A life changing experience.

The following is a purely fictional account of what went down, if I were to take 5 hits of LSD, my first experience. We walked and walked, I remember the bus stop, those judgmental eyes. Everyone was staring at me but it didn't pain, it didn't hurt, for what felt like an eternity I simply didn't care. We enter the room and I decide that I want to document all of my thoughts. On twitter, on facebook, everywhere, I want the world to experience what I'm about to experience. It told me to stop, to told me that I would never understand. It explained the theory of evolution for me and what it means. It told me I wasn't good enough, over and over again. I wasn't good enough to form opinions. I wasn't good enough to judge anyone. It showed me some of the most painful images, everything from Hitler to people I've long despised. I was forced to live a lifetime in there eyes. I was forced to see demonic images of myself, there wasn't heaven or hell, this was me. This was my ego, my ways. I saw Rebecca (a loved one that past away). She told me " I spent a year with you and this is the person you've become. It was all in vein." I begged her to stay, I said I was sorry. She told me it didn't matter, I was going to inflict pain on others. I have never in my life been so hurt by something that appeared to be so real. She told me the year I spent with her was a gift, a reminder that I wanted to be everything she was. Everything I saw in her during our relationship, she had given to me as a gift. She told me I pissed it all away, that she was disappointed in me, that she wasted her time with me. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but all I could say was "thank you." Then, "it" kept reminding me again and again that we are all one. I'm no different than my mother, my worst enemy, my greatest friend. I begged "it" to keep me in this state forever, I spoke to it. I want to see what you see, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But it kept laughing, telling me that time didn't matter. The clocks move, it's now 8:45pm, soon it will be 8:46pm...but what does it matter. It told me that when I came back down I would be judged, I would be ridiculed, I would be tortured. Then I got to see, in the past, how I did those things I just mentioned to people I BARELY knew. If I did something as trivial as posting screen shots to a group of strangers, imagine how I treat "loved" ones. It gave me the future, this was the best part. I've been struggling greatly with the idea of being alone forever, of sleeping in the same bed for the rest of my life. Instead, I got to saw fonts and colours of things so beautiful I will never be able to describe. I saw the future, I saw versions of Iphones with an unimaginable amount of numbers. I saw the way my current phone "is supposed to look." I kept asking "it" if I can stay here. It told me no, again and again and again. Then again some more. You're not good enough, you're exactly like them, you're no different. I saw my mom's judgement and realized I disregard people's feelings because I feel as though I have rights. I feel as though I'm privileged, I have a sense of entitlement. It kept showing me how I continuously kick people in the real world (Im dumbing this down...it was a lot worse than kicking.) I kept saying "Aaron don't do this, don't do that...looking at my past trying to warn myself, it kept telling me "it's too late." You'll do the same thing over and over and over and over. I kept talking to "it" but you warned me, you told me to love. "It" showed me the harshest things, telling me I was going to do it regardless. The message was CLEAR. I am the cause of my pain because I refuse to listen. It took me into the future again, deep into the future. I saw text messages that came out the phone, I went into the depths of loneliness and felt connected. I was connected to my mother, my brother, everyone because they were a part of me. Sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, I begged it take me with "it". I begged "it" please let me stay, it kept saying no, you'll do it again and again. Over and over again, I was judged. I was criticized, I was  ridiculed, but I didn't feel pain. I felt like saying sorry. I felt like saying sorry for everything I ever did wrong. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. I felt so fucking humble. I have never in my life experienced an ounce of humanity. Then it showed me, everything this "trip" showed me, I have been told "sober." But I didn't listen, just like "it" told me. I didn't listen because I was going to do the same thing again and again. Tomrrow, one thousand years, 10 thousand years. I saw dead relatives, I saw the future, this was ALWAYS the best part. I saw everything in the years 205555. I saw how our world was shaped, I understood religion, I understood the theory of evolution, I saw Pi. I saw a premature society fueled with wars. I saw how great the future was, I saw myself again and again. 


