Today I had the pleasure of eating a meal with white people. Trust me you low life niggas, they live the good life. If you want them to love you, which means they'll buy you materialistic shit you don't need but will probably make you feel good, then you have to know how to act. Getting into the inner circle of white folks is the best thing for us black people man they got it all, here's how you do it.
Know what a "serviette" is:
Man this old white lady asked me to pass her a serviette. I've never heard this word in my life. I'm thinking serviette, something to do with service. A fork and knife do great service so I pass her a fork, knife and spoon. She just blankstared me for about 10 seconds then said: " Sorry, I meant napkin dear." Fuck I almost fucked it up but I don't speak french so she understood. Serviette, understand what that shit means.
Realize that white people say "Oh for heavens sake." and it don't mean they're angry.
They kept saying it and I kept wondering why the fuck are these white people so angry for. They aren't it's just there way of communicating anything. "Oh for heavens sake" in white people language means " Laugh my ass off" in our language.
Get in with the older one first and you're good to go.
It's a known fact, they'll act different around you. Like they're trying to accommodate you but you got to understand, they don't communicate with us much so it ends up being like an elephant in the room. White people, when last you had a black person in your crib?...exactly. So you have to make them comfortable. You do this but talking to the oldest person first. She/he is your big ticket, you get in with that person then the whole family accepts you. For example I said: "Damn, you 82 years old, I bet you have a sex tape floating around since the 50s, can I see it? " Man this white lady laughed so hard she started hyperventilating. After that I couldn't get these people to stop serving me, it was great.
Give up, don't make yourself look like an ass:
We're from the hood, we don't eat Lobster. They also had London Broil, I don't eat that stuff, I maybe have had 2 steaks in my life, I'm that black its strictly fried chicken or caribbean food. But man Lobster and London Broil is the hardest shit to eat. They clued on and they did all the work, shorty got all that lobster meat for me, didn't even have to work. As for the London Broil shit, it's alright if you like rich people food but I didn't care for it, took hours to cut so I just kinda threw it away when I went to get seconds. Those potatoes tho...heaven.
Display your knowledge of all things white people like:
Talk bout the following topics: Politics, Hockey, Golf, Reese Whiterspoon, crime, financial investments, Bryan Adams, Leann Rimes, Shawshank Redemption, traveling and Shania Twain, Academy Awards and Desperate Housewives. They'll love you for it.
At the end of the day:
They're fucking weird. But they spend spend spend. Man that girl's mom hooked me up with so much leftovers, booze that they never opened and cookies, I'm good for a long ass time. They're weird alienated people but deep down they're like everyone else, they just haven't showed it in a long time. Don't be ignorant and you could get the good shit too. I've cemented my way onto the Christmas list while you niggas out here waking up on Christmas getting oversized t-shirts from Walmart clearance racks I'm getting expensive meals, liquor and shit you see on tv that you always wanted but can't justify the cost. Like a mini-fridge or a non stick frying pan.
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