Finding my Problem

I finally discovered what my problem was. After the year ended and the 2011 shit show was over I told myself I'm going to make a conscious effort to perceive things differently. I was going to focus on the aspect that I couldn't change things, these were the cards I were dealt and I'd have to make the best out of it. This all lasted about 36 hours and after that I faked it. I started meditating, I started doing yoga, I hit the treadmill thinking all this crap will go away. Then I'm drinking watching UFC in my own home and 4 dudes show up trying to get in the house. It was a harsh reality I needed. I put the shit to home boy's neck and asked him if he was ready to die because I was....

I let the shithead go but that's when it hit me. FUCK POSITIVITY. It's friday night and I'm scrambling to keep these poor ass niggas from getting in my house like they're fucking Somali Pirates and I'm supposed to be positive. Nah fuck that. Fuck this meditation bullshit too I been eating and drinking whatever the fuck I want this week. I feel good on the treadmill so I stick with it but other than that FUCK ALL THE POSITIVE SHIT. I ain't the type to light scented candles and chant and pretend to feel better nah people who want positivity should watch 19 and Counting or Different Strokes and just fuck off. Life is a bad pussy. Stink, disgusting, gangrene type pussy that you're forced to fuck everyday. Then you look around and it appears everyone around you has good pussy so it makes you more mad. You keep thinking tomorrow the pussy will be better but it NEVER IS. 

Unless you got kids who you've invested heavily in, there ain't nothing really great about life externally. You're forced to go to school for 8 hours a day for 17 years of your life learning a bunch of shit. Then you gotta go through more schooling to get a piece of paper. To get a good job that you really don't care for but do it out of a necessity. Then you get married, either you're happy or not, there's grey area with this one I can't really speak on it. While all this is going on, you're sleeping for 25 years, 1/3rd of your life. Plus you want to do bad things like fuck your girl's sister but you're constantly battling that faggot ass voice in your head telling you that you can't. Eventually you die and even though you had some great moments for the most part it was a whole bunch of nothing. Unless you like to drink and do drugs, then it's a different story. How the fuck are you supposed to be positive?

"I got friends and family" Nigga 95% of them don't really give a fuck about you. When it's all said and done you'll meet 10000000 people in your life and throughout your whole entire existence, MAYBE 10 gave a flying fuck about the person you are. Maybe. " I make good money" ya so you could buy more things you don't need. Ask Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, or lottery winners if they're intrinsically happy. Most of them will say no. Life's a padded room in preparation for something else out there. If more people were as negative as my twisted mind shit would get done. Could you imagine if EVERYONE attacked portions of life that they hated. Imagine family members of 9/11 victims standing out there demanding answers. Imagine if all students fed up with rising tuition rates decided to do something about it and just refused school. All undergraduates at all schools in the Manufacturing Belt decided to say FUCK SCHOOL. Positivity teaches us to cope and in return it gets nothing done. Negativity and hatred brings the reality out in every situation, if life were the way everyone portrayed it to be, we'd all be perfect. Negativity reminds us that we aren't perfect, SO FUCK you and your happy selves. I'm out.

Peace.

What Dudes Want in A Girlfriend

I fucking hate everyone. Someone came through with some bruschetta today so I ate it. Now my stomach is on a course of its own. Fuck all y'all healthy faggots. I got drunk the other day while working and part of my job is freelance writing so I was doing some research and saw this: Stupid Ass Article

It was about why men are happy with their girlfriend and blah blah blah. Here's the real reason why men want a girlfriend, dont be fooled by those stupid magazines. 

1) The Future 

If there is no hope in hell of having some sort of future with you, an extended prison sentence I like to call it, then there's no fucking point in getting a girlfriend. 

2) Sex on Demand.

The real reason dudes get girlfriends is basically for the random blowjob. You're having a good day, you're having a bad day, when it's all said and done all a dude wants to do is get blowed. Having someone there to constantly blow you goes a LONG way in life. Trust me men will do anything to get that girl to give him sex on demand. 

3) Food

I know how to cook and I could hold my own but fuck I look like slaving in the kitchen when it's what you were born to do. Every dude wants a warm ass meal now and then, a meal that they didn't have to pay for and one where they don't have to make it themselves. Learn how to cook and you'll have a dude in no time. 

4) Attention

A dude doesn't like attention, but now and then he needs it. He needs to feel significant. I don't know why really but trust me a dude likes to feel like the shit. Girls could make that happen. Other dudes complimenting dudes would just be gay so once again, make that dude feel like King Kong and you're good.