Note: this describes 0.0000000000000001% of what I saw. "it" told me at the beginning I wasn't going to be able to ever explain it. They were right no matter how hard I tried. All in all Id say it lasted 12-15 hours, I didn't sleep all night. I wanted to cry but tears didn't come. I wanted to laugh and I did, over and over. I was no longer in my body, the simplest tasks like getting up to pee took an eternity. I was forced to see how I try and beg people for sympathy, yet offer none to nobody. This is everything I ever imagined x 1 trillion. and yet such an experience I feel as though I haven't earned the right to experience another in a long time. I feel as though I've been given a harsh reminder that to be human is to make mistakes. Regardless of the outcome, I'll hurt myself again, tomorrow. Then I'll expect to be treated different, like how I spent an eternity, asking "it" for me to stay. Over and over. 

I understood love, I understood pain, I understood purity. I feel at peace, I have no anxiety, I feel so much in control I have never in 24 years felt this way, not a jealous bone in my body. I feel so fucking insecure right now it feels so fucking good. I don't have to lie, I don't have to cheat, I don't have to appeal to anyone. No one needs to feel my pain or feel 'sorry" for me (a big part of this trip appealed to this notion). I feel so good. 

I felt it was my duty to try and share what came of this experience. I feel as though I am robbing you all of the truth because what I just typed is so little of what I just saw. I can't describe the end for you, I won't even begin to try. I saw things so powerful, particularly near the end, that sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, my love for my family didn't matter, my ex girlfriends didn't matter, nothing did. It was perfection. 

Thank you for listening to my words, take it however you want to take it, enjoy. and remember, like I said, purely fictional. 

Pure Greatness

I could barely keep my eyes open so before I begin I could already tell this is going to suck but I'm sick and had a bad day, writing compensates. It's Saturday night, I'm being a sober faggot, staying in and playing with my dick. I'm in a bad mood because I ordered wings and ordered some weak sauce. If you order wings and it aint the hottest thing on the menu then you're a inferior bitch. So on Satuday, clearly I was an inferior bitch, then, as I was about to turn on the ps3 and swan dive into the depths of pathetic-loserism, greatness occurred. Me and shorty known each other for a minute now but we had a BAD "break-up" in November. I was drunk, she was irrational, bad combination. The fact that I react to irrational behavior in the worst way possible didn't make matters worse, to make a long story short it ended with "dont ever talk to me again"...."cool, go die bitch". Something to that effect. 2.5 months later, and this is what I get. She hits me up, "so how are you enjoying the game".

WHAT game I been playing ps3 for 4 fucking days like a faggot. "the hockey game.." I been around this world 23 years and everybody knows I don't know about hockey...we talk a bit more and I'm not biting, I don't know what's up and I figure it'll lead to another fight....then she drops it. See for yourself. "so I just wanted to see what's up." Oh? Man I love my life. And this is why women are everything in this world (despite being insane, born without logic, irrational, insensible). That's loyalty you dick sucking faggots. That's someone who sees underneath the torture and pain there's something. That's a real woman, she knows what she wants.

Now I'll get in shit for writing this but if more reached out like she did, the world would be a better place. Instead you got grown ass men writing other grown ass men break up texts using hashtags in them. Who raised you niggas? Not subbing that dude either, but a lot of yall are built softer than the finest pussy in this world. Last on the train type dudes. Dudes who do the Gangham style dance and laugh at themselves. The world gets softer every second. god bless those who value loyalty and happiness above all.

Goodnight ( I aint editing this and my brain is shutting off so this might not even make sense)

Forgetting Who We Are

Let's take it back to last night. Tom Brady, Sir Tom, the immaculate, the man who could do no wrong had a "meh" game. When your name is Tom Brady, "meh" isn't good enough. Let's call a spade a spade he's been "meh" for years now, particularly in the post season. But every time that ball got swatted away, every time he had that dumbfounded, sulking look on his face; The arguable greatest player of all time seemed to be missing something. I couldn't help but notice that as the game progressed and hope started slipping away for the New England Patriots, this thing he was missing because more evident. I thought about this for a while and then I came up with the answer. Tom Brady is missing his fucking dick. He forgets he's a motherfucking man. He forgets he's a player in one of the most barbaric, masculine, superior sports in the world. Tom Brady has forgotten about his gender. The dumb fuck is posing in ads wearing female boots and people seem to think this is okay. But then I look at today's generation and this isn't a problem for Tom, this is an issue with many people.

