2 Year Anniversary- Random Thoughts

It's been 2 years since I started this shit. Some good, some bad came from it. Got a lot of pussy, some decent cash, death threats, first class flights, failed business opportunities you name it. A fucking roller coaster, just the way I like it.  I was going to bitch bout my problems today but said fuck it, I don't want to ruin your Christmas so instead I'll dream. If I ever get rich I'm doing to things. 1) Going to take ibogaine (google it if you're lost) 2) Fly on an empty plane somewhere. I'll need a lot of money for that and at first it'll seem like a waste but it's something I REALLY want to do. Sit there by myself, Oddly enough I been on a plane with 3 people once it was pretty cool, great feeling I can't describe but I need one for a longer journey. 

I need to start doing healthy things like getting a massage and breathing properly and not doing crazy drugs and shit. Maybe one day I'll be like that nigga on Parks and Rec. y'all know which one the healthy guy. Oh and fuck all y'all that had a good year lmao. 2011 should be renamed to: Lets see how far we can fuck JJ in his ass (pause) so if you had a good year then eat a dick with olives on it smh. I been trying meditating but it clearly aint working, though I blame my self. A nigga gets up on the bed and closes his eyes then immediately I start to think about banging Daisy Marie in her ass and it all goes downhill from there. I need more structure in my life. Like a rich white girl who has an "organizer" who guides me LMAO. 

That white chick in My Name is Earl is so attractive, even though she's not supposed to be. I think her name is Joy on the show, ya I need a white girl like that but less crazy and more class. Ironic, me talking about less crazy and more class. Y'all enjoy these Christmas Holidays trust me you don't want to be me. I know someone who knows someone who took their life today. It's a cold ass world and I tend to take all that shit for granted. Stare your faggot ass relatives dead in the eye and tell their faggot ass you love em, y'all don't want to see the glass completely empty as a lot of us do on a daily basis. See what happens when I listen to Lana Del Rey, I get in that mood lmao. I'll stop now though, Merry Christmas and I hope each and every one of you get some dope head or fingered or whatever rocks your world, Christmas without dope head is like going to Starbucks and ordering a passion fruit juice. LMAO I'm out y'all.

Peace.

Here We Go Again

I try not to be ungrateful but there are certain things I just can't help but think about. Don't blame me. I got a friend who has a sister and my friend fine as hell but her sister the one with good grades, the nice dude blah blah blah. She has all these family functions and doesn't want to show up single so she calls me and I'm usually her pretend boyfriend. In return, I used to get a mean blowjob now I just get free booze smh. But it was Thanksgiving and shorty had the gathering at her Aunt's place. This was thanksgiving and I'm black, I was raised a certain way. When you invite someone over at your crib you make them feel at home, give them a meal with love and take care of them. 

A nigga showed up for thanksgiving expecting everything and the kitchen sink. You know what I got, corn from a can, turkey, gravy, rice, and mini croissants you get in a pack for like $2.99. Man what the fuck, I ain't travel halfway across the city for this bullshit. AND WHAT the fuck do you eat with the rice? The turkey? Nigga please the least she could have done was fry the rice, add peas or something. A nigga spent his thanksgiving eating this garbage, let's be real that lady stuck the turkey in the oven and went to masturbate for 12 hours, came back, opened the can of corn and boiled some fucking rice. That was her meal she was serving to the people she "cared for." You know what's worse. This old ass lady spent the entire dinner bragging about how long the turkey took and how she got it perfect. White people don't know shit about cooking with love. Bullshit ass meals, bullshit ass "gatherings," bullshit ass dinnertime conversation man I couldn't wait to get out of there and hit KFC for the Big Box Meal with an extra side of coleslaw. 

So now another holiday is upon us (fuck that sounded gay let me try this again) Now Christmas is here and shorty hits me up pleading to roll with her on Saturday night. I value her a lot so I got no choice but to go. BUT I told her I'm skipping dinner. I'm doing this shit the ghetto way. I'm going to to Popeyes, pick up a 2 piece with an extra biscuit. Then I'm going eat it in the car on my way to the spot. When I get there I'm going to tell her Aunt I already ate at another family function, I'll have one of those bootleg ass croissants that been sitting in a grocery store for 7 weeks and I'll pretend to be happy. Then I'll hit their liquor cabinet for everything they got. That's what my life has become. I got to put on a James Bond type mission on Christmas eve and hang around fake white people, all because I live for alcohol and I want to tap into that Johnny Walker Blue. The things I do for the love of my life. I'm out. 

