No blog today.

I'm burnt out. I wish I was Jesus' disciple. Drink wine, eat bread, those niggas probably had hoes and shit. Wonder if the girls shaved their shit back then. Wonder if Joseph got any from Mother Mary, did he ever hit it. Did Jesus ever hit anything? Who the fuck wants to live 33 years, get killed in dramatic fashion and never have sex. Fuck man salute to you Jesus, I'm going to jack off and drink a shitload of wine on good friday cause you died for my sins, so if I don't commit them, the nigga died in vein. 

Ya I'm not about to let that happen. Peace.

Muslim Girls Won.

I've been getting lots of emails and stuff so let me just say this. I've been studying for this psychology exam for weeks now, my brain is fried. After tomorrow, I have one more exam, which finishes on the 26th. Which means yes, for all you ragers coming in for the UFC. I will be at St. Louis Bar and Grill on the 28th. Let me tell you, I haven't had a drink in weeks, I haven't had a good spliff, well yes I had but still. I haven't had any "Roddy White" since Vegas. On the 28th, I'm going as hard as I possibly can. Yankee fitted, come say what's up. I'll be pretty out of it though, it's circled on my calendar. When I'm done with that shit I want to look like those people on Intervention. Let me know if you plan to come through, Road Rages are fucking amazing. It's at 313 Bremner blvd. for those wondering and kicks off at 8pm. Porn stars will indeed be in attendance and I'm not exaggerating.

So shorty is withholding sex from me cause well I don't really know why. Oh ya, I told her " your bitchy ways don't work on me." Since then she hasn't given it up since and when I ask, she says " Sorry I'm protesting." So I've been thinking of ways to get it back because trust me, she got that good box. She's always so fucking horny too. Anyways I decided to talk to her Muslim friend. I was just bored and it's 3am and the chick is in Dubai so I just wanted to have a conversation with her. After that conversation I just want to let it be known, if there is any girl reading this and I've had any sort of relationship with you over the past year. With the exception of CEO chick, my relationships with everyone else is officially over. Y'all ain't shit. CEO chick I still love you though even though you got that problem with whis..., nevermind.

Everytime we go out, there's always a Muslim chick around who is sitting with her white friends and shit. We always neglect the Muslims because they got that hidden box, who the fuck knows what's down there? But it's 3am and I'm thinking fuck it, I'm going to ask this chick about her life, I want to know what that box is like and how could I get to it. Bad news first, the only way you get to a Muslim girl's box is if you marry her. She might suck you off if you're engaged but if you want to hit it, you have to be her husband, they wait it out. So that's the bad news which I discovered first. Then came the good news....

Her box has been waxed everyday as she prepares for her first time. When I asked her about the pain her response was " oh well, it's worth it for myself." Secondly I straight up asked, would you be conservative sexually. She said she'd be willing to do almost anything her husband was willing to try. I put that theory to test: " If I was your husband, could I pee on you." " If you wanted to try, I'd be more than willing." Alright so I'm thinking wow. Now let's ask again " Would you be tossing my salad?" She had to google it and returned with " yes." The only think you can't do with her is anal and threesomes, something about it being against her religion and she ain't down with either.

So let's do the math. Asian girls are like KIAs, they suck and only a certain amount of people drive them. Spanish girls are like minivans, efficient and comforting but won't ever last forever. Black girls are like public transport, only the lowest of the low use them. White girls are like SUVs or luxury cars and shit, amazing until you realize you don't need the unnecessary shit that comes with it. Then you have Muslim Girls, they are like a fucking private Jet, that G6 shit.

They got money cause she from Dubai. They got the most perfect box ever because it's untouched and perfectly clean just waiting for you. She's willing to do whatever with you (except anal and threesomes) so long as you wait. They are the most loyal Taliban heauxs ever because Allah told them to be loyal, they won't ever cheat and fuck around so you don't got to worry about that. So why rush around and drive all these cars when I could wait and have a G6? Who needs y'all when those Muslim girls are just waiting, box prepared and I just need to wait for it, it's too easy. Currently reciting this my niggas, get with it: The Key to Muslim Box.

Peace.

Quite Possibly the Dumbest Man In the world.

Before I get into it, I have a sneaking suspicion that the white folks I know are exactly like the ones portrayed on the OC. Yup, I'm bout to cut all ties with that fucked up race. Please convince me otherwise. Alright story time:

My mom been crying and shit for like 2 weeks now and I sorta knew why but didn't know the whole story. Today I got it. About 5 years ago my uncle back in Trinidad got some disease or some shit and he can't walk properly. Now his daughter needed some cash as a down payment  because she wanted to attend the University of Stoke in England or some shit, he couldn't afford it and she had to beg, eventually some of her rich family paid it. That was like 4 years ago and ever since then, his family has been shitting on him. They literally haven't spoken in 4 years, at all even though they live in the same house. 

