The Value in Death

Last night I dreamt my mom died. I'm sure over the course of my 25+ years, I've had a dream like this or similar to this at least 20x in my life but this one was different. It chopped me up into pieces with the vivid images I was receiving. It was a depth of hell I had never entered and in the end it took me to heaven. I was forced to see myself and realize I'm a helpless dude just like everyone else in this world. With death comes a lack of control and I think that was the scariest thing in all of this.

In the dream my mom died, she suffocated somehow. She was working out on a machine or some shit, something slipped cut off her circulation and bam, my life changed. I'm dumbing this down because i don't care to share every detail with the world but it was deep. I was faced with the realization my safety net was gone. Everything I knew or thought I knew was changing. My attitude reflected weakness of an imaginable size, I was no longer myself. My mom died and I was facing challenges I was incapable of completing. This was hell of an epic degree, not because I missed her or the warm cooked meals would no longer be there. I was no longer in control of me, my life had changed forever and I had no one to trust, no one to love, no one to support me in a world where we all need these things. With her dying, everything that made me strong temporarily left my body. This was very real, then I woke up.

I woke up with a new appreciation for everything around me. There are people in this world who are just like my mother. They give me support, they sacrifice themselves, they give me everything they have with interest and I just want to say thank you. When you go, just like this fucked up dream, I go with you. I'll always be some dickhead that talks a lot of shit but deep down I appreciate everything people have done for me in this world and I hope they know who they are. When the routine changes and the world we know, no longer becomes the world we know, we value things. We value things we never witnessed before, we value the truth. We value reality. We value the strength and commitment it takes to be stronger. My mom died in the dream and I became a shred of who I once were. We need each other more than we think. Thank you.

Nightmares

At 6:20 every morning I wake up, look outside, then proceed to run at least a mile. It's part of my daily routine, something I have to often convince myself to do but everytime I do it I feel great. Then I'll shower, change, make breakfast, watch an episode of the Office and head out the door. Get in the Versa and I'm on my way. I work 20km from home, which is a 30 minute drive in rush hour. While I'm driving I only have one thought in my head, god, please don't grant me with any children that want to be dickheads for a living. That's my biggest nightmare, something I dream about regularly. Imagine having kids, raising them as best you could and then at 21 they decide they want to get on stage and suck and fuck inflatable penises. Surely it ain't the parents fault. Surely this is just a result of a child being a fucking dickhead. I know I lived wrong a lot of my life but I sure as fuck don't deserve this headache if I ever have kids. 

See here's the thing with Miley, she never got to experience the heaux stage of her life. All her life she had to maintain that clean cut image of being Hannah Montana and she was never able to fully be a teen. At 16 years old she wasn't fingered in the back of the theatre like most girls her age. She ain't get to cheat on her teen boyfriend with a dude from college because she was too busy pleasing the Family Channel. In a way I get it, she missed out on some prime years where you, as a female, get to experience being used in exchange for an inflated self esteem. Most teens go through it but she didn't. 

So I'd understand if she hopped a few boyfriends, did a few minor drugs, had a few nip slips in public. It'd all make sense, she's just re-living her teens the right way. I'd understand if she had a few crazy outfits and a few drunken nights on the town. But this bitch is taking it too far. Why the fuck are you sucking an inflatable penis in front of little girls you sick Mccaulay Culkin looking fuck. No one said don't be a heaux, but you're performing in London in front of a million impressionable girls and you're out there riding inflatable cocks and playing with yourself. Fuck outta here Miley Cyrus, you dumb cunt. It ain't the parents fault in this case, no parent can ever fuck up so bad to make their child want to come out and ride a floating cock. No parent is that bad. Miley Cyrus is just the epitome of a dickhead and I hope with all the will in my body, my future child is nothing like a dickhead. My weak heart can't take it. Inshallah. 

Weak Beings

It has since been confirmed, the world is one giant, weak clit. I used to have hope for this world. I lived in a world where Biggie rapped "I hope you know my nigga gutta like to kidnap kids, fuck em in the ass throw em over the bridge" and people sung along. No Nancy Grace analyzing these lyrics on a nightly basis. No protests for anyone against child rape. It was a line that fit the time, we understood it to be art. No one fucked a kid in the ass and threw him over a bridge, this was art, this was New York in the 90s. This was a rough exterior, a composition of all things meant to express yourself. Fast forward 20 years, you think someone could rap like that today? Fuck no. 