Peace.

Entering the World Of Faggotry

That's me holding a Gingerbread latte at Starbucks today, let me explain. About 2 months ago I lost a bet. I took Notre Dame, she took Michigan. Notre Dame was up by about 700 and suddenly Michigan score 700 points in the 4th quarter, I lose. Had I won man I won't even tell y'all the greatness I would have gotten but I lost. She knows how I hate starbucks, their fucked up terminology and everything with it so she decided I got to go to Starbucks and order a Gingerbread latte. To y'all this might sound like no big deal but I'm ALWAYS about principle. Fuck I look going up to a "barista" and ordering a Venti Gingerbread latte with cream on top. But anyways today I happened to be in a spot where Starbucks was around and figured it was a good time to pay up.

So I'm there in a big ass line where everyone are fags. The girls were kind of hot but you could tell they got weird ass personalities. The dudes were huge faggots who probably listen to Bruno Mars and know how to dance the "Waltz" whatever the fuck that is. (I hear things then repeat them like a child does, without knowing their real meaning) So I get to the chink lady (barista)  and I look at the board. Hold up a Venti is like $7 nah baby we in a recession I'll take the "Tall." See what I mean y'all, in the faggot world of starbucks, Tall means small. WHAT THE FUCK. Why the fuck these Seattle assholes have to be so different for, selling shitty cds and shitty books and shitty syrups. I don't give a fuck for this shit but if you need a coffee nigga go to the grocery pick up a big ass tin of Foldgers or Nabisco and go crazy for a month. Anyway in the wonderful world of Starbucks, a Small latte came up to $4.12. That's 2 fucking lottery tickets smh. 

Now I ordered the gayness and have to wait in another line while a dude in an apron makes it for me. Yes, dude who is making niggas coffee is in a fucking apron. This shit can't get any worse. Now I got no clue what a latte is, I thought it was like a funny word for something similar to hot chocolate. I'm thinking a Latte is the Hot version of a DQ Blizzard and at $4.12 this shit will taste good. I don't know what the fuck gingerbread spice is, as I never had a gingerbread cookie in my life but the emphasis is on cookie I'm thinking this tastes good. About 3 months ago I had my first expresso. Shit was nasty. Let me tell you what the shit I drank today was. It's like 2 shots of expresso. Mixed with every fucking spice and herb from my kitchen cabinet. It's like the dude in the apron grabbed 2 shots of expresso, mixed it together with paprika, black pepper, oregano, seasoning salt,and added a half cup of vinegar. That's what I drank Who the fuck willingly drinks this shit. I downed the thing like a pint and went about my day, a day that started with pure faggotry which I had to share. I'm out.

Peace.

What Recession?

God, let the record show I was going to write a completely different blog on a certain topic but it's Christmas time and I decided to take the high road (I been doing that a lot lately) So ya God, you owe me. I've done a lot of my Christmas shopping (by the way I got the most amazing gift today: a dog/usb thing that humps the computer) but I still had to get a few things. So Christmas is coming and I know the malls are crazy as is so I decide to hit the mall. The first thing I notice is United Way or one of those charities doing gift wrapping so I'm thinking good cause I don't know how to wrap that shit. Then I see "suggested donation prices" $3 for small, $5 for medium, $7 for large gifts. Nigga please, I know it's only suggested but fuck I look like paying $7 for some 14 year old jack off to wrap a few things for me. Fuck that I'll do it on my own. 

I'll sound like an old ass person here but I haven't been in a mall in years. To be honest the last I remember of the Mall was the $4 movie theaters (which no longer exist) and the niggas selling Popcorn at a cart for $1.50. I don't think that shit exist either. So I go in the mall and the decor (I don't know what this word means I'll assume interior style) is all fucked up like I'm in a Palace in Rome. It's a cold ass world out there but the Mall got fancy ceramic tiles and shit. I decide to get my brother a fitted cap. Now New Era Sponsors me and I get a lot of free shit, I just didnt have time to ask them for a hat, I walk into Lids. I look at every fucking hat on that shelf: $45.99. NIGGA WHAT? Add the 13% tax and we talking 50 + for a fucking fitted cap. Man I could get that shit in a footlocker in Queens for $21.99. Shit's insane.

