Back like I never left: Crying Season

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List I wrote to myself

To make a long story short I'm writing this letter to myself in an effort to become a better human being. I really don't feel like sharing this but some part of me feels as if I have to. This is pretty gay but I listen to my intuition and decided to post this.Whatever, enjoy or don't enjoy just fuck off lmao.

Steps I need to take to become a better human being. 

1) Drink less and write down in a calendar every time you get drunk 
2) Start showing more of who you are on social networks, the negative perception hurts more than you know
3) Visit Rendell's grave at some point this year
4) Stop trying to differentiate all the fucking time, just stop 
5) Conduct yourself with way more class
6) Be comfortable 
7) Visit Ma and Papi's grave in Trinidad at some point this year
8) Stop with the altercations and confrontations
9) Read more
10) Put down the phone
11) Spend more time soaking it all in, you dont do this nearly enough
12) Muster up the courage to go and get a full physical this year
13) Try acupuncture and naturopath
14) Stop hurting everyone who gets close to you, it shows your insecurities
15) Stop being annoying when drunk, the drunk texting needs to stop it hurts more than it helps.
16) When someone gets you angry (which is everyday) do not respond or react to anyone for 5 minutes. 300 seconds is a rule you need to apply, if you're still hurt/upset/angry after that time frame then act accordingly 
17) Give more back 
18) Value your father's opinion more. 
19) Set an example for Lil, he should want to be who you are, only better
20) Drink 1 big glass of green tea once a day
21) Check blood pressure bi-weekly
22) Weigh yourself bi-weekly
23) Lie less
24) DO NOT try and get sympathy from anyone, at anytime, use your friend's advice more.
25) Consider hiring a financial consultant at the end of the year
26) Realize that even though you feel as though you are never wrong, people are right more than you give them credit for 
27) Do not wake up after 8am, ever. Go to sleep early if you have to
28) Find positive ways to hurt those that hurt you. Revenge is sweet when you can prove people wrong, that's where a lot of questions get answered
29) Do not exert energy if you feel in your heart that the person/thing isn't worth it
30) Try to spend more times acting in ways that produce positive results
31) Dedicate at least 40 minutes of your life, bi-weekly, to writing letters on http://www.postpals.co.uk/
32) You lost some of your ways, find them
33) Remember you'll get what you put in + interest
34) Try and work harder while at work 
35) Remember your days are numbered but that's okay, you get them back + interest
36) Demand only the best from yourself from the day you wake up. There needs to be progress
37) Realize that life is great, when you don't realize this, it's because YOU did something wrong 
38) Cut people slack
39) Go back to being more selfless
40) Your mistakes occurred for a reason, realize that. 
41) Drop the hate in your heart when it comes to Jana
42) Keep the hate in your heart when it comes to Lindsay but use it wisely 
43) Drink at least 5 kale shakes a week
44) Stop finding ways to get home quicker, there's value in a commute
45) Stop trying to make everyone unhappy, because you're unhappy
46) You'll make the same mistakes over and over and over, but you'll get it right eventually, we all do.
47) At some point find the courage and time to read the letter Rebecca wrote to you
48) Stop finding ways to destroy what people have helped you built
49) There are people that you treat like shit who don't deserve it, stop it
50) Stop eating chips
51) Go back to New Orleans or somewhere in December, you deserve it
52) Try and spend more time with dad
53) By the end of the year run 4 miles in under 30 minutes or at least give it 50 serious attempts
54) Walk more 
55) Stop being a dick
56) Play more basketball this summer
57) Work to be better with the job, you settle far too much and it's your fault
58) Make them proud 
59) Try and take up baking again, you loved the sense of accomplishment, you should want more of that
60) Don't drink every week, even in the summer, it isn't worth it.
61) Find 5 places where you want to live, set a price, work towards the downpayment
62) Spend more time thanking your friends, you're worse than you know 
63) Maybe take up fishing or something to do with nature
64) Enjoy this summer, remember what it felt like in November
65) Think about the future more
66) Love again, you forgot what it feels like to receive, you no longer know how to give
67) Spend at least 3 hours a week trying to build up Sweet Delights 
68) Stop jacking off so much, it has a negative feeling at times
69) Be you, don't ever fucking forget where you came from and who helped you along the way, ever 
70) Maybe take up more juicing, like wheatgrass and stuff, if it's something you want
71) Don't change for nobody, only you. 
72) There are much better ways to use your voice than you're currently using it
73) Stop thinking about 24 as being the beginning of the end, you ain't even reach the start line yet
74) Before you go to bed, say "it's all good" 3x, every night that you can remember
75) You're in control, of everything, remember that
76) Say "please" more
77) Dont forget the way you were raised, life is good always
78) There's always someone better than you in this world, remember that every morning
79) You're a great person with many ways that are pieces of shit, curable 
80) Stop fighting Eesh
81) Smile more

