merry christmas
 are there many scientologists, ive never heard of the religion
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 only people from africa
 im from africa
 do u know where it is
Morgan says:
 ohh yeah you're black
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 yea
 black people only come from africa
Morgan says:
 um its next to asia
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 and maybe
 finland
 yea
 right next door
 near china
Morgan says:
 yeah yeah finland and asia
 i mean africa*
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 yea finland is a nice place
 it's in africa
Morgan says:
 ive never been
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 you should come with me and Snickers one day
Morgan says:
 umm yeah, one day
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 too much blacks in finland though.
Morgan says:
 um im sorry i have to go
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 bye
Morgan says:
 merry christmas
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 woof woof
 make a tiger noise for me
 if ur going
 please
Morgan says:
 woof? bye
Islandboi...Not knowing what goats sound like is for the faggots says:
 bye 

My boxers are now in the garbage, soaked with piss. My bladder gave up and I was on the floor. This is what I replaced a hot ass teacher who once told me if we ever progressed she'd give me the money to buy her wedding ring, if I couldn't afford it. Now look what I put up with. December 2012, can't you come now? 

 Will recap and fix the picks and shit in the morning, I'm taking it easy, made enough money so I'm just dicking around for action these days, nothing too serious. 

Raptors/Hawks over $205 -110 for $1000= Return of $1000 (P)
NBA:
$300 Knicks/Blazers over 203 -110 (L)
$300 Spurs/TWolves over 205.5 -110 (L)

NCAAB:
$300 UConn/Rutgers over 134.5 -110 (L)
$400 NC State/Boston College over 144.5 -110 (L)
$300 Illinois/Penn St. over 134.5 -110 (L)
$400 Florida/Tenn over 137 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)

Total Wagered: $3000
Total Returned: $1763.64
Total Loss: $1236.36
Total Earned to Date: $16065.16

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.

Dear

Don't mind me y'all, back on the regular shit tomorrow. I hope. 

Dear Zoloft,

You and I had a divorce months ago after I realized I didn't need you. Well now I do. I spent the last hour and 35mins looking for you, it'd be greatly appreciated if you made an appearance, albeit a guest appearance. Deep down I know I tossed you in the trash but surely there's one of you left. Once again I'd appreciate it.

Dear God,

I don't know what I did, but it's exactly one month to this day since you placed me in that situation and if I did anything wrong please let me know. Nothing has changed since then and I'd really appreciate it if you helped me out on this one because I'm all out of answers and if I'm being honest I got no clue what to do.

Dear LeBron,

Your last tweet has cemented you as a permanent faggot.

Dear Hairline,

Please give me another decade. 

Dear Professional Golfers, 

I hope y'all get busted for roids or fall in a golf course lake or something lmao.

Dear Nathan and everyone that supports you,

I directly blame you for everything that has gone wrong in my life in the past month. I'll give you props, you did change me that's for sure. However let's get one thing clear, with every day that passes I hope you wake up, eat your fruitloops and be thankful I haven't found you yet. If I ever see you, words won't even begin to describe what I'd do. That ain't me talking shit, that's a motherfucking guarantee. I'll put this on everything I love and the graves of all my loved ones that have passed away, you're lucky right now.

Dear Sleep,

Its been exactly 1 month since I've gotten more than 3 hours and I'd really appreciate it if you came back to me. I know this is all related to the predicament I was in one month ago but you have no fucking idea how it feels to be up at 5am wide awake watching D-League basketball on NBA Tv. So sleep if you're listening, it'd be greatly appreciated if you came back into my life.

Dear Jersey Shore,

Go away.

Dear snow,

Please melt, like right the fuck now. It's 3am and the snow-blower won't start and I don't have the energy to do it right now. The stamina, the energy I got nothing left in the tank, in the next half hour I hope you can miraculously melt because I don't want to be out there. 

Dear Salad,

You know when someone's life turns to shit, they always have food to rely on to at least give them 5 minutes of pleasure. You can't even fucking do that. What fucking purpose do you serve in life? Please, I'm dying to know. 