A lot of men forgot they were men. Instead they want to cater to women, wear unisex clothing, but most importantly, they want to be sensitive little fucks. Skin made of marshmellow, men are no longer men. They are reduced, sensitive pieces of shit, fighting without a cause. Arguing without meaning. Tom Brady wears Uggs and most men are busy following women around dressing like faggots and listening to Scrillex. Fuck you and fuck everything you represent. I'd die for what I believe in with the biggest smile on my face, I stand for something, regardless if you think I'm right or wrong, my life has meaning. I produce things. I ejaculate billions of particles of basis on a daily basis. I value myself, my time, my energy, I value me. I know what it is to be a man, I know how to treat a woman, I know when to give them 3 strokes of this heavenly cock and have them satisfied. I know when to tell them to shut their bitch asses up and leave me the fuck alone. I'm not lost. 

How many people could say that? It's 2013 and every day I see people more and more like Tom. You're men, incapable of making your own decisions, your life becomes centered around vagina. Before you know it you're eating Mint Chocolate chip ice cream and texting women about the Bachelor while she fucks a dirty mechanic with grease under his nails. You're content with being in the friendzone, that's a sign of where we're headed as men. Men forgot that they are men. They're scared to let those voices heard, instead they want to wear button up sweaters with toques and consider themselves "fashionable" or "cultured". Fuck you and your fashion I'm from the hood I got 6 clean Polo Tees and 2 Pairs of Levis and I'm good with that. Men like Snoop Dogg are now walking around with french manicures. This is who you have become. Walking vaginas. Those veins pump cotton candy, that heart is made of cotton, your blood is soft, your filled with insecurities and your mother questions your sexual orientation. Don't have your mother thinking she raised a daughter. I'm just here to help. 

It's 2013, drop the act, grab your balls and sling some dick in these streets. It's what god wants us to do, it's only right. 

Goodnight. 

Reality Isn't All It's Made Out To Be

Every time I try to speak that optimistic bullshit that supposedly is supposed to help you live a better life, I feel different. I feel like I'm in someone else's skin, wearing someone else's shoes. Fuck that, that ain't me and I got a new adviser who promises to make sure I stay out of legal trouble. In other words I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I feel and if you feel like it's directed to you, then it probably is. I been sober for 20 days now and I can't tell you how fucking gay this is. If it weren't for health, Id be drunk 7 days a week, 8 hours a day. I'm supposed to feel enlightened and better about myself, fuck that, alcohol is so pure a human could never compare. Regardless of how he felt in the end, George Best did things the right way. Reality isn't all it's made out to be, it's a carefully constructed interpretation of how you see the world, not how the world really is. 

The world is filled with cunts. Vitrol. Cancer. Bacteria  We don't inherit these things, we create it. We act in our own interests with a failure to see anything but how we want to see it. Then when things go wrong we blame other people because we're fucking pussies incapable of admitting we're not perfect. And that's where the problem lays. Because those who do give a flying fuck, those who do care, those who exert every molecule/brain cell/whatever big word fits, those who give their all to make the world a better place, they end up like the girl in the picture. Dead. She's been forgotten by most but those eyes, the perfect smile, the life, I see it, or at least think about it everyday.  Everybody in this world supposedly got a big dick and perfectly happy with their life. Happiness doesn't exist, this isn't nirvana, it's a perception. Happiness is what you perceive to be pleasurable. It's temporary, it comes it goes, it's like pain. Bunch of bitch made pussies infest the world, and the "Angels" those that have done good, they're gone. They're forgotten, it's dying, technology killed it, we killed it. 

Whatever is good that's left in this world is dying. We're becoming more and more obsessed with Smart Phones and Tablet computers because it gives us some false security bullshit. Once again, exemplifying how much of a pussy you are, that you need some computer to make you feel better about your bitch-ass life. It's a cold world we're living in . It promises to get colder. Tomorrow when you get up and tweet/text/or email about how you hate Mondays and how everyone is out to get you and how everyone hates you and you're fat and want to lose weight and want to accumulate more wealth and your IPAD freezes up and it frustrates you to no end. Yea, when all those thoughts enter your mind and you choose to burden those around you with your own filth, I want you to look at the picture of that girl. Those eyes. That life, it's something you'll never reach. Humanity. 

