The Value in Death

Last night I dreamt my mom died. I'm sure over the course of my 25+ years, I've had a dream like this or similar to this at least 20x in my life but this one was different. It chopped me up into pieces with the vivid images I was receiving. It was a depth of hell I had never entered and in the end it took me to heaven. I was forced to see myself and realize I'm a helpless dude just like everyone else in this world. With death comes a lack of control and I think that was the scariest thing in all of this.

In the dream my mom died, she suffocated somehow. She was working out on a machine or some shit, something slipped cut off her circulation and bam, my life changed. I'm dumbing this down because i don't care to share every detail with the world but it was deep. I was faced with the realization my safety net was gone. Everything I knew or thought I knew was changing. My attitude reflected weakness of an imaginable size, I was no longer myself. My mom died and I was facing challenges I was incapable of completing. This was hell of an epic degree, not because I missed her or the warm cooked meals would no longer be there. I was no longer in control of me, my life had changed forever and I had no one to trust, no one to love, no one to support me in a world where we all need these things. With her dying, everything that made me strong temporarily left my body. This was very real, then I woke up.

I woke up with a new appreciation for everything around me. There are people in this world who are just like my mother. They give me support, they sacrifice themselves, they give me everything they have with interest and I just want to say thank you. When you go, just like this fucked up dream, I go with you. I'll always be some dickhead that talks a lot of shit but deep down I appreciate everything people have done for me in this world and I hope they know who they are. When the routine changes and the world we know, no longer becomes the world we know, we value things. We value things we never witnessed before, we value the truth. We value reality. We value the strength and commitment it takes to be stronger. My mom died in the dream and I became a shred of who I once were. We need each other more than we think. Thank you.

Nightmares

At 6:20 every morning I wake up, look outside, then proceed to run at least a mile. It's part of my daily routine, something I have to often convince myself to do but everytime I do it I feel great. Then I'll shower, change, make breakfast, watch an episode of the Office and head out the door. Get in the Versa and I'm on my way. I work 20km from home, which is a 30 minute drive in rush hour. While I'm driving I only have one thought in my head, god, please don't grant me with any children that want to be dickheads for a living. That's my biggest nightmare, something I dream about regularly. Imagine having kids, raising them as best you could and then at 21 they decide they want to get on stage and suck and fuck inflatable penises. Surely it ain't the parents fault. Surely this is just a result of a child being a fucking dickhead. I know I lived wrong a lot of my life but I sure as fuck don't deserve this headache if I ever have kids. 

See here's the thing with Miley, she never got to experience the heaux stage of her life. All her life she had to maintain that clean cut image of being Hannah Montana and she was never able to fully be a teen. At 16 years old she wasn't fingered in the back of the theatre like most girls her age. She ain't get to cheat on her teen boyfriend with a dude from college because she was too busy pleasing the Family Channel. In a way I get it, she missed out on some prime years where you, as a female, get to experience being used in exchange for an inflated self esteem. Most teens go through it but she didn't. 

So I'd understand if she hopped a few boyfriends, did a few minor drugs, had a few nip slips in public. It'd all make sense, she's just re-living her teens the right way. I'd understand if she had a few crazy outfits and a few drunken nights on the town. But this bitch is taking it too far. Why the fuck are you sucking an inflatable penis in front of little girls you sick Mccaulay Culkin looking fuck. No one said don't be a heaux, but you're performing in London in front of a million impressionable girls and you're out there riding inflatable cocks and playing with yourself. Fuck outta here Miley Cyrus, you dumb cunt. It ain't the parents fault in this case, no parent can ever fuck up so bad to make their child want to come out and ride a floating cock. No parent is that bad. Miley Cyrus is just the epitome of a dickhead and I hope with all the will in my body, my future child is nothing like a dickhead. My weak heart can't take it. Inshallah. 

Weak Beings

It has since been confirmed, the world is one giant, weak clit. I used to have hope for this world. I lived in a world where Biggie rapped "I hope you know my nigga gutta like to kidnap kids, fuck em in the ass throw em over the bridge" and people sung along. No Nancy Grace analyzing these lyrics on a nightly basis. No protests for anyone against child rape. It was a line that fit the time, we understood it to be art. No one fucked a kid in the ass and threw him over a bridge, this was art, this was New York in the 90s. This was a rough exterior, a composition of all things meant to express yourself. Fast forward 20 years, you think someone could rap like that today? Fuck no. 

If Biggie gave us that line today there would be a line of people crying. There would be sponsorships being pulled and the world would get on its high horse pretending that Biggie meant what he wrote. This weekend we saw two very similar acts that depict the soft world we live in. Michael Sam, the gay NFL player was on ESPN in a pink polo kissing some skinny white dude built like a girl. Let's address this first. If you can play football, you can play football and deserve to be on an NFL team. If Michael Sam is worthy of being in a football roster then I'm glad he got the opportunity, he deserves it. Why the fuck is he in a Pink Polo and why the fuck is he kissing some white dude that looks like Jake Gylenhall (sp). That's some weak shit. I don't care if it's ignorant, this is sports. This is a barbaric sport where people don't make it past the age of 50. Yet there goes Michael Sam in his pink polo. We've sadly become conditioned to accept this batty-mon behavior. There's no space for Pink Polos, and kissing men in sports I don't care what you do in your own home. 

Then today I got faced with a tragic reality. Jay-Z, the man who influenced me for years with "Can I live"..."The Blueprint"..and "The Black Album." Flawless records filled with gems 50 years after my time. Teaching you how to survive, how to be a man, how you were born down 30 points and how to even the score. Jay-Z was a big part of my growth, he gave us hope, strength, power displayed the true art of survival in a world we're not meant to be. Then today happened. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out TMZ but basically Jay-Z got his ass beat by Beyonce's sister (she's today's picture). Beyonce's sister caught Jay-Z in an elevator and went ape shit, while Jay-z pretty much stood there trying to calm her down and Beyonce didn't move a finger. What happened to protecting yourself? What happened to living your rhymes? She knocked him in the face and he stood there, lifeless. The world is getting soft, corrupted by weak beings and every time Cee-Lo does another live performance it gets a bit softer. Make the world a better place, stand up for what's right and knock people the fuck out when they deserve it. Inshallah. 