Dear Happiness,

Let's be honest, you haven't been here recently, where can I find you? If you're in Abercrombie and Fitch please tell me cause I will walk my ass in a snow-storm to that faggot ass place just to find you.

Dear my rapper friend from the West-Side,

I know you can't do anything about this and neither can I but I can really use that G-13 right about now. Or whatever the fuck that was, I could use it. Or another album would suffice. 

Dear black people,

This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZprNwUFCHpM is the reason why we'll never amount to shit. 

Dear white girls, 

Thank you. 

I'm out to watch more D-League basketball and to jerk off to those phone sex infomercials. Such an amazing life. Peace.

Crazy ass Day + Me Being A Dumbass + The Goat Snipe.

Today was one fucked up day. Where do I begin? I take the car to school only to realize that the parking-lot is full. My lecture was only an hour and the other lot charges a $10 flat rate so I drove my ass back home. As I was driving home I made some sharp turn and hit a snow bank or some shit. Then I leave my phone in the car, it's like fucking frozen and won't work. Then I decide I'm too lazy to cook so I drive to Burger King to get that Tender-Grill salad. The drive thru isn't working so I had to come out to the car. I was in shorts and a tee. Finally, to conclude this fucked up day I'm talking to my Abi Titmuss friend and I'm telling her how lonely the house is with my parents not around this week. Her response: "I can be your mom." Nothing sexually attached, she really wanted to be a mother-figure to me. Blankstare. Ya let's just forget the fact that you're hot and you got a nice behind and I want to do you, other than that you can be my mom....

So something was bothering me and it pertains to this bad karma I have been experiencing lately. "Lilith" one of my friends had told me I attacked her. I'm a lot of bad things for sure but attacking a chick, I just can't see it. Yes at the time I was trying to tap it but I thought I told her just to leave and we can go our separate ways. The problem is, we had this convo while I was intoxicated which means it falls under "DTI" Drunk-texting immunity. Whatever happened in that convo is supposed to stay in that convo. But I did the unthinkable, I wanted to know what I said that was so bad that made her feel like she was being attacked. So for the first time in my life, I went back and checked drunk messages again as opposed to deleting them. Uh wow, I didn't just "Jackie Chan" her, I did enough damage to have her looking like Brett Favre the day after a game. I think to myself, what the fuck, in all honesty December was one of my greatest months, ever and she played a role in that. Yet I destroyed that and it just gets worse. 

Here's how good karma is to me. 99% of females would have said "fuck you" and be gone forever. After re-reading that shit, I could have had the swag of Michael fucking Buble and it wouldn't have matter. But she asks me the next day "So do you still want me to leave." Bam, it's right there for the taking. All I have to say is yes, I'm sorry and it's all gravy. You know what I reply back with: "I dunno." The fuck is wrong with me. I might have been still drunk and you know how nasty a hangover is, I was pissed off with the world. Even then she said she enjoyed talking to me, after all that bulllshit I put her through. To be fair I put her through bullshit since we met each other but after ALL that this chick still tells me I make her happy and asked one last time and I reply back with: I dunno. 

So back to today, I'm convinced that this is the reason my life has gone to shit. I looked through like a thousand emails and I kept asking myself, what the fuck is wrong with me. I wasn't even running game, I was just like "meh" for most of them. She's long gone now, she's around but the holidays are over and she's back on the grind and she's actually doing productive shit with her life as opposed to me which you'll find out now. I don't blame her either, if somebody spoke to me like that, I would have punched them in their fucking mouth. So after re-visiting the situation and realizing I fucked everything up, there's only a few options left. I can apologize. I can ignore her. I can beg for her forgiveness. Or I can act like an asshole even more. What do I do? What do you do with the person who has put up with your entire false bullshit, has helped you through hell and back, and has given you chances after chances. I goat snipe her. 

