This Morning, Shit got Real

You probably don't know this but this Kale shit takes a long time to make for a day's supply. You have to cut up cucumbers, apples, celery and shit like some health freak, it takes like 25 minutes. So today I'm running late in the morning but I make the Kale, down 2 glasses and I have like 3 minutes to jerk off before I leave for work. I pop one off QUICK to some British amateur porn on xvideos and I run out the door. I get in the car and as I turn the corner it hit me, I gotta take a pee. I tell myself fuck it, I'm already late, I work 26 km from home, on a good day I'll make it there in 25, on a bad day I'll make it in 50 minutes, I could hold it. Now, if you know me, you know I got a weak ass bladder. I wouldn't even compare it to a woman, it's something akin to a 2 yr old. People keep telling me to get it checked out and I did, they told me it was something to do with genetics. Fuck my bitch ass genes.

Anyway, back to the story so I need to take a piss but it ain't even serious. I hit the DVP and I got Arcade Fire blasting through the speakers. It's a Thursday morning, the sun is out, it's payday, I'm feeling good. As I'm driving it's obvious I need to pee but no worries, I'm only 20 minutes away from work. Then I hit the Gardiner Expressway. Shit was backed up from Jarvis. I still have another 11km to go and this shit is not moving at all. Now shit's getting real, my legs start shaking. I turn the music off and tell myself that faggot ass music they play in the radio will take my mind off it. I stopped praying to based god, I started praying to Kate Upton. So here I am on the Gardiner begging Kate Upton to let me make it to work and I got the AC on FULL blast, it's like 8 degrees outside. Then I hear Big Sean on a Justin Bieber song say " us, trust, a couple things I can't spell without u" LMAO I'm crying my plan is backfiring cause now I really want to pee. Then he says "the grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it" and now tears are streaming down my face. Those shitty ass rap lines have me crying. I'm about to explode. There is no shoulder on the Expressway so at this point Im just begging to make it the last 4kms. I know I can't make it to the office but I figure I could get to the lot without exploding.

Finally the fucking stalled vehicle that was causing the traffic is gone and I'm going 130/km just begging Kate Upton, let me make it to the lot. I get to the lot, whip out a bottle I had (cause there's cameras everywhere) and proceed to piss while still driving. Now, this ain't the first time I pissed in a bottle and it probably won't be the last. But there's something so dope about this feeling. It's so liberating. You see the shit filling up and your body is releasing all that urine and it feels just as good as getting head. I'm feeling good as fuck, my door wide open, my dick out and the morning fresh air keeping me alive. Then I noticed an Asian lady staring at me in awe. She just stood there, lifeless, staring at me in this euphoric state. Eventually she fucked off and 3 minutes later I grabbed another bottle and was still pissing. We need to make this a movement, the shit feels so good, I advise everyone to piss in a bottle when you can, it's the right way to live.

I'm out.

If you never made out with a fat chick, you ain't living right.