Get Rob Ford the Fuck Out of Here

I've always backed Rob Ford, politically. His attempts to clean up city Hall have always been valid, his strive to reach the needy areas have been documented and he doesn't take shit from the pretentious faggots located in city hall. With that said, I rather live in a world with 1000000 Donald Sterlings than 1 Rob Ford. I was fine with his antics, his corruption, his ancient views, his alcoholism and his drug use but last week, in my eyes he finally crossed the line.

The evidence is clear as day, he was in his sister's basement doing crack with his sister. Now his sister, either is a drug addict or a recovering addict, whichever is, but I view that as a piece of shit, cunt of a man, enabling his sister. Forget being the Mayor of Toronto, you're a grown ass man. A man. Yet you hand your sister, a clear addict, a crack pipe. Fuck you Rob Ford. That's the lowest I've seen a human go in a long ass time. It's one thing to get drunk in public and do crack but to hand your sister a crack pipe is the lowest of the lows. The world would be better off without people like this. I hope Rob Ford is never in a position of power again. I hope he spends the rest of his breaths on earth in a locked room eating lean cuisine and listening to Mumford and Sons on repeat. Fuck you Rob Ford, that's your mother fucking blood and you're doing crack with an addict, you're sister.

Today, once again he crossed the line. In Rob Ford's magical world, he's in a "working kind of rehab" where he gets to answer emails, talk to reporters and work on his campaign. Fuck this guy with every breathe in my body, a living breathing cunt piece of shit. Who the fuck is he fooling? Then he compared rehab to the Washington Redskins training camp. Anyone with half a brain understands that the whole point of rehab is to shut yourself out from the rest of the world while you rebuild your life. You're faced with insurmountable mental tasks, you're forced to face reality. Yet Rob Ford wants us to believe he's in some great facility where he works out and beats off to YouPorn because he's in some special rehab. Fuck out of here Rob Ford is at home doing crack, eating beef jerky and acting like the racist cunt piece of shit he is. He crossed the line when he handed his sister, an addict, a crack pipe. He then wants us to believe this dumb shit about how rehab is amazing. Fuck out of here. Millions of people suffer from addiction and they bust their ass to face a GLIMMER of hope that they can recover. This cunt is in his basement dancing to Headley and doing crack. Fuck you Rob Ford, fuck your lying cunt ass. I've never seen someone with such low character repeatedly find ways to piss on themselves even more. Harsh realities will present themselves and unfortunately we'll see this train wreck come to an end, one way or another, Inshallah.

What it means to die

Without getting into too many details because I don't care to discuss the specifics, I know a few people dying. Dying as in they got a few months and they'll be gone. My favourite girl in the world, Lana, told us we were born to die. However we're human and we've mastered the art of distracting ourselves from reality. I got 90k tweets and I'll admit today, most of them are to distract myself from some shit I avoid. Whether it's long term or short term, I distract myself and you do as well. You can't really distract yourself when death comes knocking on the door, all you  have is a clock that is running out.

I try to put myself in this position, having gone through this before with a loved one, I wouldn't wish this on Hitler. It's mental torture to the highest degree in such a manner words can't ever describe it. Knowing a loved one is dying and feeling that helplessness wreaks all throughout my body, I haven't gotten over it and never will. Deep down I realize human beings are just filled with bullshit. Everything is okay. I went through sleepless nights because my ass got fired but 2 weeks later I was back on my feet making more money I ever seen. We don't trust us and when our backs are against the wall we want to compare ourselves to others, I mastered this as well. When my back is against the wall I'm thinking of all the people who fucked up before me trying to console myself, cause I'm a pussy.

Everything is okay. Life is beautiful. We live in a world with amazing waterfalls, light, honey badgers, sex, everything is within a plane ride. Tomorrow if I wanted I can ride a donkey, isn't that fucking cool? But we fail to see it because we're insecure pussies incapable of facing the truth. We knew at 5 years old we weren't going to last on this world forever. It's a mental agreement we made a long time ago, shit we got no choice. As hard as it is, I'm going to enjoy life more. I'm going to value people more, even Donald Sterling. Who knows how long this attitude will last but I need it and so do you, you weak bitches. We need life, we need each other, we're not different. Everything is okay. Your exams will pass, your failed relationships will teach you valuable lessons, and hopefully you learn more about yourself and make your life a meaningful one. Or end up bitter like Nancy Grace. Don't make tomorrow count, just realize you're okay and your bitch ass isn't in this alone, the feelings you feel, the emotions you face, the failure and success, it's universal. Inshallah.

Free Donald Sterling

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What Really Happened In My Life

Amazing ain't it. 4+ years later and I'm still drawn to this thing like it's the only thing I have in this world. I started this in December of 2009 as a means of talking shit. Then I graduated university and thought I knew everything. No scratch that, I fell in love, she died, I graduated, had a cushy office job, got fired, 2 weeks later got an even better cushy office job, started 1500 blogs as a way of talking shit, drank more, did more drugs, had more sex, cut out the vices, lost 15+ pounds, only to end up back at square one. I love this space more than you'll ever know. Let's talk. 

I miss me. This was a really cool place with my thoughts and then I became a pussy. I started listening to people when they would tell me their perceptions of the blogs and my thoughts and who I was or who I thought I was. IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT. I don't proofread my life so why the fuck did I start proofreading this blog. If you hate it you hate it if you love it you love it but I don't care. 90% of things we do in life, it's bullshit. You please your parents, then you go learn about Shakespeare and try to find yourself, then you get a job and it really all goes downhill, while somehow making sense. If you had to live life your way what would you do? I certainly wouldn't be up at 6:30am every morning running miles and driving 25km to work in the real estate industry as a consultant. I'd be doing blow off models and listening to "Kashmir" on repeat. Zeppelin for all you young clowns that are wondering what I was talking about. 

We try to be responsible and make others happy but in the end we're programmed to survive, not to be happy. In order to survive we do dumb shit like get degrees and wear cardigans and shit. I been wearing Levis and Polo tees since 1995 and I won't ever stop. Stop doing things for others and start living for you. Maintain morality in every sense capable but stop being a faggot, go out and make shit happen. Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, I've peed on numerous women in this world it is what it fucking is. I'm not boasting I just feel like coming clean. Tomorrow I'll have to walk into the office and act all normal, can I live?