You're probably wondering what the fuck I'm talking about. See I got this friend Snickers and we both suffer from insomnia. So for the last couple of days, we've been practicing goat and sheep sounds because we don't know what the fuck they sound like. Once we perfected it, I created the goat snipe. To goat snipe someone is to instant message or email someone with a clip of you making a goat noise, then you tell them they've been goat sniped. Yes when I'm not having sex with fictional South Park characters I'm doing this with my life. I spent hours trying to perfect a goat noise, then I goat sniped her. If you don't believe me, have a listen yourself: The Goat Snipe.This is not what God had planned for me, I need help. 

Recapping the night:

NCAA:
$800 Auburn -1.5 -110= Return of $1527.27 (W)

NBA:
$400 Celtics/Rockets over 198 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)

Play of the Day:
$1000 Auburn/Oregon under 75 -110= Return of 1909.09 (W)

Total wagered: $2200

Total Returned: $4200

Total Profit: $2000

Total Earned to Date: $17301.52

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.

Bruno Mars Get The Fuck Out Of Here

Before I start let's kill all these birds with one stone. To my Abi Titmuss looking home-girl that emailed me telling me my lists make her horny, you'll get something similar tomorrow. I didn't email you this cause I figured you'd be sleeping. Chad, you don't even gotta ask man I'll do it first thing in the morning. Any Rager is like family to me, unless your first name is Angel. King of the Coin toss, I fucking lost it when dude said he was going to be a millionaire at 22, some shit you have to see to believe. Let's go:

A couple of weeks ago I was with my boy GM, we were stuck in traffic because of the assholes around Yorkdale mall who think they're the shit by last-minute shopping. We were both severely hung over and pissed off. The radio wasn't even on and he fucking snapped talking about how Bruno Mars is a fucking bitch. Then I turned on the radio and I swear on my life there was that gay ass song "Just the Way you Are." Bruno Mars get the motherfucking fuck out of here with that bullshit. You like girls just the way they are?? Okay you dick-sucking for cocaine loving Colombian fuck, tell this bitch you love her just the way she is: click if you ain't a pussy. Fuck Bruno Mars for talking all that dumb shit, no ladies we don't like you just the way you are. We like your independence, the swag, confidence, a nice ass, big tits, great cooking skills and above all: sensational head game. Fuck Bruno Mars.

But I was relatively calm with this Bruno shit because I figured he was just selling out for some pussy and a few dollars, then it just got worse. It was 4pm the other day and I'm at home watching Spongebob while my mom was sitting down begging me to change the channel. The phone rings and it was her friend telling her to put it on the Ellen Degenerate show because Bruno Mars was going to do a live performance. I guess my mom loves this gay ass faggot. Of course she fucking grabs the remote and changes Spongebob (It was that episode where Patrick meets his parents). So now I'm pissed off and there it was. This Mexican homo starts singing: " I’d catch a grenade for ya.Throw my hand on a blade for ya. I’d jump in front of a train for ya. " The fuck is wrong with this dumbfuck. Is he fucking those Iraqi heauxs? Why would he need to catch a grenade for anyone. Why the fuck would be throw his hand on a blade, this shit don't even make sense. Then I thought about the last one, If you Jump in front of a train, that means she's behind you and instead of trying to save her you told the girl "fuck you bitch let's die together!" He rather die with her than stick his hand out and try to save her cause a train would fuck the both of them up. The fuck??? 

But fine, let's not look into the lyrics, we all know what he was trying to say. He'd die for a chick. Really Bruno? Quit the fucking lying. First you tell the grotesque, obese heaux you love them just the way they are, stink box and all. Then you tell the same fat bitch that you'd catch a grenade for her. Then you tell them you'd die for them. Grow a fucking dick my nigga. If your chick dies, it means she's going to cry for a month and then she'll go out with her friends who want her to stop being anti-social. So she'll go to Boston Pizza on Yonge St one night. Where I'll be, drunk out of my fucking mind. I'll tell her, " I find it truly amazing that your bf caught a grenade for you, you must be special." Then the entire night I'm going to make her laugh. I'm going to give her confidence, I'll make her smile, and I'll tell her that she has a great personality. 50 minutes later I'll be getting it in, plowing her from behind. On second thought, go ahead Bruno, start catching them grenades. Just so we make things clear, if any of you ladies think I'm going to die for you, I'm not. When the guns come out I'm going to say "Honey, you're on your own." and I'll get the fuck out of there like the black people on Muary when they find out they are not the father of the kid. 