Random Thoughts

- I'm starting to see value in things I never saw before
- I can finally drink in moderation. Moderation isn't the key to life but I figured life out. There is no key. 
-Pain lasts forever, happiness doesn't. Weird but true. 
-We pay and get a return on every investment. Everything is accounted for. God is an accountant, a good one. 
-If I had true proof God didn't exist I'd kill myself in more ways than I can count.
-All these years, I under estimated sleep.
-There's no point to physical exercise if your mind refuses to work out.
-I wonder what was going through Bon Iver's mind when he wrote "For Emma" 
-I'm a lover of harsh realities but the one the Yankees are currently presenting is one that is not needed.
-My vices are getting a bit too expensive 
-"Friends" is a vague term, with that said, I love the very few I consider to call my friends.
-I now live in a time where men want to be women and women forget what it means to be a women
-Change doesn't ever correlate to better, it correlates to different.
-I need to fix my life but general laborers are so difficult to get a hold of. 
-All-inclusive anything is for the faggots.
-I get a cheap thrill when people disagree with me, I love to argue.
-I find peace in lying.
-I alter with this view but I don't think I'm at fault with anything to be honest, the world is. It's not me it's people. That may change.
-NCAA sucks
-I need to make it back to New Orleans this year, it's an absolute necessity. 
-Spicy foods used to make me feel good, not so much any more
-"Wolf" is a great album
-Insecurities simply display truths, if you're worried about something, it's because it's true and you're in denial. If you're insecure about you
-Says a lot when the majority of the world is insecure.
-I don't have an ego I just pretend to have one
-I got issues with truth
-I got issues with olives
-Leslie Mann is seriously underrated, absolutely stunning as well
-I try to fall in love at least 45x a year, as you can see it's working out for me. 
-Living without the fear of consequences has its setbacks
-There's value in strangers. 
-Me and #4 on Michigan have the same size of tits
-The Jays were who I thought they were (stupid people won't get that)
-"Meant to be like passing Beyonce a tic-tac" might be the single greatest line in hip hop ever
-I could use new music from Arcade Fire
-Emoticons/Emojis make the world go around
-Healthy living is for the faggots
-Pretentiousness might be a disease 
-What Cohen saw when he wrote "Hallelujah" might now be extinct. 
-"Why doesn't anyone understand me?" -7 billion humans
-"Why do I want what I can't have?" - 7 billion humans
-Everything needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
-In my life time a 6 is always greater than a 9
-I want to do a colonoscopy just to see what would come out.
-I wonder if my benefits covers a colonoscopy
-Does a colonoscopy mean sticking something in my ass
-Being manipulative is a gift, one that I might just possess
-I've grown tired of explaining myself 
-Lululemon > 
- I'm getting tired of spraying rubbing alcohol on my ears 
-I got plenty to be thankful, I got plenty to be bitter about 
-a Beignet would hit the spot right about now
-The world is idealistic and I'm doing everything to prove it pays to move backwards 
-If WestJet don't fly there then I'm not going. 
-I met a girl who legally changed her name to "Cocaine", the name " Aaron is tatted" across her tits 
- Arcade Fire needs to really make new music.

Have a wonderful day/night. 

A life changing experience.