Make this world yours, nothing else matters. Your parents hurt you by trying to help you. The people you call friends, only 10% of them really are friends the other 90 keep you around because they want to feel good about themselves. I'm presenting reality in the end the steady paycheck is great but it takes away from much of your life. Stability takes away from who you are, it minimalizes you diminishes the little individualism you have. Your job ain't all that important in the world we both know you spend more time fucking off work than actually working. Grab hold of something that makes you smile and gravitate towards it, everyday. This blog makes me smile, people make me smile, sports make me smile, wearing pants and listening to Avici or DeadMau5 makes me want to stab myself in the penis, we're different. Have a great week you guys, things change within seconds, stay on top of your life and don't give a fuck about anyone until you take care of yourself. Inshallah. 

Back like I never left: Crying Season

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List I wrote to myself

To make a long story short I'm writing this letter to myself in an effort to become a better human being. I really don't feel like sharing this but some part of me feels as if I have to. This is pretty gay but I listen to my intuition and decided to post this.Whatever, enjoy or don't enjoy just fuck off lmao.

Steps I need to take to become a better human being. 

1) Drink less and write down in a calendar every time you get drunk 
2) Start showing more of who you are on social networks, the negative perception hurts more than you know
3) Visit Rendell's grave at some point this year
4) Stop trying to differentiate all the fucking time, just stop 
5) Conduct yourself with way more class
6) Be comfortable 
7) Visit Ma and Papi's grave in Trinidad at some point this year
8) Stop with the altercations and confrontations
9) Read more
10) Put down the phone
11) Spend more time soaking it all in, you dont do this nearly enough
12) Muster up the courage to go and get a full physical this year
13) Try acupuncture and naturopath
14) Stop hurting everyone who gets close to you, it shows your insecurities
15) Stop being annoying when drunk, the drunk texting needs to stop it hurts more than it helps.
16) When someone gets you angry (which is everyday) do not respond or react to anyone for 5 minutes. 300 seconds is a rule you need to apply, if you're still hurt/upset/angry after that time frame then act accordingly 
17) Give more back 
18) Value your father's opinion more. 
19) Set an example for Lil, he should want to be who you are, only better
20) Drink 1 big glass of green tea once a day
21) Check blood pressure bi-weekly
22) Weigh yourself bi-weekly
23) Lie less
24) DO NOT try and get sympathy from anyone, at anytime, use your friend's advice more.
25) Consider hiring a financial consultant at the end of the year
26) Realize that even though you feel as though you are never wrong, people are right more than you give them credit for 
27) Do not wake up after 8am, ever. Go to sleep early if you have to
28) Find positive ways to hurt those that hurt you. Revenge is sweet when you can prove people wrong, that's where a lot of questions get answered
29) Do not exert energy if you feel in your heart that the person/thing isn't worth it
30) Try to spend more times acting in ways that produce positive results
31) Dedicate at least 40 minutes of your life, bi-weekly, to writing letters on http://www.postpals.co.uk/
32) You lost some of your ways, find them
33) Remember you'll get what you put in + interest
34) Try and work harder while at work 
35) Remember your days are numbered but that's okay, you get them back + interest
36) Demand only the best from yourself from the day you wake up. There needs to be progress
37) Realize that life is great, when you don't realize this, it's because YOU did something wrong 
38) Cut people slack
39) Go back to being more selfless
40) Your mistakes occurred for a reason, realize that. 
41) Drop the hate in your heart when it comes to Jana
42) Keep the hate in your heart when it comes to Lindsay but use it wisely 
43) Drink at least 5 kale shakes a week
44) Stop finding ways to get home quicker, there's value in a commute
45) Stop trying to make everyone unhappy, because you're unhappy
46) You'll make the same mistakes over and over and over, but you'll get it right eventually, we all do.
47) At some point find the courage and time to read the letter Rebecca wrote to you
48) Stop finding ways to destroy what people have helped you built
49) There are people that you treat like shit who don't deserve it, stop it
50) Stop eating chips
51) Go back to New Orleans or somewhere in December, you deserve it
52) Try and spend more time with dad
53) By the end of the year run 4 miles in under 30 minutes or at least give it 50 serious attempts
54) Walk more 
55) Stop being a dick
56) Play more basketball this summer
57) Work to be better with the job, you settle far too much and it's your fault
58) Make them proud 
59) Try and take up baking again, you loved the sense of accomplishment, you should want more of that
60) Don't drink every week, even in the summer, it isn't worth it.
61) Find 5 places where you want to live, set a price, work towards the downpayment
62) Spend more time thanking your friends, you're worse than you know 
63) Maybe take up fishing or something to do with nature
64) Enjoy this summer, remember what it felt like in November
65) Think about the future more
66) Love again, you forgot what it feels like to receive, you no longer know how to give
67) Spend at least 3 hours a week trying to build up Sweet Delights 
68) Stop jacking off so much, it has a negative feeling at times
69) Be you, don't ever fucking forget where you came from and who helped you along the way, ever 
70) Maybe take up more juicing, like wheatgrass and stuff, if it's something you want
71) Don't change for nobody, only you. 
72) There are much better ways to use your voice than you're currently using it
73) Stop thinking about 24 as being the beginning of the end, you ain't even reach the start line yet
74) Before you go to bed, say "it's all good" 3x, every night that you can remember
75) You're in control, of everything, remember that
76) Say "please" more
77) Dont forget the way you were raised, life is good always
78) There's always someone better than you in this world, remember that every morning
79) You're a great person with many ways that are pieces of shit, curable 
80) Stop fighting Eesh
81) Smile more