I'll recap/post picks by 2pm. Peace. 

NBA:
$300 New Orleans/Denver over 201 -110 (L)
$300 Knicks/Lakers over 211 -110 (L)

NFL:
$800 Packers +3 -125= Return of $1440

NCAAF:
$500 Nevada -7 -120= Return of $500 (Push)

Play of the Day:
$1000 Baltimore -2.5 -110= Return of $1909.09 (W)

Total Wagered: $2900
Totl Returned: $3849.09
Total Profit: $949.09
Total Earned to Date: $15301.52

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.

Fucked Up Weekend, Random Shit, and Leaking Photos of Me and Cartman

 

So hold up. Some of y'all think it's cool to be posting your biceps and shit huh. Well me and Cartman had sex today. Then he gave me some head. Y'all ain't got shit on me. I want the internet world to see how great Cartie is at taking it doggy. Alright enough of that, I can't sleep so I'll blog. Fucking sober as ever. Did the pub thing today and had water and fucking lemons. People looking at me asking me if I'm a Born Again Christian, sad shit. So I came back, fell asleep for most of the Colts game, had sex with Cartie and now I can't sleep. Let me tell y'all bout my fucked up weekend:

My boy hit me up a few days ago, told me he is really digging his girl. He then said the words I love to hear "I got one for you too." I guess he got paid because he wanted to go to the Woodbine Slots. For starters, I don't really fuck with casinos. I've seen people piss on themselves, everyone in the place looks like a pedophile and I don't like giving my money to the government. But I figured why not, I'm only going to drop a 20. So I meet chick and we all head down. Within 40 minutes, dude is down 7 bills and kicked a machine. For starters, he works for fucking minimum wage, as a motherfucking tailor and he dropped 7 bills. The progressive bonus aside, he was playing $1 wheel of fortune. The most you can win on that shit is a grand, if lucky. Dude dropped 7 bills for that bullshit. So of course he's getting thrown out and the girl he was with fucking flipped. He tells her "you're walking back bitch." Now naturally, I would have given her cab-fare but she decides to flip on me telling me I encouraged dude to drop 7 bills. Ya walk your ass home. No disrespect either but I make far too much money to be dealing with dark-skinned people. So I wasn't digging the chick I was with, I'm sure she was nice and shit but get your ashy self the fuck out of here. After about 12 free coffees (the Mexican server really knew how to mix a coffee) I come home and my parents are chilling with some white people. 

This is where the demise starts. I sit down and mix one vodka and cranberry. Didn't get a buzz, I kept going hard because I kept saying " where the fuck is my buzz?" So after the vodka, then bacardi, then Malibu, I finally stand up and fuck, it hit me. I wish I had stood up earlier. Now I'm drunk but the good kind of drunk and mom is yelling at me for all the drinking and I'm telling her to chill and she finally goes to bed. Now I'm in that nice-mode, 3 years ago me and my boy were going at it and I told him I wish he was dead. For whatever reason, I decide to address it last night. He's drunk 320 days out of the year but last night is the one fucking day he's sober. So we talk about it and the fucker doesn't even remember it. Then I start telling him how he's like family to me and shit and he says "ya man I wanted to tell you this the other day" So why the fuck didn't you, you faggot. Anyway, I holla at my homegirl as well, I thought she was sleeping but nope. She had some really nice stuff to say though, so I'm feeling nice. Then she tells me about how she can't sleep because she dreamed someone killing her in a warehouse. Great. She starts with "there's something special about you and you have a massive cock" (k I made that part up, dont shoot) and then ends the convo with "someone is trying to chop my head off"  I holla at another chick on msn webcam as well. Things had gone sour between us months ago but I wanted her to make sure she knew there was no hard feelings. So things are going good....then I get that "you got mail" message. I knew I should have never opened it up.