Goodnight.

Tuesday the 20th.

Last Tuesday I realized something. Starring at a mirror (like it always happens) I realized I was a cunt. I realized I had been living roughly 10 months in misery, self pity, self-inflicted pain, torture, the works. Things don't always go as planned as we all know but for one reason or another, in my life when they don't, I have a strong tendency to self-destruct, or seemingly self-destruct.  If I spent 10 months pissing time away like this because of things I can't change, because I'm too weak to deal with things I had no control over, then clearly I have a lot of making up to do. To myself and to time. Now a "normal person" would say tomorrow is a new day and start making changes. If there's one thing you could get from this is that I'm not normal. I gave myself 5 days. 5 days of alcohol, mind altering substances, torture, self-destruction, the most unhealthy foods you could imagine. 5 days of all things negative spanning from Toronto to Ohio (where I carefully planned this behavior ending). 10 months wasn't enough, I wanted 5 more days. 5 more days to unleash a vigorous but carefully executed path to destruction. I ended friendships, I fought everyone including myself, I put my stomach, mind, body, soul, all through torture in an effort to leave it in Ohio. 

The plane departs from Hopkins and I could barely move. My body numb from ingesting chewing tobacco the night before. My head hurts, my legs can't move, there aren't enough words in the human dictionary to compensate for this feeling. People are upset at me, people want me hurt, people want me destroyed, but my mind is in full motion. "Pink Matter" is blaring from the I-Phone on this 38 minute flight, and it's time to get this party started. This was all carefully executed as I mentioned before, I know what I'm doing. Sure I didn't cater to the whole ingesting tobacco thing, I didn't cater on wishing death on people but it was all carefully executed. On that plane I was the lowest human being who ever lived, by my own doing, on purpose. In order to feel happiness one has to experience insurmountable pain. In order to feel pleasure one has to know what "gross" feels like. To appreciate life, one has to walk through miles of death, miles of torture, miles of sorrow to truly appreciate what is out there. Therefore if I spent the last 10 months walking through my own hell, that I created because I wanted to compensate for things I have no control over, then surely I could spend the next 100 months appreciating everything around me. 

Every human interaction is carefully designed. I don't want to say "God" because my God and your God aren't the same, but there are indescribable things in this world that just sometimes fall into place. I was never lost, I never had a more difficult life than everyone else, I never went through hell. I just made myself belief these things. Hell is when you're incapable of loving, incapable of making someone love you. Incapable of moving, incapable of experiencing anything beyond the most toxic of emotions. That is not me. I'm far from hell but like I said, when you walk through your own filth, you find a deep appreciation for your own beauty and the beauty around you. I left my pain in Cuyahoga county. Let's see where this gets me. 

Stay tuned. 

Don't Disturb Me When I'm Eating my Lunch Bitch

Blog got a new look, I'd ask for feedback but I don't give a FUCK about your feedback so if you don't like it suck a dick lmao. Today one of my boys told me he's making Clam Chowder at his restaurant, I work about 10 minutes away so in typical black fashion I raced over there. I never had clam chowder before, it's dope kind of like cream of wheat for white people. Anyway, so I'm sitting down drinking my Caesar and watching tv. There's some old looking dyke next to me. She's arguing with Rogers Cable because she can't pay her bull. In my mind I'm thinking, you can't pay your bill but you're at a bar at 1:15pm on a Monday morning. About 20 minutes later my fries (yes I got fries with the chowder) arrived and I was enjoying my meal. The bitch gets off the phone and starts telling me how she's suicidal, suffers from clinical depression and she's showing me scars of where she just to bang herself with pots and pans in the head and shit.

Bitch I'm trying to enjoy my fries, leave me the fuck alone but I just keep to myself, nod a few times, then continue eating. She then starts talking about how the city has no resources, she's called the suicidal hotline multiple times "they put you on hold for an hour." GOOD bitch it's because you deserve to die but I'll get into that shortly. At this point I had enough and I'm just dreaming of Kate Upton and I got Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" in my head, I'm trying everything I possibly could to make this all go away. She continues: "they tell me I'm an alcoholic but I only drink beer, I don't drink wine, vodka, rum nothing, just beer. Then she tells me she has a degree in engineering. At this point I've had enough. Let's analyse this.  You only drink beer so you could never be an alcoholic? What in the fuck? That's like saying "I'm not addicted to smoking because I only smoke Belmonts" though as the conversation continued I could tell this bitch just wanted sympathy. 