Random Thoughts

- I'm starting to see value in things I never saw before
- I can finally drink in moderation. Moderation isn't the key to life but I figured life out. There is no key. 
-Pain lasts forever, happiness doesn't. Weird but true. 
-We pay and get a return on every investment. Everything is accounted for. God is an accountant, a good one. 
-If I had true proof God didn't exist I'd kill myself in more ways than I can count.
-All these years, I under estimated sleep.
-There's no point to physical exercise if your mind refuses to work out.
-I wonder what was going through Bon Iver's mind when he wrote "For Emma" 
-I'm a lover of harsh realities but the one the Yankees are currently presenting is one that is not needed.
-My vices are getting a bit too expensive 
-"Friends" is a vague term, with that said, I love the very few I consider to call my friends.
-I now live in a time where men want to be women and women forget what it means to be a women
-Change doesn't ever correlate to better, it correlates to different.
-I need to fix my life but general laborers are so difficult to get a hold of. 
-All-inclusive anything is for the faggots.
-I get a cheap thrill when people disagree with me, I love to argue.
-I find peace in lying.
-I alter with this view but I don't think I'm at fault with anything to be honest, the world is. It's not me it's people. That may change.
-NCAA sucks
-I need to make it back to New Orleans this year, it's an absolute necessity. 
-Spicy foods used to make me feel good, not so much any more
-"Wolf" is a great album
-Insecurities simply display truths, if you're worried about something, it's because it's true and you're in denial. If you're insecure about you
-Says a lot when the majority of the world is insecure.
-I don't have an ego I just pretend to have one
-I got issues with truth
-I got issues with olives
-Leslie Mann is seriously underrated, absolutely stunning as well
-I try to fall in love at least 45x a year, as you can see it's working out for me. 
-Living without the fear of consequences has its setbacks
-There's value in strangers. 
-Me and #4 on Michigan have the same size of tits
-The Jays were who I thought they were (stupid people won't get that)
-"Meant to be like passing Beyonce a tic-tac" might be the single greatest line in hip hop ever
-I could use new music from Arcade Fire
-Emoticons/Emojis make the world go around
-Healthy living is for the faggots
-Pretentiousness might be a disease 
-What Cohen saw when he wrote "Hallelujah" might now be extinct. 
-"Why doesn't anyone understand me?" -7 billion humans
-"Why do I want what I can't have?" - 7 billion humans
-Everything needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
-In my life time a 6 is always greater than a 9
-I want to do a colonoscopy just to see what would come out.
-I wonder if my benefits covers a colonoscopy
-Does a colonoscopy mean sticking something in my ass
-Being manipulative is a gift, one that I might just possess
-I've grown tired of explaining myself 
-Lululemon > 
- I'm getting tired of spraying rubbing alcohol on my ears 
-I got plenty to be thankful, I got plenty to be bitter about 
-a Beignet would hit the spot right about now
-The world is idealistic and I'm doing everything to prove it pays to move backwards 
-If WestJet don't fly there then I'm not going. 
-I met a girl who legally changed her name to "Cocaine", the name " Aaron is tatted" across her tits 
- Arcade Fire needs to really make new music.

Have a wonderful day/night. 

A life changing experience.

The following is a purely fictional account of what went down, if I were to take 5 hits of LSD, my first experience. We walked and walked, I remember the bus stop, those judgmental eyes. Everyone was staring at me but it didn't pain, it didn't hurt, for what felt like an eternity I simply didn't care. We enter the room and I decide that I want to document all of my thoughts. On twitter, on facebook, everywhere, I want the world to experience what I'm about to experience. It told me to stop, to told me that I would never understand. It explained the theory of evolution for me and what it means. It told me I wasn't good enough, over and over again. I wasn't good enough to form opinions. I wasn't good enough to judge anyone. It showed me some of the most painful images, everything from Hitler to people I've long despised. I was forced to live a lifetime in there eyes. I was forced to see demonic images of myself, there wasn't heaven or hell, this was me. This was my ego, my ways. I saw Rebecca (a loved one that past away). She told me " I spent a year with you and this is the person you've become. It was all in vein." I begged her to stay, I said I was sorry. She told me it didn't matter, I was going to inflict pain on others. I have never in my life been so hurt by something that appeared to be so real. She told me the year I spent with her was a gift, a reminder that I wanted to be everything she was. Everything I saw in her during our relationship, she had given to me as a gift. She told me I pissed it all away, that she was disappointed in me, that she wasted her time with me. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but all I could say was "thank you." Then, "it" kept reminding me again and again that we are all one. I'm no different than my mother, my worst enemy, my greatest friend. I begged "it" to keep me in this state forever, I spoke to it. I want to see what you see, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But it kept laughing, telling me that time didn't matter. The clocks move, it's now 8:45pm, soon it will be 8:46pm...but what does it matter. It told me that when I came back down I would be judged, I would be ridiculed, I would be tortured. Then I got to see, in the past, how I did those things I just mentioned to people I BARELY knew. If I did something as trivial as posting screen shots to a group of strangers, imagine how I treat "loved" ones. It gave me the future, this was the best part. I've been struggling greatly with the idea of being alone forever, of sleeping in the same bed for the rest of my life. Instead, I got to saw fonts and colours of things so beautiful I will never be able to describe. I saw the future, I saw versions of Iphones with an unimaginable amount of numbers. I saw the way my current phone "is supposed to look." I kept asking "it" if I can stay here. It told me no, again and again and again. Then again some more. You're not good enough, you're exactly like them, you're no different. I saw my mom's judgement and realized I disregard people's feelings because I feel as though I have rights. I feel as though I'm privileged, I have a sense of entitlement. It kept showing me how I continuously kick people in the real world (Im dumbing this down...it was a lot worse than kicking.) I kept saying "Aaron don't do this, don't do that...looking at my past trying to warn myself, it kept telling me "it's too late." You'll do the same thing over and over and over and over. I kept talking to "it" but you warned me, you told me to love. "It" showed me the harshest things, telling me I was going to do it regardless. The message was CLEAR. I am the cause of my pain because I refuse to listen. It took me into the future again, deep into the future. I saw text messages that came out the phone, I went into the depths of loneliness and felt connected. I was connected to my mother, my brother, everyone because they were a part of me. Sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, I begged it take me with "it". I begged "it" please let me stay, it kept saying no, you'll do it again and again. Over and over again, I was judged. I was criticized, I was  ridiculed, but I didn't feel pain. I felt like saying sorry. I felt like saying sorry for everything I ever did wrong. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. I felt so fucking humble. I have never in my life experienced an ounce of humanity. Then it showed me, everything this "trip" showed me, I have been told "sober." But I didn't listen, just like "it" told me. I didn't listen because I was going to do the same thing again and again. Tomrrow, one thousand years, 10 thousand years. I saw dead relatives, I saw the future, this was ALWAYS the best part. I saw everything in the years 205555. I saw how our world was shaped, I understood religion, I understood the theory of evolution, I saw Pi. I saw a premature society fueled with wars. I saw how great the future was, I saw myself again and again. 