The following is a purely fictional account of what went down, if I were to take 5 hits of LSD, my first experience. We walked and walked, I remember the bus stop, those judgmental eyes. Everyone was staring at me but it didn't pain, it didn't hurt, for what felt like an eternity I simply didn't care. We enter the room and I decide that I want to document all of my thoughts. On twitter, on facebook, everywhere, I want the world to experience what I'm about to experience. It told me to stop, to told me that I would never understand. It explained the theory of evolution for me and what it means. It told me I wasn't good enough, over and over again. I wasn't good enough to form opinions. I wasn't good enough to judge anyone. It showed me some of the most painful images, everything from Hitler to people I've long despised. I was forced to live a lifetime in there eyes. I was forced to see demonic images of myself, there wasn't heaven or hell, this was me. This was my ego, my ways. I saw Rebecca (a loved one that past away). She told me " I spent a year with you and this is the person you've become. It was all in vein." I begged her to stay, I said I was sorry. She told me it didn't matter, I was going to inflict pain on others. I have never in my life been so hurt by something that appeared to be so real. She told me the year I spent with her was a gift, a reminder that I wanted to be everything she was. Everything I saw in her during our relationship, she had given to me as a gift. She told me I pissed it all away, that she was disappointed in me, that she wasted her time with me. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but all I could say was "thank you." Then, "it" kept reminding me again and again that we are all one. I'm no different than my mother, my worst enemy, my greatest friend. I begged "it" to keep me in this state forever, I spoke to it. I want to see what you see, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But it kept laughing, telling me that time didn't matter. The clocks move, it's now 8:45pm, soon it will be 8:46pm...but what does it matter. It told me that when I came back down I would be judged, I would be ridiculed, I would be tortured. Then I got to see, in the past, how I did those things I just mentioned to people I BARELY knew. If I did something as trivial as posting screen shots to a group of strangers, imagine how I treat "loved" ones. It gave me the future, this was the best part. I've been struggling greatly with the idea of being alone forever, of sleeping in the same bed for the rest of my life. Instead, I got to saw fonts and colours of things so beautiful I will never be able to describe. I saw the future, I saw versions of Iphones with an unimaginable amount of numbers. I saw the way my current phone "is supposed to look." I kept asking "it" if I can stay here. It told me no, again and again and again. Then again some more. You're not good enough, you're exactly like them, you're no different. I saw my mom's judgement and realized I disregard people's feelings because I feel as though I have rights. I feel as though I'm privileged, I have a sense of entitlement. It kept showing me how I continuously kick people in the real world (Im dumbing this down...it was a lot worse than kicking.) I kept saying "Aaron don't do this, don't do that...looking at my past trying to warn myself, it kept telling me "it's too late." You'll do the same thing over and over and over and over. I kept talking to "it" but you warned me, you told me to love. "It" showed me the harshest things, telling me I was going to do it regardless. The message was CLEAR. I am the cause of my pain because I refuse to listen. It took me into the future again, deep into the future. I saw text messages that came out the phone, I went into the depths of loneliness and felt connected. I was connected to my mother, my brother, everyone because they were a part of me. Sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, I begged it take me with "it". I begged "it" please let me stay, it kept saying no, you'll do it again and again. Over and over again, I was judged. I was criticized, I was  ridiculed, but I didn't feel pain. I felt like saying sorry. I felt like saying sorry for everything I ever did wrong. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. I felt so fucking humble. I have never in my life experienced an ounce of humanity. Then it showed me, everything this "trip" showed me, I have been told "sober." But I didn't listen, just like "it" told me. I didn't listen because I was going to do the same thing again and again. Tomrrow, one thousand years, 10 thousand years. I saw dead relatives, I saw the future, this was ALWAYS the best part. I saw everything in the years 205555. I saw how our world was shaped, I understood religion, I understood the theory of evolution, I saw Pi. I saw a premature society fueled with wars. I saw how great the future was, I saw myself again and again. 


Note: this describes 0.0000000000000001% of what I saw. "it" told me at the beginning I wasn't going to be able to ever explain it. They were right no matter how hard I tried. All in all Id say it lasted 12-15 hours, I didn't sleep all night. I wanted to cry but tears didn't come. I wanted to laugh and I did, over and over. I was no longer in my body, the simplest tasks like getting up to pee took an eternity. I was forced to see how I try and beg people for sympathy, yet offer none to nobody. This is everything I ever imagined x 1 trillion. and yet such an experience I feel as though I haven't earned the right to experience another in a long time. I feel as though I've been given a harsh reminder that to be human is to make mistakes. Regardless of the outcome, I'll hurt myself again, tomorrow. Then I'll expect to be treated different, like how I spent an eternity, asking "it" for me to stay. Over and over. 