This is a chick I'm trying to smash emailing me with "I'm going on a date tomorrow, it's so out of my comfort zone to do this." Nah, she didn't stand a chance last night, I had Beanie Sigel on repeat and like I said I'm trying to smash it and she's talking about a date. Big mistake. See the average dude who hears that shit would probably say "good I'm so glad" and then cry or take pictures of his biceps or something. Not me though, I'm not that faggot Charlie's brother on 2 and a half men. The fuck I look like, Richard Simmons? Nah, poor girl didn't do anything and I went all Jackie Chan on her ass. See I have to adapt to this bird. She's like Lilith from Cheers, except she's a dime. Y'all telling me you wouldn't wife a hot version of Lilith?? So I keep wondering why the fuck is Lilith talking to me, I'm like Woody from Cheers. See what I mean? I'm so used to you basic people that when I get a respectable white chick I'm destined to fuck shit up. So fuck it, I wasn't about to hear about Lilith and her date and I went ape shit. Oh well, that's just me haha.

Now I'm bothered by my convo with Lilith and the inevitable nightmare about someone killing me in a warehouse. I pop in 8 mile and watch it on dvd. I crash around 6:30 and was up by 8, probably still drunk. My parents must have some crazy sex because they're up all the motherfucking time. Always happy and shit too. I chill with them for a bit, we watch some gay shit on Woman's tv called "Old Christine" Then the weird shit continued. They went to get groceries so I decided to have a shower, maybe I'd feel better. I swear I open the shower and stare at it for 10 minutes and I swear on my life I was getting clean just by watching the fucking shower. See how fucked I am. Eventually I tell myself I need to stop fucking around and I have a shower. It's now 8:30 and no one is around but Lindsay.

I've introduced some of y'all to Lindsay..she's a fucking Skype Princess. She's the type that would make you leave your wife for that box. You guys aren't living right unless you know someone like this. She isn't a heaux, she just has an addiction to sex. She's down for whatever, whoever, whenever. We fight like every fucking day because we butt heads a lot and everything we talk about revolves around the topic of sex. Could you imagine I had a real life convo with Lindsay. Lindsay and I actually had a heart to heart......fucked up day. Then there's the whole facebook incident that I won't get into now but it was all fun and games until someone told me they were straight then used this " : p " If you a straight dude and you use that emoticon, you are a fucking homo. Peace, oh and fuck Liverpool. 

Recapping the Night: 

NBA:
$300 Bulls -1 -110 (L)
$300 Utah/Memphis over 195.5 -110= Return of $572.73 (W)
$600 Spurs/Pacers over 200.5 -110 (L)
$600 Celtics/Raptors over 199 -110= Return of $1145.45 (W)

NCAAF:
$500 LSU -2.5 -110= Return of $954.55 (W)

Play of the Day:
$1000 LSU/Texas A&M over 49.5 -110= Return of $1909.09 (W)

NCAAF:
$400 Kentucky/Pitt under 52.5 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)
$400 Pitt -4 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)

NFL:
$400 Seahawks +10.5 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)
$400 Seahawks/Saints over 45 -110= Return of $763.64 (W)
$400 Colts/Jets over 44.5 -110 (L)

Play of the Day:
$1000 Jets +3 -130= Return of $1769.23 (W)

Total Wagered: $6300
Total Returned: $9405.61
Total Profit: $3105.61
Total Earned to Date: $14352.43

Contact Info: Moneyhungry45@hotmail.com

May the winners be ours. Taking over the world one step at a time. In case you haven't gotten the memo my name is Julius James and I'm the fucking shit.