Note: this describes 0.0000000000000001% of what I saw. "it" told me at the beginning I wasn't going to be able to ever explain it. They were right no matter how hard I tried. All in all Id say it lasted 12-15 hours, I didn't sleep all night. I wanted to cry but tears didn't come. I wanted to laugh and I did, over and over. I was no longer in my body, the simplest tasks like getting up to pee took an eternity. I was forced to see how I try and beg people for sympathy, yet offer none to nobody. This is everything I ever imagined x 1 trillion. and yet such an experience I feel as though I haven't earned the right to experience another in a long time. I feel as though I've been given a harsh reminder that to be human is to make mistakes. Regardless of the outcome, I'll hurt myself again, tomorrow. Then I'll expect to be treated different, like how I spent an eternity, asking "it" for me to stay. Over and over. 

I understood love, I understood pain, I understood purity. I feel at peace, I have no anxiety, I feel so much in control I have never in 24 years felt this way, not a jealous bone in my body. I feel so fucking insecure right now it feels so fucking good. I don't have to lie, I don't have to cheat, I don't have to appeal to anyone. No one needs to feel my pain or feel 'sorry" for me (a big part of this trip appealed to this notion). I feel so good. 

I felt it was my duty to try and share what came of this experience. I feel as though I am robbing you all of the truth because what I just typed is so little of what I just saw. I can't describe the end for you, I won't even begin to try. I saw things so powerful, particularly near the end, that sex didn't matter, money didn't matter, my love for my family didn't matter, my ex girlfriends didn't matter, nothing did. It was perfection. 

Thank you for listening to my words, take it however you want to take it, enjoy. and remember, like I said, purely fictional. 

Pure Greatness

I could barely keep my eyes open so before I begin I could already tell this is going to suck but I'm sick and had a bad day, writing compensates. It's Saturday night, I'm being a sober faggot, staying in and playing with my dick. I'm in a bad mood because I ordered wings and ordered some weak sauce. If you order wings and it aint the hottest thing on the menu then you're a inferior bitch. So on Satuday, clearly I was an inferior bitch, then, as I was about to turn on the ps3 and swan dive into the depths of pathetic-loserism, greatness occurred. Me and shorty known each other for a minute now but we had a BAD "break-up" in November. I was drunk, she was irrational, bad combination. The fact that I react to irrational behavior in the worst way possible didn't make matters worse, to make a long story short it ended with "dont ever talk to me again"...."cool, go die bitch". Something to that effect. 2.5 months later, and this is what I get. She hits me up, "so how are you enjoying the game".

WHAT game I been playing ps3 for 4 fucking days like a faggot. "the hockey game.." I been around this world 23 years and everybody knows I don't know about hockey...we talk a bit more and I'm not biting, I don't know what's up and I figure it'll lead to another fight....then she drops it. See for yourself. "so I just wanted to see what's up." Oh? Man I love my life. And this is why women are everything in this world (despite being insane, born without logic, irrational, insensible). That's loyalty you dick sucking faggots. That's someone who sees underneath the torture and pain there's something. That's a real woman, she knows what she wants.

Now I'll get in shit for writing this but if more reached out like she did, the world would be a better place. Instead you got grown ass men writing other grown ass men break up texts using hashtags in them. Who raised you niggas? Not subbing that dude either, but a lot of yall are built softer than the finest pussy in this world. Last on the train type dudes. Dudes who do the Gangham style dance and laugh at themselves. The world gets softer every second. god bless those who value loyalty and happiness above all.

Goodnight ( I aint editing this and my brain is shutting off so this might not even make sense)

Forgetting Who We Are

Let's take it back to last night. Tom Brady, Sir Tom, the immaculate, the man who could do no wrong had a "meh" game. When your name is Tom Brady, "meh" isn't good enough. Let's call a spade a spade he's been "meh" for years now, particularly in the post season. But every time that ball got swatted away, every time he had that dumbfounded, sulking look on his face; The arguable greatest player of all time seemed to be missing something. I couldn't help but notice that as the game progressed and hope started slipping away for the New England Patriots, this thing he was missing because more evident. I thought about this for a while and then I came up with the answer. Tom Brady is missing his fucking dick. He forgets he's a motherfucking man. He forgets he's a player in one of the most barbaric, masculine, superior sports in the world. Tom Brady has forgotten about his gender. The dumb fuck is posing in ads wearing female boots and people seem to think this is okay. But then I look at today's generation and this isn't a problem for Tom, this is an issue with many people.

A lot of men forgot they were men. Instead they want to cater to women, wear unisex clothing, but most importantly, they want to be sensitive little fucks. Skin made of marshmellow, men are no longer men. They are reduced, sensitive pieces of shit, fighting without a cause. Arguing without meaning. Tom Brady wears Uggs and most men are busy following women around dressing like faggots and listening to Scrillex. Fuck you and fuck everything you represent. I'd die for what I believe in with the biggest smile on my face, I stand for something, regardless if you think I'm right or wrong, my life has meaning. I produce things. I ejaculate billions of particles of basis on a daily basis. I value myself, my time, my energy, I value me. I know what it is to be a man, I know how to treat a woman, I know when to give them 3 strokes of this heavenly cock and have them satisfied. I know when to tell them to shut their bitch asses up and leave me the fuck alone. I'm not lost. 

How many people could say that? It's 2013 and every day I see people more and more like Tom. You're men, incapable of making your own decisions, your life becomes centered around vagina. Before you know it you're eating Mint Chocolate chip ice cream and texting women about the Bachelor while she fucks a dirty mechanic with grease under his nails. You're content with being in the friendzone, that's a sign of where we're headed as men. Men forgot that they are men. They're scared to let those voices heard, instead they want to wear button up sweaters with toques and consider themselves "fashionable" or "cultured". Fuck you and your fashion I'm from the hood I got 6 clean Polo Tees and 2 Pairs of Levis and I'm good with that. Men like Snoop Dogg are now walking around with french manicures. This is who you have become. Walking vaginas. Those veins pump cotton candy, that heart is made of cotton, your blood is soft, your filled with insecurities and your mother questions your sexual orientation. Don't have your mother thinking she raised a daughter. I'm just here to help. 

It's 2013, drop the act, grab your balls and sling some dick in these streets. It's what god wants us to do, it's only right. 

Goodnight. 