I understood love, I understood pain, I understood purity. I feel at peace, I have no anxiety, I feel so much in control I have never in 24 years felt this way, not a jealous bone in my body. I feel so fucking insecure right now it feels so fucking good. I don't have to lie, I don't have to cheat, I don't have to appeal to anyone. No one needs to feel my pain or feel 'sorry" for me (a big part of this trip appealed to this notion). I feel so good. 

I felt it was my duty to try and share what came of this experience. I feel as though I am robbing you all of the truth because what I just typed is so little of what I just saw. I can't describe the end for you, I won't even begin to try. I saw things so powerful, particularly near the end, that sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, my love for my family didn't matter, my ex girlfriends didn't matter, nothing did. It was perfection. 

Thank you for listening to my words, take it however you want to take it, enjoy. and remember, like I said, purely fictional. 

Pure Greatness

I could barely keep my eyes open so before I begin I could already tell this is going to suck but I'm sick and had a bad day, writing compensates. It's Saturday night, I'm being a sober faggot, staying in and playing with my dick. I'm in a bad mood because I ordered wings and ordered some weak sauce. If you order wings and it aint the hottest thing on the menu then you're a inferior bitch. So on Satuday, clearly I was an inferior bitch, then, as I was about to turn on the ps3 and swan dive into the depths of pathetic-loserism, greatness occurred. Me and shorty known each other for a minute now but we had a BAD "break-up" in November. I was drunk, she was irrational, bad combination. The fact that I react to irrational behavior in the worst way possible didn't make matters worse, to make a long story short it ended with "dont ever talk to me again"...."cool, go die bitch". Something to that effect. 2.5 months later, and this is what I get. She hits me up, "so how are you enjoying the game".

WHAT game I been playing ps3 for 4 fucking days like a faggot. "the hockey game.." I been around this world 23 years and everybody knows I don't know about hockey...we talk a bit more and I'm not biting, I don't know what's up and I figure it'll lead to another fight....then she drops it. See for yourself. "so I just wanted to see what's up." Oh? Man I love my life. And this is why women are everything in this world (despite being insane, born without logic, irrational, insensible). That's loyalty you dick sucking faggots. That's someone who sees underneath the torture and pain there's something. That's a real woman, she knows what she wants.

Now I'll get in shit for writing this but if more reached out like she did, the world would be a better place. Instead you got grown ass men writing other grown ass men break up texts using hashtags in them. Who raised you niggas? Not subbing that dude either, but a lot of yall are built softer than the finest pussy in this world. Last on the train type dudes. Dudes who do the Gangham style dance and laugh at themselves. The world gets softer every second. god bless those who value loyalty and happiness above all.

Goodnight ( I aint editing this and my brain is shutting off so this might not even make sense)

Forgetting Who We Are

Let's take it back to last night. Tom Brady, Sir Tom, the immaculate, the man who could do no wrong had a "meh" game. When your name is Tom Brady, "meh" isn't good enough. Let's call a spade a spade he's been "meh" for years now, particularly in the post season. But every time that ball got swatted away, every time he had that dumbfounded, sulking look on his face; The arguable greatest player of all time seemed to be missing something. I couldn't help but notice that as the game progressed and hope started slipping away for the New England Patriots, this thing he was missing because more evident. I thought about this for a while and then I came up with the answer. Tom Brady is missing his fucking dick. He forgets he's a motherfucking man. He forgets he's a player in one of the most barbaric, masculine, superior sports in the world. Tom Brady has forgotten about his gender. The dumb fuck is posing in ads wearing female boots and people seem to think this is okay. But then I look at today's generation and this isn't a problem for Tom, this is an issue with many people.