If Biggie gave us that line today there would be a line of people crying. There would be sponsorships being pulled and the world would get on its high horse pretending that Biggie meant what he wrote. This weekend we saw two very similar acts that depict the soft world we live in. Michael Sam, the gay NFL player was on ESPN in a pink polo kissing some skinny white dude built like a girl. Let's address this first. If you can play football, you can play football and deserve to be on an NFL team. If Michael Sam is worthy of being in a football roster then I'm glad he got the opportunity, he deserves it. Why the fuck is he in a Pink Polo and why the fuck is he kissing some white dude that looks like Jake Gylenhall (sp). That's some weak shit. I don't care if it's ignorant, this is sports. This is a barbaric sport where people don't make it past the age of 50. Yet there goes Michael Sam in his pink polo. We've sadly become conditioned to accept this batty-mon behavior. There's no space for Pink Polos, and kissing men in sports I don't care what you do in your own home. 

Then today I got faced with a tragic reality. Jay-Z, the man who influenced me for years with "Can I live"..."The Blueprint"..and "The Black Album." Flawless records filled with gems 50 years after my time. Teaching you how to survive, how to be a man, how you were born down 30 points and how to even the score. Jay-Z was a big part of my growth, he gave us hope, strength, power displayed the true art of survival in a world we're not meant to be. Then today happened. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out TMZ but basically Jay-Z got his ass beat by Beyonce's sister (she's today's picture). Beyonce's sister caught Jay-Z in an elevator and went ape shit, while Jay-z pretty much stood there trying to calm her down and Beyonce didn't move a finger. What happened to protecting yourself? What happened to living your rhymes? She knocked him in the face and he stood there, lifeless. The world is getting soft, corrupted by weak beings and every time Cee-Lo does another live performance it gets a bit softer. Make the world a better place, stand up for what's right and knock people the fuck out when they deserve it. Inshallah. 

Get Rob Ford the Fuck Out of Here

I've always backed Rob Ford, politically. His attempts to clean up city Hall have always been valid, his strive to reach the needy areas have been documented and he doesn't take shit from the pretentious faggots located in city hall. With that said, I rather live in a world with 1000000 Donald Sterlings than 1 Rob Ford. I was fine with his antics, his corruption, his ancient views, his alcoholism and his drug use but last week, in my eyes he finally crossed the line.

The evidence is clear as day, he was in his sister's basement doing crack with his sister. Now his sister, either is a drug addict or a recovering addict, whichever is, but I view that as a piece of shit, cunt of a man, enabling his sister. Forget being the Mayor of Toronto, you're a grown ass man. A man. Yet you hand your sister, a clear addict, a crack pipe. Fuck you Rob Ford. That's the lowest I've seen a human go in a long ass time. It's one thing to get drunk in public and do crack but to hand your sister a crack pipe is the lowest of the lows. The world would be better off without people like this. I hope Rob Ford is never in a position of power again. I hope he spends the rest of his breaths on earth in a locked room eating lean cuisine and listening to Mumford and Sons on repeat. Fuck you Rob Ford, that's your mother fucking blood and you're doing crack with an addict, you're sister.

Today, once again he crossed the line. In Rob Ford's magical world, he's in a "working kind of rehab" where he gets to answer emails, talk to reporters and work on his campaign. Fuck this guy with every breathe in my body, a living breathing cunt piece of shit. Who the fuck is he fooling? Then he compared rehab to the Washington Redskins training camp. Anyone with half a brain understands that the whole point of rehab is to shut yourself out from the rest of the world while you rebuild your life. You're faced with insurmountable mental tasks, you're forced to face reality. Yet Rob Ford wants us to believe he's in some great facility where he works out and beats off to YouPorn because he's in some special rehab. Fuck out of here Rob Ford is at home doing crack, eating beef jerky and acting like the racist cunt piece of shit he is. He crossed the line when he handed his sister, an addict, a crack pipe. He then wants us to believe this dumb shit about how rehab is amazing. Fuck out of here. Millions of people suffer from addiction and they bust their ass to face a GLIMMER of hope that they can recover. This cunt is in his basement dancing to Headley and doing crack. Fuck you Rob Ford, fuck your lying cunt ass. I've never seen someone with such low character repeatedly find ways to piss on themselves even more. Harsh realities will present themselves and unfortunately we'll see this train wreck come to an end, one way or another, Inshallah.