Reality Isn't All It's Made Out To Be

Every time I try to speak that optimistic bullshit that supposedly is supposed to help you live a better life, I feel different. I feel like I'm in someone else's skin, wearing someone else's shoes. Fuck that, that ain't me and I got a new adviser who promises to make sure I stay out of legal trouble. In other words I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I feel and if you feel like it's directed to you, then it probably is. I been sober for 20 days now and I can't tell you how fucking gay this is. If it weren't for health, Id be drunk 7 days a week, 8 hours a day. I'm supposed to feel enlightened and better about myself, fuck that, alcohol is so pure a human could never compare. Regardless of how he felt in the end, George Best did things the right way. Reality isn't all it's made out to be, it's a carefully constructed interpretation of how you see the world, not how the world really is. 

The world is filled with cunts. Vitrol. Cancer. Bacteria  We don't inherit these things, we create it. We act in our own interests with a failure to see anything but how we want to see it. Then when things go wrong we blame other people because we're fucking pussies incapable of admitting we're not perfect. And that's where the problem lays. Because those who do give a flying fuck, those who do care, those who exert every molecule/brain cell/whatever big word fits, those who give their all to make the world a better place, they end up like the girl in the picture. Dead. She's been forgotten by most but those eyes, the perfect smile, the life, I see it, or at least think about it everyday.  Everybody in this world supposedly got a big dick and perfectly happy with their life. Happiness doesn't exist, this isn't nirvana, it's a perception. Happiness is what you perceive to be pleasurable. It's temporary, it comes it goes, it's like pain. Bunch of bitch made pussies infest the world, and the "Angels" those that have done good, they're gone. They're forgotten, it's dying, technology killed it, we killed it. 

Whatever is good that's left in this world is dying. We're becoming more and more obsessed with Smart Phones and Tablet computers because it gives us some false security bullshit. Once again, exemplifying how much of a pussy you are, that you need some computer to make you feel better about your bitch-ass life. It's a cold world we're living in . It promises to get colder. Tomorrow when you get up and tweet/text/or email about how you hate Mondays and how everyone is out to get you and how everyone hates you and you're fat and want to lose weight and want to accumulate more wealth and your IPAD freezes up and it frustrates you to no end. Yea, when all those thoughts enter your mind and you choose to burden those around you with your own filth, I want you to look at the picture of that girl. Those eyes. That life, it's something you'll never reach. Humanity. 

Goodnight.

Tuesday the 20th.

Last Tuesday I realized something. Starring at a mirror (like it always happens) I realized I was a cunt. I realized I had been living roughly 10 months in misery, self pity, self-inflicted pain, torture, the works. Things don't always go as planned as we all know but for one reason or another, in my life when they don't, I have a strong tendency to self-destruct, or seemingly self-destruct.  If I spent 10 months pissing time away like this because of things I can't change, because I'm too weak to deal with things I had no control over, then clearly I have a lot of making up to do. To myself and to time. Now a "normal person" would say tomorrow is a new day and start making changes. If there's one thing you could get from this is that I'm not normal. I gave myself 5 days. 5 days of alcohol, mind altering substances, torture, self-destruction, the most unhealthy foods you could imagine. 5 days of all things negative spanning from Toronto to Ohio (where I carefully planned this behavior ending). 10 months wasn't enough, I wanted 5 more days. 5 more days to unleash a vigorous but carefully executed path to destruction. I ended friendships, I fought everyone including myself, I put my stomach, mind, body, soul, all through torture in an effort to leave it in Ohio. 

The plane departs from Hopkins and I could barely move. My body numb from ingesting chewing tobacco the night before. My head hurts, my legs can't move, there aren't enough words in the human dictionary to compensate for this feeling. People are upset at me, people want me hurt, people want me destroyed, but my mind is in full motion. "Pink Matter" is blaring from the I-Phone on this 38 minute flight, and it's time to get this party started. This was all carefully executed as I mentioned before, I know what I'm doing. Sure I didn't cater to the whole ingesting tobacco thing, I didn't cater on wishing death on people but it was all carefully executed. On that plane I was the lowest human being who ever lived, by my own doing, on purpose. In order to feel happiness one has to experience insurmountable pain. In order to feel pleasure one has to know what "gross" feels like. To appreciate life, one has to walk through miles of death, miles of torture, miles of sorrow to truly appreciate what is out there. Therefore if I spent the last 10 months walking through my own hell, that I created because I wanted to compensate for things I have no control over, then surely I could spend the next 100 months appreciating everything around me. 

Every human interaction is carefully designed. I don't want to say "God" because my God and your God aren't the same, but there are indescribable things in this world that just sometimes fall into place. I was never lost, I never had a more difficult life than everyone else, I never went through hell. I just made myself belief these things. Hell is when you're incapable of loving, incapable of making someone love you. Incapable of moving, incapable of experiencing anything beyond the most toxic of emotions. That is not me. I'm far from hell but like I said, when you walk through your own filth, you find a deep appreciation for your own beauty and the beauty around you. I left my pain in Cuyahoga county. Let's see where this gets me. 

Stay tuned. 

Don't Disturb Me When I'm Eating my Lunch Bitch

Blog got a new look, I'd ask for feedback but I don't give a FUCK about your feedback so if you don't like it suck a dick lmao. Today one of my boys told me he's making Clam Chowder at his restaurant, I work about 10 minutes away so in typical black fashion I raced over there. I never had clam chowder before, it's dope kind of like cream of wheat for white people. Anyway, so I'm sitting down drinking my Caesar and watching tv. There's some old looking dyke next to me. She's arguing with Rogers Cable because she can't pay her bull. In my mind I'm thinking, you can't pay your bill but you're at a bar at 1:15pm on a Monday morning. About 20 minutes later my fries (yes I got fries with the chowder) arrived and I was enjoying my meal. The bitch gets off the phone and starts telling me how she's suicidal, suffers from clinical depression and she's showing me scars of where she just to bang herself with pots and pans in the head and shit.