I say fuck this, I'm going to Champs to get him a hoodie. He rocks a lot of hoodies and he likes his shit dark and plain like I do. A PLAIN fucking hoodie at Champs is $55.99. Shit can't be serious when I was 13 that shit used to go for $17.99 regular price and like $15 on sale. I look at the track pants, $40, also plain and no name. How the fuck do y'all afford shit. Who the fuck is paying $60+ for a hoodie with no brand on it. I ended up getting him 2 Nike tees that came up to $45. It ain't bout the money it's fucking principle. Yet all the stores were packed, people buying that shit like they got money to burn. It ain't that I'm cheap it's that I know what it's like to have $8 in the bank account and I refuse to go back to those days but damn, how the fuck do y'all people live in a world where a basic outfit costs $300+. This place is fucked. I get my shit mailed to me for free by a bunch of companies who pay me to write and I've never been more thankful. Not a clearance rack in sight, clearly the times have changed but this shit makes no sense. Ah well, for those people who love materialistic things I hope the 72 hours of satisfaction was worth it, I'll stick to the fruit of the loom tees I get at Walmart. I'm out.

Peace.

The Weekend and the Message.

So here's what happened. The end result to this entire fucked up weekend is the picture to your left, now let me explain. Somewhere along the line I decided I was going to get stupid drunk all week, which I did. Then Saturday night happened. I'm at this party which was gay, so I come home, change, and hit the Annex for another birthday party. I don't know how to behave in the presence of alcohol and I'm pretty childish. See the club was alright, some old school hip hop, a good vibe minus the fucking crowd and the shitty cover, everything was cool. As always I enter the club already drunk and I head straight for the bartender, who I convince to make all my doubles into triples (I try this everywhere I go) 

A nigga drinking his screwdrivers, triple vodkas in that shit and just chilling. Then it sorta all went downhill. For whatever reason the club went from playing Pharaohe Monch  (which no one but me and my boys knew) to Hollerback Girl by Gwen Stefani. Now I'm mad, I fucking hate college kids and all of a sudden it hits me. I'm at a college place, with college kids, who are wilding out on the dance floor. Nah something has to happen, all these motherfuckers are acting a fool. I start throwing shit at people on the dance floor, mints, really anything I could find. Then I had enough of these white people so I tell my boys it's time to bounce. But before I go for whatever reason I got into it with a white girl. I forget why to be honest but one thing leads to another and as she's walking down the stairs my foot SLIPS and kicks her in her ass. At the time I had a valid reason as to why my foot slipped I just can't remember it now. She dare not turn around either shorty didn't fall or anything she just kept going (none of this is my fault, as I said my foot slip)

Long story short I end up at the Green Room, MUCH better spot. Homeboy is lighting his spliff at the table with the tea-light and we're high as fuck drinking with a really anti-social crowd. The type of crowd where everyone of those motherfuckers are the type to shoot up a high school. Anyway I made it home around 4:30am on Sunday morning. That's when it all gets fuzzy. I don't remember shit but talking shit on twitter then going to bed. But yet I wake up to the text message you see above. What could I have told shorty for her to sound THAT dejected? Why the fuck is she even apologizing and assuming guilt for, as far as I know she did nothing wrong. Now, a rule I live by is to never look back at the drunk messages I send but clearly I must have cussed her off or something pretty bad. Probably blamed her for all my worries and blamed her for not curing cancer or something who knows I was drunk but how does one respond to a text like that? I was thinking about it all day, then I just decided to plead stupid: "Oh it's okay" LMAOOOOOOOO I ain't shit y'all. I'm out. 

Peace.

The Family Reunion

After weeks of deliberation, I decided to be the better person and attend this family reunion thing that's taking place on Sunday. I fucking hate family like you wouldn't believe, bound together by some shitty blood. If most these people died I wouldn't give a fuck about them and they wouldn't give a fuck about me. But I took the high road, one of those "it would make my mom happy kinda crap because she likes this" so I said I'm going. So many problems with this I don't know where to begin. My aunt is funding it and I hate it. She's the type to do something for you and hold it over your head forever. That's when I said, "I'm a grown ass man, I'll pay, it ain't nothing." My mom said oh don't worry about it, it's a buffet. 