5) Understanding

A dude will never understand another dude, that's for the faggots. A chick might understand a guy. I saw might because as individuals we try to be as complicated as possible. If you could somehow "understand" a dude, you're in. I met 10000 people in my life and I could only think of 3 people that understand me, life's complicated. 

6) To Kill the Boredom.

Fuck you going to do all day? Play ps3 and watch sports. Having a chick slices the boredom in half. You get sex, and hmmmmmmmm more sex. 

7) We exploit females. 

Don't get it confused ALL men exploit females. Nothing better than having a chick eating out your hand (while it lasts). It's that feeling that men want, to take advantage of someone manipulating them with power, control, and an ability to act like they don't give a fuck. 

That's 7 reasons, I could do more but my stomach is FUCKED and then writing this blog I realized how I hate some people in my life LMAO so I'm trying to be nice. Y'all be safe and pray that I win the lottery so I don't have to keep pretending I want a job. I'm out, peace.

Why I Support SOPA

Before I begin I had a "life" moment today where I just reflected. Few years ago I was on a first class flight to Ireland on the brink of a six figure deal with some people. Was happy but naive. Company gets sold, things fell apart, today I'm carrying a fucking faggot ass nightlight to shower so I don't smash into a wall. Been without 90% of the lights in the house because of some electrical issue and all of my shit's sparking and shit. I asked my parents if they're going to call an electrician, they said fuck it we're good, they'll deal with it in a few weeks. How life changes, one minute you're in a first class seat about to make the biggest move of your life, the next you're in complete darkness trying to wash your balls. Insane shit lmao.

So today I seen a big ass uproar over this SOPA/censorship bullshit that I still don't really understand but I don't really care to understand it. The entertainers etc. want to be taken care of and the government is using it as an excuse to censor the internet. This would essentially mean no shit like wikipedia, google, youtube, facebook etc. Granted, this will affect everybody in some fashion, is it really a fucking bad thing? Boo fucking whoo, they take away your facebook friends and you can't watch streams or google things anymore. It's the end of the fucking world. There wasn't ONE dickhead complaining about the NNDA bill which was passed on New Years Eve, when everyone was getting wasted. The NNDA is pretty much a bill that states the gov't could fuck with you for the sake of terrorism. Research it. So they took away your freedom (the freedom that has never existed) on December 31st but because twitter and wikipedia will potentially blow up, everyone is crying. 

The world was better without the internet anyway. Sure it's an attempt by the government to gain more control but who the fuck really cares. When you think about it deeply, is google in anyway shape or form making your life better. Everybody is up in arms about freedom, you were never fucking free. 4 dudes with box cutters supposedly ran the planes into the towers. I'm 5'9 185, ain't no one stopping me with a fucking box cutter. I don't want to go saying shit without evidence but I advise you to look into things like the facts pertaining to 9/11, or even something local. The cops went and beat the shit out of an Autistic man until he died. They just got off here in Toronto. How fucking free are we? But when wikipedia goes down for a day everyone has their awareness in tune to these issues. Go to a fucking library and pick up a fucking book if you want something. I thought deeply about the internet, it gave me great shit, it gave me terrible shit. It is about 90% of my income at the moment but I'm looking to get out of the business anyway, so in all actuality the only thing I'd care about is sports streams and porn. Both of those things I bet I could find somewhere out there. 

All these search engines, this reality we present for ourself, all it does is reduce who we are. We place our power, our strength, our lives in the cusp of a machine and then you take away the machine and people get rattled. Who cares if people lose their jobs, they're still fucking breathing. Who cares if you can't go on facebook and talk to someone you wouldn't give the time of day in "the real world." Everyone is so heavily invested in this shit, if it were to all disappear tomorrow I'd definitely be a different person but it would probably be for the better. Sensory deprivation (in small amounts is a fantastic thing) So let them fucking censor the internet, this forces us to be human again. It forces us to reach levels we are fully capable of, but lets be realistic this bill won't pass and tomorrow you'll get excited when you make a new facebook friend or see some stupid viral video on youtube. I'm out. 

Peace.

The Game of Life (Part 2)

I had a notebook with all this shit written down but this morning I got mad and ripped all that shit up. So now I'll have to try and remember this shit, here goes. 