Bitch I'm trying to enjoy my fries, leave me the fuck alone but I just keep to myself, nod a few times, then continue eating. She then starts talking about how the city has no resources, she's called the suicidal hotline multiple times "they put you on hold for an hour." GOOD bitch it's because you deserve to die but I'll get into that shortly. At this point I had enough and I'm just dreaming of Kate Upton and I got Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" in my head, I'm trying everything I possibly could to make this all go away. She continues: "they tell me I'm an alcoholic but I only drink beer, I don't drink wine, vodka, rum nothing, just beer. Then she tells me she has a degree in engineering. At this point I've had enough. Let's analyse this.  You only drink beer so you could never be an alcoholic? What in the fuck? That's like saying "I'm not addicted to smoking because I only smoke Belmonts" though as the conversation continued I could tell this bitch just wanted sympathy. 

Yes, maybe something traumatic has happened in her past and yes maybe she's disadvantaged from a minor cognitive area but she just wants the world to feel sorry for. Your ass got up and decided to visit a bar, YOU made that choice stop blaming everyone else. You could see the scars all on her hands where she cuts herself, I'm kind of hoping she completes the job, people like that are just taking my free air and wasting it. You can't help people like them. It's the world's fault she can't get off her dyke ass and work a 9-5 because she suffers clinical depression. It's the world's fault she can't afford the blackberry she owns because she's suicidal. If I had a gun I swear on everything I love I'd give it to her and ask her to make sure she completes the job this time around. 

No bitch, the hotline is not responsible for your life. Your case workers are not responsible for your life. Get them fake tears the fuck out of here. Society just got millions of people like this who blame everyone else because they're fucked up. Do something about it, or drink bleach. That should be the motto heading into 2013. If you want to die, do it properly. No one should have to deal what I had to go through today. Eating delicious food and being burdened by someone who takes no accountability in their life. You chose to let that clinical depression take the best of you. You chose to drink. You chose to use fucked up logic pertaining to your alcoholism. Make the world a better place and take control of your actions or die trying. 

I'm tired so I ain't even going to proofread this one. Support the links at the top. Peace.

If you don't know ODB is, you need to re-evaluate your life. 

Obesity and Perceptions

Before I get into it I got to share this personal accomplishment with yall. You would be so proud of me. For the last 3 weeks I've been trying to piss and effectively shake without spilling and not touching my dick with my hands. I could come to you with confidence when I say: I can now piss without holding my dick. Don't ask me how I managed to come up with this idea or how I even accomplished this, but I did. So this morning while I'm drinking my kale shake, I'm watching my future wife Robin Meade on headline news as I do every morning. They cut to this segment from Wisconsin, hear this out.

So a Wisconsin newscaster, pictured above, is obviously obese. Someone wrote her an email criticizing her, admittedly harshly, for being a fat ass. The fat bitch with no neck, as you can see, then gets on the news and addresses the letter. She basically spends a good 5 minutes calling him a bully and she took the "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN ANGLE." Now she's getting overwhelming support and at first I didn't give a fuck but this fat bitch with no neck needs to be put in her place. Whoever wrote her that letter, thank you, you probably saved a life or two. Instead of accepting the way we are, sometimes we need to change it. As you can tell she's weighing a good 250lbs+, that ain't good for nobody. She's the type to go to Walmart and buy about 5 large Cokes and go wild, then eat a big ass bag of chips. For starters, imagine what her box smells like with all that filth going in her body, that can't be good.


Lastly, bitch you're fat and you need to be made aware of that fact. You get on tv everyday and millions of people potentially see you, what does that say about society? When you're obese the fact is, you're poisoning yourself. You got a clogged heart (oh and she's diagnosed with diabetes)...what does that say to the kids Miss Fat Ass? That it's okay to be obese and you could make it on tv and have a decaying ass heart? The world is facing an epidemic because healthy food (trust me I know) costs 900% more at the same caloric intake than unhealthy foods. It needs a fundamental shift but instead you got weak and fat motherfuckers defending themselves. There's nothing to defend. You're a fat, disgusting, and weak human being and statistically speaking the world would flourish from an economic and probably evolutionary standpoint if you were dead. Those are facts. If you're obese, you're a walking ass toxin and as you can see, she don't even have a neck. The smart thing to do would be if she stood there and apologized for failing her own family her own self and promising to work hard and set an example for the kids. As opposed to Mrs. Jennifer Livingston going up there and talking about bullies. Bitch shut the fuck up and owe it to yourself to make the right choices instead of deflecting the blame to others. You're fat and disgusting, fact. Fix it or die at an early age because of your need for twinkies. It's as simple as that.

I'm out.

If you ever watched a full episode of the Big Bang Theory, your life is shit.

The Worst Move of All Time

Before I get into it, this one will contain spoilers from the movie Trouble with the Curve so if you intend on watching the movie, suck a dick and exit the blog. My dad's been crying about seeing this movie for the longest time so I figured Saturday night would be a good time to check it out. For starters, the lineups in the movies are crazy, fucking little kids running around everywhere, I can't believe theatres still make this kind of money but we get to the movies and $21.99 later we're watching Trouble with the Curve. No room anywhere so we have to sit in the front like 2 old women. I've watched a lot of fucked up shit in my life. When I was 12 one of my homies told me that there were hot chicks on the internet blowing horses. I didn't have internet at the time so I went to his house not believing a word he said. Then he logged onto some website and there was a got blonde blowing a horse. It was easily the best/worst thing I seen.

Then I got suspended from school in highschool for a while and I did nothing that week but watch movies. Reno 911 was one of them. It was the dumbest shit I ever seen, and I kept telling myself, it'll get better, it'll get better. Then it ended and I contemplated my reality from the most extreme metaphysical states wondering if I could ever undo the damage society had just bestowed upon me (see I'm smart as fuck niggas). Now there's Trouble with the Curve. I didn't know Justin Timberlake was in this movie but the fact that he is just made it so much worse. The movie revolves around 3 characters: Clint, Justin, and a hot chick who I'd fuck from the back in the middle of a funeral procession cause gotdamn she was fine. Here is the entire movie summarized for you quick: Clint is a baseball scout who sees a problem with one batter. The batter could hit, just not curve balls. His decision gets questioned because his eye sight is going. Clint's daughter finds a Mexican in the parking lot who could pitch. Justin is a scout for another team who likes Clint's daughter....