Yes, maybe something traumatic has happened in her past and yes maybe she's disadvantaged from a minor cognitive area but she just wants the world to feel sorry for. Your ass got up and decided to visit a bar, YOU made that choice stop blaming everyone else. You could see the scars all on her hands where she cuts herself, I'm kind of hoping she completes the job, people like that are just taking my free air and wasting it. You can't help people like them. It's the world's fault she can't get off her dyke ass and work a 9-5 because she suffers clinical depression. It's the world's fault she can't afford the blackberry she owns because she's suicidal. If I had a gun I swear on everything I love I'd give it to her and ask her to make sure she completes the job this time around. 

No bitch, the hotline is not responsible for your life. Your case workers are not responsible for your life. Get them fake tears the fuck out of here. Society just got millions of people like this who blame everyone else because they're fucked up. Do something about it, or drink bleach. That should be the motto heading into 2013. If you want to die, do it properly. No one should have to deal what I had to go through today. Eating delicious food and being burdened by someone who takes no accountability in their life. You chose to let that clinical depression take the best of you. You chose to drink. You chose to use fucked up logic pertaining to your alcoholism. Make the world a better place and take control of your actions or die trying. 

I'm tired so I ain't even going to proofread this one. Support the links at the top. Peace.

If you don't know ODB is, you need to re-evaluate your life. 

Obesity and Perceptions

Before I get into it I got to share this personal accomplishment with yall. You would be so proud of me. For the last 3 weeks I've been trying to piss and effectively shake without spilling and not touching my dick with my hands. I could come to you with confidence when I say: I can now piss without holding my dick. Don't ask me how I managed to come up with this idea or how I even accomplished this, but I did. So this morning while I'm drinking my kale shake, I'm watching my future wife Robin Meade on headline news as I do every morning. They cut to this segment from Wisconsin, hear this out.

So a Wisconsin newscaster, pictured above, is obviously obese. Someone wrote her an email criticizing her, admittedly harshly, for being a fat ass. The fat bitch with no neck, as you can see, then gets on the news and addresses the letter. She basically spends a good 5 minutes calling him a bully and she took the "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN ANGLE." Now she's getting overwhelming support and at first I didn't give a fuck but this fat bitch with no neck needs to be put in her place. Whoever wrote her that letter, thank you, you probably saved a life or two. Instead of accepting the way we are, sometimes we need to change it. As you can tell she's weighing a good 250lbs+, that ain't good for nobody. She's the type to go to Walmart and buy about 5 large Cokes and go wild, then eat a big ass bag of chips. For starters, imagine what her box smells like with all that filth going in her body, that can't be good.


Lastly, bitch you're fat and you need to be made aware of that fact. You get on tv everyday and millions of people potentially see you, what does that say about society? When you're obese the fact is, you're poisoning yourself. You got a clogged heart (oh and she's diagnosed with diabetes)...what does that say to the kids Miss Fat Ass? That it's okay to be obese and you could make it on tv and have a decaying ass heart? The world is facing an epidemic because healthy food (trust me I know) costs 900% more at the same caloric intake than unhealthy foods. It needs a fundamental shift but instead you got weak and fat motherfuckers defending themselves. There's nothing to defend. You're a fat, disgusting, and weak human being and statistically speaking the world would flourish from an economic and probably evolutionary standpoint if you were dead. Those are facts. If you're obese, you're a walking ass toxin and as you can see, she don't even have a neck. The smart thing to do would be if she stood there and apologized for failing her own family her own self and promising to work hard and set an example for the kids. As opposed to Mrs. Jennifer Livingston going up there and talking about bullies. Bitch shut the fuck up and owe it to yourself to make the right choices instead of deflecting the blame to others. You're fat and disgusting, fact. Fix it or die at an early age because of your need for twinkies. It's as simple as that.

I'm out.

If you ever watched a full episode of the Big Bang Theory, your life is shit.