30-45 years: Here is a good place to be in your life if you know how to use things to your advantage. By this time you have every answer, to everything. Your intuition is on point. Here's the problem: love. Your ovaries and shit going away, those chemical changes are starting to take place. If you have no one, you're facing the fact that you'll spend the rest of your life as a miserable cunt because everyone good is taken (it's true by the way everyone good is taken) So you battle yourself. You rebel against yourself. You call it "midlife-crisis." There is no such thing. Truth is you're just getting older and those wrinkles are getting more visible and to be honest people stop giving a fuck about you. it isn't a crisis, you're just not as relevant as you once were. It's a natural life circle and every 7 years (scientific proof)  you get a new group of friends, interests change blah blah blah. In essence if you have a significant other, you'll argue about dumb shit because you're battling yourself. If you have nobody then you either settle, or you continue living your life with extreme loneliness. Your kids are grown and shit at this point so you don't really give a fuck about them to be honest you're just living to enjoy the last of your good days. This is also the stage where you lie to yourself the most to cover up how much you hate who you really are, the one you discovered.

50-65 years old: Uh oh. That body isn't moving like it used to move. No more reverse cowboy. No more 9 pints and going again the next night. The mind starts to settle. This is a great time to be in your life once again only if your life was worth living. You got a few savings, you earned a few dollars, time to enjoy the finer things in life. Sure they will provide that "temporary high" but you're 55 years old. You accept who you are. You spent a lifetime seeking it, it's finally here. You know you. You accept the things you can't change, you try to make yourself better. The body goes through immense changes and you're well aware that the clock is ticking but you choose to forget about it, you're content. You breathe. You live.

65 years til death: You're either going to really enjoy this time, or really hate it. Fact is, 95 % people hate it and it turns out being the worst times. You'll HATE your kids, that's a guarantee. They are no longer the people you raised. They're grown, probably with kids. You're slower, you're no longer significant, you ARE no longer relevant. I don't care how many parties you attend, you could spend 23 hours a fucking day with friends and loved ones, your life doesn't really mean shit and you know it. You're now a shadow. You're miserable because you hate that feeling. No matter what, time is running out and you couldn't fit everything you wanted to fit into the journey of life. There are still things that bug you, things you got no choice but to go to your grave with. You hate everyone again but in a good way. You hate them for selfish reasons, which makes you feel good deep down. You hate them because they're in the spot light, and your dick doesn't even work. You kick up a fuss and a fight just to feel relevant again, it feels good. Then you're dead. Also a great thing and hopefully you found some spirituality. 

That's life in a nutshell....we're all defendants in a trial of the self but you eventually discover this isn't a trial. Everyone is guilty by default. How we handle this prison sentence dictates who we become in another world, where nothing but the soul matters. I'm out. 

Peace.

The Game of Life

I'm really fucking tired right now, I ain't sleep since the Cowboys won the Superbowl but I had to put this blog out, so appreciate it. I wrote it in a forest at 5am in 2 feet of snow, in the middle of nowhere. What I'm about to say is not universal but applies to 95% of the world, even if I got the minor details wrong, I'm right.

Birth-6 years old: The best part of life. You know nothing, all you do is feel. You control everything, you're an impressionable human being with 2 parents who you view as God. There are no consequences to nothing you do and even if there are consequences, you really don't give a fuck about them because the world views you as "cute." You could do no wrong but at the same time everything you do is right. 

11-19 years old: The "toughest part of your life. People will hate you but the truth is you're right. You have a reason as to why people tell you that you act like you "know everything." See here is what happened. From the moment you came out of your mom's box they loved you. But it goes beyond that, they were your God. You had no real conception about God, your parents were "special." Then there comes a day when you suddenly realize, fuck, these people are just like every other stupid fuck the world has to offer. You reach this stage and you look at your parents and realize that chances are, you're probably smarter than them when it comes to certain things and they misguided you. IT'S FUCKING TRUE. It's natural but true. From birth to about 6 years old, a kid could do no wrong. The parent is God. The parent is treated like God. Then comes this stage where everything falls apart. It was all a big fucking lie. You come to the realization that your mom was sucking 7 dicks in the high school boy's changeroom when she was your age, that's your fucking idol. You don't treat them like God anymore so your parents are mad, they don't treat you as special anymore so you're mad. This stage has unimaginable consequences if not handled the right way. 

ages 20-30: This is the stage where things come together, but not the way you planned. First are the religious debates. Somewhere along the lines you start to wonder, why the fuck am I on earth? So maybe your parents instilled religion and you follow it. Then you got the atheists who say this is it and there's nothing else. Both fucking sides are like 55 year old menopausal women. The religion folks become elitists and start praying to be saved. The atheist folks laugh at those who have faith in religion in that same elitist perception. Why can't everyone believe whatever the fuck they want to believe, or don't believe in anything, and still get along? The answer is simple, neither side has any fucking answer but they both pretend they do for their own sake. 