What it means to die

Without getting into too many details because I don't care to discuss the specifics, I know a few people dying. Dying as in they got a few months and they'll be gone. My favourite girl in the world, Lana, told us we were born to die. However we're human and we've mastered the art of distracting ourselves from reality. I got 90k tweets and I'll admit today, most of them are to distract myself from some shit I avoid. Whether it's long term or short term, I distract myself and you do as well. You can't really distract yourself when death comes knocking on the door, all you  have is a clock that is running out.

I try to put myself in this position, having gone through this before with a loved one, I wouldn't wish this on Hitler. It's mental torture to the highest degree in such a manner words can't ever describe it. Knowing a loved one is dying and feeling that helplessness wreaks all throughout my body, I haven't gotten over it and never will. Deep down I realize human beings are just filled with bullshit. Everything is okay. I went through sleepless nights because my ass got fired but 2 weeks later I was back on my feet making more money I ever seen. We don't trust us and when our backs are against the wall we want to compare ourselves to others, I mastered this as well. When my back is against the wall I'm thinking of all the people who fucked up before me trying to console myself, cause I'm a pussy.

Everything is okay. Life is beautiful. We live in a world with amazing waterfalls, light, honey badgers, sex, everything is within a plane ride. Tomorrow if I wanted I can ride a donkey, isn't that fucking cool? But we fail to see it because we're insecure pussies incapable of facing the truth. We knew at 5 years old we weren't going to last on this world forever. It's a mental agreement we made a long time ago, shit we got no choice. As hard as it is, I'm going to enjoy life more. I'm going to value people more, even Donald Sterling. Who knows how long this attitude will last but I need it and so do you, you weak bitches. We need life, we need each other, we're not different. Everything is okay. Your exams will pass, your failed relationships will teach you valuable lessons, and hopefully you learn more about yourself and make your life a meaningful one. Or end up bitter like Nancy Grace. Don't make tomorrow count, just realize you're okay and your bitch ass isn't in this alone, the feelings you feel, the emotions you face, the failure and success, it's universal. Inshallah.

Free Donald Sterling

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What Really Happened In My Life

Amazing ain't it. 4+ years later and I'm still drawn to this thing like it's the only thing I have in this world. I started this in December of 2009 as a means of talking shit. Then I graduated university and thought I knew everything. No scratch that, I fell in love, she died, I graduated, had a cushy office job, got fired, 2 weeks later got an even better cushy office job, started 1500 blogs as a way of talking shit, drank more, did more drugs, had more sex, cut out the vices, lost 15+ pounds, only to end up back at square one. I love this space more than you'll ever know. Let's talk. 

I miss me. This was a really cool place with my thoughts and then I became a pussy. I started listening to people when they would tell me their perceptions of the blogs and my thoughts and who I was or who I thought I was. IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT. I don't proofread my life so why the fuck did I start proofreading this blog. If you hate it you hate it if you love it you love it but I don't care. 90% of things we do in life, it's bullshit. You please your parents, then you go learn about Shakespeare and try to find yourself, then you get a job and it really all goes downhill, while somehow making sense. If you had to live life your way what would you do? I certainly wouldn't be up at 6:30am every morning running miles and driving 25km to work in the real estate industry as a consultant. I'd be doing blow off models and listening to "Kashmir" on repeat. Zeppelin for all you young clowns that are wondering what I was talking about. 

We try to be responsible and make others happy but in the end we're programmed to survive, not to be happy. In order to survive we do dumb shit like get degrees and wear cardigans and shit. I been wearing Levis and Polo tees since 1995 and I won't ever stop. Stop doing things for others and start living for you. Maintain morality in every sense capable but stop being a faggot, go out and make shit happen. Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, I've peed on numerous women in this world it is what it fucking is. I'm not boasting I just feel like coming clean. Tomorrow I'll have to walk into the office and act all normal, can I live?

Make this world yours, nothing else matters. Your parents hurt you by trying to help you. The people you call friends, only 10% of them really are friends the other 90 keep you around because they want to feel good about themselves. I'm presenting reality in the end the steady paycheck is great but it takes away from much of your life. Stability takes away from who you are, it minimalizes you diminishes the little individualism you have. Your job ain't all that important in the world we both know you spend more time fucking off work than actually working. Grab hold of something that makes you smile and gravitate towards it, everyday. This blog makes me smile, people make me smile, sports make me smile, wearing pants and listening to Avici or DeadMau5 makes me want to stab myself in the penis, we're different. Have a great week you guys, things change within seconds, stay on top of your life and don't give a fuck about anyone until you take care of yourself. Inshallah.