A lot of men forgot they were men. Instead they want to cater to women, wear unisex clothing, but most importantly, they want to be sensitive little fucks. Skin made of marshmellow, men are no longer men. They are reduced, sensitive pieces of shit, fighting without a cause. Arguing without meaning. Tom Brady wears Uggs and most men are busy following women around dressing like faggots and listening to Scrillex. Fuck you and fuck everything you represent. I'd die for what I believe in with the biggest smile on my face, I stand for something, regardless if you think I'm right or wrong, my life has meaning. I produce things. I ejaculate billions of particles of basis on a daily basis. I value myself, my time, my energy, I value me. I know what it is to be a man, I know how to treat a woman, I know when to give them 3 strokes of this heavenly cock and have them satisfied. I know when to tell them to shut their bitch asses up and leave me the fuck alone. I'm not lost. 

How many people could say that? It's 2013 and every day I see people more and more like Tom. You're men, incapable of making your own decisions, your life becomes centered around vagina. Before you know it you're eating Mint Chocolate chip ice cream and texting women about the Bachelor while she fucks a dirty mechanic with grease under his nails. You're content with being in the friendzone, that's a sign of where we're headed as men. Men forgot that they are men. They're scared to let those voices heard, instead they want to wear button up sweaters with toques and consider themselves "fashionable" or "cultured". Fuck you and your fashion I'm from the hood I got 6 clean Polo Tees and 2 Pairs of Levis and I'm good with that. Men like Snoop Dogg are now walking around with french manicures. This is who you have become. Walking vaginas. Those veins pump cotton candy, that heart is made of cotton, your blood is soft, your filled with insecurities and your mother questions your sexual orientation. Don't have your mother thinking she raised a daughter. I'm just here to help. 

It's 2013, drop the act, grab your balls and sling some dick in these streets. It's what god wants us to do, it's only right. 

Goodnight. 

Reality Isn't All It's Made Out To Be

Every time I try to speak that optimistic bullshit that supposedly is supposed to help you live a better life, I feel different. I feel like I'm in someone else's skin, wearing someone else's shoes. Fuck that, that ain't me and I got a new adviser who promises to make sure I stay out of legal trouble. In other words I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I feel and if you feel like it's directed to you, then it probably is. I been sober for 20 days now and I can't tell you how fucking gay this is. If it weren't for health, Id be drunk 7 days a week, 8 hours a day. I'm supposed to feel enlightened and better about myself, fuck that, alcohol is so pure a human could never compare. Regardless of how he felt in the end, George Best did things the right way. Reality isn't all it's made out to be, it's a carefully constructed interpretation of how you see the world, not how the world really is. 

The world is filled with cunts. Vitrol. Cancer. Bacteria  We don't inherit these things, we create it. We act in our own interests with a failure to see anything but how we want to see it. Then when things go wrong we blame other people because we're fucking pussies incapable of admitting we're not perfect. And that's where the problem lays. Because those who do give a flying fuck, those who do care, those who exert every molecule/brain cell/whatever big word fits, those who give their all to make the world a better place, they end up like the girl in the picture. Dead. She's been forgotten by most but those eyes, the perfect smile, the life, I see it, or at least think about it everyday.  Everybody in this world supposedly got a big dick and perfectly happy with their life. Happiness doesn't exist, this isn't nirvana, it's a perception. Happiness is what you perceive to be pleasurable. It's temporary, it comes it goes, it's like pain. Bunch of bitch made pussies infest the world, and the "Angels" those that have done good, they're gone. They're forgotten, it's dying, technology killed it, we killed it. 

Whatever is good that's left in this world is dying. We're becoming more and more obsessed with Smart Phones and Tablet computers because it gives us some false security bullshit. Once again, exemplifying how much of a pussy you are, that you need some computer to make you feel better about your bitch-ass life. It's a cold world we're living in . It promises to get colder. Tomorrow when you get up and tweet/text/or email about how you hate Mondays and how everyone is out to get you and how everyone hates you and you're fat and want to lose weight and want to accumulate more wealth and your IPAD freezes up and it frustrates you to no end. Yea, when all those thoughts enter your mind and you choose to burden those around you with your own filth, I want you to look at the picture of that girl. Those eyes. That life, it's something you'll never reach. Humanity. 

Goodnight.