Another thing happens at this stage. You start to explore relationships. The truth is you WANT to be an individual, you want someone to cater to you, to meet your needs and wants, but only when it is convenient to you. When shit goes wrong, you want the world to feel your wrath, you'll be an individual until the cookie crumbles, then scream "why me." 

Final thought is in this stage you know what you want, you just refuse to accept it. Within 50-250 minutes of meeting your future significant other, you start to formulate a question, is this person the one? YOU KNOW THE ANSWER you just refuse to accept it. It's why people often ask "how many people have you been with?" Regardless what the answer is unless you're blind, you fucking have that ballpark figure in your head. The mind does the answering for you, you just either apply it or you don't. So you try to fit a square into a circle, then when it doesn't fit you cry and get lonely. But you knew all along that the person wasn't the one, you just refused to accept it, because once again you're an INDIVIDUAL. You need to be above everyone else. You can't accept someone for who they are, or accept them for who they ain't. Instead you constantly try to mold, constantly either settle, or set high expectations, then it explodes right in front of your eyes and you act surprised. If it doesn't explode then it says that you listened to yourself....that you trusted that 50-250min. answer I just talked about and it's paying off for you. Even if the person changes later on, once you feel that purity, that intoxication of love, real love, nothing else matters. You want to know if you have real love? Ask the person you're with for their email password, and full access to their texts.....would you agree to that? Would you want them looking at your inbox/textmessages? No this isn't an invasion of privacy, it's a method of showing how true you are, to yourself. Real lovers are able to share those texts/emails because that love is so pure, nothing else matters. It transcends everything else. If you can't trust yourself to give your lover that email password (something so trivial) you think you trust them with your emotions???????

Alright I'll continue tomorrow...

I'm out. Peace.

We Deserve This World

I joke a lot about "faggots" and things like that and will continue to joke but I'm fucking burning up tonight. This kid killed himself, another one. 15 years old, he was gay and simply couldn't take it anymore. At first when you think about it, you could quickly gloss over the situation assuming it's only one person but dig a little deeper and you'll find that suicide is the leading cause of death of people ages 10-22. So another one dies and the school system failed once again. They'll teach you how to read and write but if you're gay, or slightly disadvantaged, you're pretty much fucked. Like I said the last time I wrote a blog on this, I don't blame the kids, that's human nature. See I seen the link to the story and was cool, until someone addressed it as "good." In their own, fucked up, deprived mind, they thought it was good that a gay teen killed himself. 

I'm trying to be nice so I won't get into it too much but the things people say reflect who they are. This is a motherfucking child. For starters, most children don't CHOOSE to be gay. If you seen a three year old male kid playing with barbies and you stop him the first dozen times but he keeps going at it, it's the way his fucking body/mind is made up. I'm no scientist so I got no idea how this shit works but this is something beyond a child saying "hey I choose to like other dudes because I can't get a girl." Man I don't want to get into it, another teen dead, the people in a position of power should be proud and pat themselves on the back. Another one they don't have to worry about. For the people who say it's "good " that he died, if the choice were mine I'd take your kids away and double your mortgage but I ain't got that kind of power so live however you want to, just don't live around me. 

I'm glad for the kid who killed himself though. He's no longer in pain, he's no longer suffering, he no longer has to go to bed each night regretting that we woke up in the morning. An argument I always hear is "parents are raising their kids too soft in this day and age..." Oh? So hold up, in the 80s you had a fucking pedophile with one glove sing all sorts of shit but you let him go because he was the "King of Pop." You had Boy George, people didn't know if he had a dick or a pussy but he was fine. Andy Warhol revolutionized the world. It was fine then but because parents let their kids listen to Lady Gaga and look both ways before crossing the street it's THEIR FAULT? We always been this way. We just refuse to change.

That's why this world fucking sucks. That's why the government fucking owns everybody, and the bank gives it to you up the ass. That's why people get charged all sort of bullshit taxes. It's because people are too fucked up. They look at a CHILD dying and think "good" because he was gay, failing to accept the realization that he had no fucking choice in his orientation. I hope that 1% gains more power because the people I know deserve all the shit they get. Blame the economy, blame the governments, blame the world but until we as HUMANS decide to change the way we think and accept things that are really there, instead of what we think the world ought to be, we will always be powerless. We will always be filled with stress, depression, and sheep to a small group of people who eliminate our individuality and control us all. We're doing a fine job.