Clint's daughter convinces the Braves that the Mexican is the pitcher for them. Clint then agrees with her. The movie ends with the Braves hiring the Mexican. That is the entire plot of the movie. No sex scenes, no violence, no conflict, no twist, just a Mexican in a parking lot of a Travelodge who gets signed. In other words, this movie which probably has the same budget as 3 of my paychecks, was nothing other than parading an old man around. We're supposed to suck his dick (pause) because of his past accomplishments. Fuck Clint Eastwood, fuck Justin Timberlake, and fuck the hot chick with the pointy nose for wasting 2 hours of my time with that bullshit. Really? The story ends with a Mexican in a parking lot who apparently is MLB ready. There were no mlb games, there was not even a real story. It's a shame that I spent 21.99 on watching this bullshit. Make the world a better place and don't support this shit.

I'm out.

If your girl never took her 4S and rubbed her pussy with it in front of you, you ain't living right.

This Morning, Shit got Real

You probably don't know this but this Kale shit takes a long time to make for a day's supply. You have to cut up cucumbers, apples, celery and shit like some health freak, it takes like 25 minutes. So today I'm running late in the morning but I make the Kale, down 2 glasses and I have like 3 minutes to jerk off before I leave for work. I pop one off QUICK to some British amateur porn on xvideos and I run out the door. I get in the car and as I turn the corner it hit me, I gotta take a pee. I tell myself fuck it, I'm already late, I work 26 km from home, on a good day I'll make it there in 25, on a bad day I'll make it in 50 minutes, I could hold it. Now, if you know me, you know I got a weak ass bladder. I wouldn't even compare it to a woman, it's something akin to a 2 yr old. People keep telling me to get it checked out and I did, they told me it was something to do with genetics. Fuck my bitch ass genes.

Anyway, back to the story so I need to take a piss but it ain't even serious. I hit the DVP and I got Arcade Fire blasting through the speakers. It's a Thursday morning, the sun is out, it's payday, I'm feeling good. As I'm driving it's obvious I need to pee but no worries, I'm only 20 minutes away from work. Then I hit the Gardiner Expressway. Shit was backed up from Jarvis. I still have another 11km to go and this shit is not moving at all. Now shit's getting real, my legs start shaking. I turn the music off and tell myself that faggot ass music they play in the radio will take my mind off it. I stopped praying to based god, I started praying to Kate Upton. So here I am on the Gardiner begging Kate Upton to let me make it to work and I got the AC on FULL blast, it's like 8 degrees outside. Then I hear Big Sean on a Justin Bieber song say " us, trust, a couple things I can't spell without u" LMAO I'm crying my plan is backfiring cause now I really want to pee. Then he says "the grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it" and now tears are streaming down my face. Those shitty ass rap lines have me crying. I'm about to explode. There is no shoulder on the Expressway so at this point Im just begging to make it the last 4kms. I know I can't make it to the office but I figure I could get to the lot without exploding.

Finally the fucking stalled vehicle that was causing the traffic is gone and I'm going 130/km just begging Kate Upton, let me make it to the lot. I get to the lot, whip out a bottle I had (cause there's cameras everywhere) and proceed to piss while still driving. Now, this ain't the first time I pissed in a bottle and it probably won't be the last. But there's something so dope about this feeling. It's so liberating. You see the shit filling up and your body is releasing all that urine and it feels just as good as getting head. I'm feeling good as fuck, my door wide open, my dick out and the morning fresh air keeping me alive. Then I noticed an Asian lady staring at me in awe. She just stood there, lifeless, staring at me in this euphoric state. Eventually she fucked off and 3 minutes later I grabbed another bottle and was still pissing. We need to make this a movement, the shit feels so good, I advise everyone to piss in a bottle when you can, it's the right way to live.

I'm out.

If you never made out with a fat chick, you ain't living right.

Women Are a Dying Breed

I wake up around 5:40am, take a piss, run a mile, shower, brush my teeth, close my eyes and down a glass of kale. By the time I'm finished with all that shit it's like 6:30. Around that time you get Cheers on TBS, which is the only good thing to come out of Boston because of the rest of that city has herpes. However, TBS switched up on me, they now show the Cosby show. Today I'm sitting there watching the Cosby show and it hit me, women are a dying breed. In  10 years, women will no longer exist. Let's take Claire Huxtable for example. Claire Huxtable was a fucking bad bitch. She was a lawyer so she'd go into work and contribute at least 50% to the household from a financial standpoint. She'd then come home and the first thing she would do is cook for her family. She'd spend quality time with the kids. Just look into her eyes right the fuck now, she definitely has that dope ass box. Claire Huxtable's box is impeccable. It's flawless. Breathtaking. When Claire Huxtable lays on that bed you KNOW you're getting some rare minerals DEEP in the congo. That's what you get with Claire and why? Because she was a woman. She took care of hers, she fought for everything in life and she exploited her every asset. It's with deep sadness that I tell yall, women are a dying breed.

Look at it from today's perspective. You think women are being built like Claire? FUCK No.Women are a dying breed, today's society is filled with grown ass little girls. 20s 30s 40s, all girls who have no idea what it takes to be a woman. They don't know what it's like to cook a hot meal with love then get on those knees and lick those veins like a real woman would. Today's society is filled with little girls. They're obsessed with materialism, lack ambition, have every excuse in the book, and pretend like they don't want to get fucked from the back while listening to "Ava Maria." That's the difference between then and now, there's little girls out here who are insecure and sit there and download apps and have a tumblr account and think they're the shit because they have 1200 friends on facebook. No bitch, you ain't shit. You think Claire Huxtable gave a fuck about a Tumblr account? No, because she was a real woman.

She catered to the needs of those that loved her and guess what, she got her return. She got the materialism so many little girls crave. She got kids, she got a successful career, and she did all that while still being a motherfucking freak in bed. In 2012, vagina is devalued and almost worthless because a chick will put out for a LinkedIn connection. That's the problem with today's society, these grown ass little girls are killing it. Look into those eyes, such conviction, not a fucking ounce of insecurity in that body and if she had it, she didn't show it because she had trust and confidence in herself. Claire Huxtable KNEW she was a bad bitch and made that work to her advantage. Women are dying and every month it just gets worse and worse causing men to resort to dumb shit like a fleshlight (google it). If you're the last of a dying breed then work towards investing in yourself, telling them insecure thoughts to fuck themselves, focus on the positive but most important, trust yourself and work towards happiness. You too could be like Claire...

I'm out.

If you never ate a Joe Louis (pause), you ain't living right.