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Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The Value in Death
Last night I dreamt my mom died. I'm sure over the course of my 25+ years, I've had a dream like this or similar to this at least 20x in my life but this one was different. It chopped me up into pieces with the vivid images I was receiving. It was a depth of hell I had never entered and in the end it took me to heaven. I was forced to see myself and realize I'm a helpless dude just like everyone else in this world. With death comes a lack of control and I think that was the scariest thing in all of this.
In the dream my mom died, she suffocated somehow. She was working out on a machine or some shit, something slipped cut off her circulation and bam, my life changed. I'm dumbing this down because i don't care to share every detail with the world but it was deep. I was faced with the realization my safety net was gone. Everything I knew or thought I knew was changing. My attitude reflected weakness of an imaginable size, I was no longer myself. My mom died and I was facing challenges I was incapable of completing. This was hell of an epic degree, not because I missed her or the warm cooked meals would no longer be there. I was no longer in control of me, my life had changed forever and I had no one to trust, no one to love, no one to support me in a world where we all need these things. With her dying, everything that made me strong temporarily left my body. This was very real, then I woke up.
I woke up with a new appreciation for everything around me. There are people in this world who are just like my mother. They give me support, they sacrifice themselves, they give me everything they have with interest and I just want to say thank you. When you go, just like this fucked up dream, I go with you. I'll always be some dickhead that talks a lot of shit but deep down I appreciate everything people have done for me in this world and I hope they know who they are. When the routine changes and the world we know, no longer becomes the world we know, we value things. We value things we never witnessed before, we value the truth. We value reality. We value the strength and commitment it takes to be stronger. My mom died in the dream and I became a shred of who I once were. We need each other more than we think. Thank you.