So let me explain to you what has happened. Over the holidays I went really crazy. Between the crap I did, the alcohol, the food, I needed a good detox. Now my boy told me there's this thing called "magnesium citrate" and basically it cleans you out. I'm thinking perfect so I hit the drug store with dude, buy a few bottles and come home. Before I took it though I checked on wikipedia "overdose could cause coma leading to a fatality." I'm like dude what the fuck, the bottle says only take a quarter of it. Home boy said "nooooooo you have to drink a bottle and a half" Who am I going to listen to? Doctors or a black dude without his highschool diploma? Of course the latter.
So I down a bottle and a half and the fireworks began. It's still going on for the record. I've had weird hallucinations, I've had heat flashes, my hands are freezing but the rest of my body is warm, I think I'm alright but this is the last straw. I'm sitting here devising a plan, I need to get married in 3-4 years. I am the most irresponsible fucker on the planet and while a lot of people get married for love, I'll do it for the tax benefits and some control in my life. I'm dead serious too, I've lived a good life, time to start the prison sentence by age 26-27, that's a good time. I'm out here dying cause uneducated fucks are guiding me. Chicks never steered me wrong in the past. Well they did but there were benefits to it all so here's what I need in a wife:
- enough money so I could drink Perrier water. I'm tired of bottled water and tap water. From now on I want to drink exclusively Perrier water. Economic stability means a lot to me because it provides me with freedom I need to be great, so you gotta have some cash ladies.
- Anti-social. The fewer the friends the better. I ain't one for big groups and shit nah fuck that trust me the less friends and shit you got, the better you cherish things about yourself and the ones you have.
- Know how to cook. Food is my life. Make it happen.
- A hot friend who we could fuck before we have kids. Realistic, no?
- Openess. I'm as open as they come because not being open has fucked me in the past. If our relationship ain't open then you'll be surprised when you find a random set of tits in my phone and I dunno who they came from. Openess.
-Head. I need head like 3x a day, non-negotiable unless you're mad at me, I'll reduce it to 2.
-Babysitter. Truth is I'm somewhat out of control and you have to have those babysitting qualities. Don't blame me lmao it ain't my fault.
-Same music tastes. If I come home and you're listening to "LMFAO" or "Pitbull" then I'm going to rip up all your clothes and throw your jewelry in the toilet.
-Honest. Truth is I'm not going to be honest at times, I'll lie because girls are insane and I don't want to deal with it. You can't do that though tell the truth and you'll realize it only benefited us
Now in return here's everything I'll give you, my future wife:
I won't cheat on you.
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