Who the fuck eats all you can eat, that shit is for people in trailer parks and greedy ass motherfuckers who never seen food. For $10 you getting an unlimited food supply of meats, carbs, dessert, etc. and you expect that shit to be good? Nigga please. If you want the truth I kind of got tired of "hope" and coping and shit, these days I'm just living solely for the purpose of living. There ain't much out there anymore that excites me I'm layered with deep mental problems that has me thinking tomorrow will be no different than today so I'm going to wank to amateur Milf Porn and I took up cooking so that gets me through these cold ass days. I'm tired of hearing "hang in there." See y'all would read that and feel sorry for me, trust me I'm good but THIS family....unreal. Half of these people slept with each others husbands, half got addictions ranging from blow to alcohol, and the rest are the ones who "know everything" you just can't win.

I don't love these people, I don't care for them, I'm indifferent to everything but on Sunday I'll have to go, with a smiley face like this " :) " and pretend to enjoy the shitty all you can eat food. Then I'll have to give everyone hugs and shit, I'm fucking anti social don't touch me unless I've said the words "I love you." I could think of 1000 better things I could be doing than this but I'll have to suck it up (pause). They're bringing a cake too, then they'll all pretend that they're the best of friends, then in 3 weeks my uncle will get evicted or my aunt, who has been convicted of fraud like 20x will catch another case. Rinse and repeat, yet I'm supposed to feel connected to her. I say this to say, to anyone reading this, I stay connected to y'all. Y'all are real people who I fuck with, who I smoke with, some of y'all I fuck and some will give up their fallopian tube to see me smile. Y'all keep me sane and y'all are the reason I do this, much love and think of me on Sunday when I'm sitting across the table from a bunch of people who think having a good time is smiling for a camera and posting it on facebook to show the world how happy they are, re-assuring themselves that everything is okay when it really isn't.

Peace.

Back Again Like for the 100th time.

I'm back motherfuckers and more bitter than you've ever seen me. Everyday it's something new, another failed contract, another broken relationship, another day where I got to wake up and view the world and think "damn everyone in this mothafucker is fucked." Was walking through the halls of school today. What could very well be the last time I ever walk through those halls, thinking "now, what next." Just had to stand still for a moment and let it hit me. I endured 4.5 years of unnecessary crap for a piece of paper and now what. Work in a fucking office doing some tedious fucking job and hating shit even more. I love to write but I'm too fucked up to ever keep a stable job, this job application process is the most painful shit ever. 

Speaking of pain my "significant other" hold up let me google significant other to see what that really means. Ya good enough. My significant other pulled some dumb ass shit today, I sensed this was going to happen but the justification topped it all off. I won't get into that though she has to tolerate me too, I don't know why but she does.You know what I want for Christmas, complete isolation. I don't care about gifts, I don't care about cash, I don't care about these gay ass carols or some fat Sandusky motherfucker asking kids if they been naughty. I want a one way ticket to a warm place where I know very few people, where I can make enough cash to live a bit comfortably. By comfortably I mean a couch and a laptop and maybe microwave. I want to be in a place where no one knows your name. I used to watch Cheers thinking, that must be the coolest shit ever, where everybody knows your name. ASK SAM MALONE if he was happy in the place where everyone knows your name. Dude joined a group for sexual addiction or something and told everyone to fuck off, that's what life did to Sam Malone. 

You know what I want to do for the rest of my life, eat fries, write, and drink. But I can't. If I eat fries like I want to eat fries, I'll end up like those niggas on TLC who are 800lbs. If I write what I really want to write, no one will appreciate it because I would have crossed "the line" and not get paid. WHAT FUCKING LINE, people do all sorts of immoral shit but because I spit my own perception of things from my own heart there's a problem right? If I drank the way I wanted to drink I'd be dead by next week. Life is all filled with these gay ass limitations and if we don't follow them we end up like Janis Joplin. There's nothing great about this Christmas. It's cold, niggas out here killing each other, had a gun pointed at me this week during a Robbery and I fucking ordered a gift from Victoria Secret on Dec. 7th and today I get a call "there were problems." SO you dumb fucking rejects couldn't let me know a week ago when the problem occurred.

I envy those people who don't know better. Those Born Again Christmas motherfuckers who preach all this nonsense like they're really making a difference. Those naive people who think the government is out for their best interests. The people who believe that they love their wives even though they're banging Blockbuster employees once a week. That's the people I envy. I'm back baby and I'm fucking on a tear because for the past 12 months, very little has gone my way and I WISH I could say I was to blame, but 90% of this shit was out of my control, so fuck you and your happiness. Catch me on twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/BronxBomber45

Peace.