Jamie Hubley's last words:

"I hate being the only open gay guy in my school… It f***ing sucks, I really want to end it. Like all of it, I not getting better theres 3 more years of highschool left, Iv been on 4 different anti -depressants, none of them worked. I’v been depressed since january, How f***ing long is this going to last. People said “It gets better”. Its f***ing bull****. I go to see psychologist, What the f*** are they suppost to f***ing do? All I do is talk about problems, it doesnt make them dissapear?? I give up."

Im a casualty of love.

Well, Im tired of life really. Its so hard, Im sorry, I cant take it anymore.

First Id like to mention my friends Nancy, Abby, Colleen, jemma, and Kasia

Being sad is sad : /. I’v been like this for way to long. I cant stand school, I cant stand earth, I cant stand society, I cant stand the scars on my arms, I cant f***ing stand any f***ing thing.

I dont want my parents to think this is their fault either… I love my mom and dad : ) Its just too hard. I dont want to wait 3 more years, this hurts too much. How do you even know It will get better? Its not.

I hit rock f***ing bottom, fell through a crack, now im stuck.

My favorite singers were lady gaga , Adele , Katy perry, and Jessie james, Christina aguilara and most of all I think KASIA!!! I LOVED Singing, and she helped me a lot : ) Im not that good at it though :”/, Im going to miss you guys

(well You know who you are, But to the people who didnt like me (many) A big f*** you, Go ride a unicorn. But w/e I love you anyway.)

Remember me as a Unicorn :3 x) MAybe in my next life Il be a flying squirreel :D

See you in heaven nigga. I'm out, Peace.

I Need A Wife

So let me explain to you what has happened. Over the holidays I went really crazy. Between the crap I did, the alcohol, the food, I needed a good detox. Now my boy told me there's this thing called "magnesium citrate" and basically it cleans you out. I'm thinking perfect so I hit the drug store with dude, buy a few bottles and come home. Before I took it though I checked on wikipedia "overdose could cause coma leading to a fatality." I'm like dude what the fuck, the bottle says only take a quarter of it. Home boy said "nooooooo you have to drink a bottle and a half" Who am I going to listen to? Doctors or a black dude without his highschool diploma? Of course the latter. 

So I down a bottle and a half and the fireworks began. It's still going on for the record. I've had weird hallucinations, I've had heat flashes, my hands are freezing but the rest of my body is warm, I think I'm alright but this is the last straw. I'm sitting here devising a plan, I need to get married in 3-4 years. I am the most irresponsible fucker on the planet and while a lot of people get married for love, I'll do it for the tax benefits and some control in my life. I'm dead serious too, I've lived a good life, time to start the prison sentence by age 26-27, that's a good time. I'm out here dying cause uneducated fucks are guiding me. Chicks never steered me wrong in the past. Well they did but there were benefits to it all so here's what I need in a wife:

- enough money so I could drink Perrier water. I'm tired of bottled water and tap water. From now on I want to drink exclusively Perrier water. Economic stability means a lot to me because it provides me with freedom I need to be great, so you gotta have some cash ladies.

- Anti-social. The fewer the friends the better. I ain't one for big groups and shit nah fuck that trust me the less friends and shit you got, the better you cherish things about yourself and the ones you have. 

- Know how to cook. Food is my life. Make it happen.

- A hot friend who we could fuck before we have kids. Realistic, no? 

- Openess. I'm as open as they come because not being open has fucked me in the past. If our relationship ain't open then you'll be surprised when you find a random set of tits in my phone and I dunno who they came from. Openess.

-Head. I need head like 3x a day, non-negotiable unless you're mad at me, I'll reduce it to 2.

-Babysitter. Truth is I'm somewhat out of control and you have to have those babysitting qualities. Don't blame me lmao it ain't my fault.

-Same music tastes. If I come home and you're listening to "LMFAO" or "Pitbull" then I'm going to rip up all your clothes and throw your jewelry in the toilet.

-Honest. Truth is I'm not going to be honest at times, I'll lie because girls are insane and I don't want to deal with it. You can't do that though tell the truth and you'll realize it only benefited us

Now in return here's everything I'll give you, my future wife: 

I won't cheat on you. 

I'm out. Peace.