Now he celebrated his birthday 2 weeks ago, his 50th. He got up in the morning and told them to get the fuck out of his house, all of them. In one hour a moving van was at the house and they loaded their shit (his wife and two daughters) into garbage bags and got out of his house. They now live with his mother-in-law and he filed for separation and they never want to see him again. He said he had been planning this day for a long time and was just waiting to live to 50. Then promised himself the day he did it, he would no longer have contact with any of them. So I don't talk to any of them but because it's his 50th I talked to him 2 weeks ago. I said hey whatup, his response: " Nigga today is a blessing. A motherfucking blessing. Don't you dare get married, don't you dare knock any girl up. Fuck em and leave em." I said " thanks for the advice" and that was that.

Fast forward two weeks later. My mom been crying and shit saying he got no money. When I asked why the fuck he don't have no money, here's what I gathered. What I'm about to do is in Trinidadian currency so if the numbers seem inflated, keep that in mind.

1) He gets $1200 a month via disability because he can't work.

2) The house costs $3800 a month to operate (hot water, electricity, phone, cable, and his medication.)

3) His wife would bring home $1000 a month doing odd jobs.

4) His daughter give them $2700 a month. 

5) The house isn't his, it's in my aunt's name. 

See where this is going? This nigga kicked his family out, when they provide $3800 towards keeping the house operational, 100% of the costs. I asked my mom, what did he contribute to the house? " Oh he would wash and cook." I thought she was joking... So right now he's making $1200 and the house costs give or take lets say $3000 to operate because 3 people left the house. This nigga is broke shit and can't afford his medication. Then I did the calculations. He's 50, been sick for 5 years. So he could have worked from 18-45, 27 motherfucking years. I ask my mom, I say, "listen this dude had 27 years of a body that could work and I know he was a mechanic and in the coast guard. Where's that money? " Oh he spent it." She wouldn't tell me me where the money was. 

Then I thought about it. Back in the day when we'd visit on vacation, this guy always had exotic fish. Sharks, piranas, all that shit. He had custom made tanks, must have cost thousands. I said mom tell my I'm lying, this dude spent most of his money on those exotic fish right? Her response: " Aaron listen, it's not good to laugh at people's downfall." To this second, it still hurts to breathe I'm laughing so hard. So in conclusion, he kicked out his family, who take care of all of the expenses, he has no money for medication and if he don't find a way to get cash soon, he'll be homeless. To make matters worse, today, his daughter who just became a lawyer (literally months ago) signed a contract where she'll be making $15-20k a month, and he won't see a dime because she hates him and he just threw her out.

Only black people man, only black people are capable of this stuff. Peace.

Reasons Why You're A Faggot, Part 5

19) For the people who got french names.

If you're name is Michel, Claude, Theirry, Joakim, all that gay shit, then your parents knew you'd be a faggot.

18) People who say "I could care less."

You're a definite faggot, I ain't one for grammar and spelling and shit but stop being so gay, you sound like a fool.

17) People who eat olives.

That shit is disgusting and if you like that then you must be a faggot. 

16) People who use relish.

Who the fuck eats relish? I could understand hot peppers, ketchup, mustard, all that shit but relish? That shit is fucking nasty. Faggot.

15) If you watch the OC or Dawson's Creek back in the day you're a faggot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZMCwa-Cvr4 I ain't gonna lie, I watched both and love it. That don't mean it's straight people shit. It's as gay as they come, but shit is addictive. Leave me alone niggas. 

14) For the people who use sun screen.

Nah fuck all that cream shit, I stay ashy but I'm from the hood, we don't moisturize are skin and shit. Real people say fuck that sun screen, I rather have cancer and they soldier it up. You should to, faggot.

13) If you got a 6-pack you a faggot.

Now I could understand trying to get healthy so you hit the treadmill. But what the fuck you going to be doing on that bow flex and shit and then doing "crunches." Nah homie you are a faggot. Real people say fuck all that, I'm going to have my stomach the way it is and drink all the fucking beer I want. So long as your toes are visible and you could still reach your dick without using GPS, you're fine. 

12) If you listen to techno and electronic music or whatever that genre called, you a faggot.

That gay ass shit has no place in society, take that shit the fuck wherever you found it. It is beyond gay you faggots.

11) If you tell her "I love you" everytime she says it, you're a faggot. 

The other day I withheld it from her. She said it but I want something from her and she ain't budging. So when she said "I love you." I said thanks. Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, she was pisssssssed. She went back to her childhood days "you know I had it rough and I'd prefer if things were easy-ish now (ya she said easy-ish) so can you please say it? I didn't budge. I'm about to get what I want all because I didn't say 3 words. Withhold it a few times and you could get it too. 

10) If you eat Hamburger Helper your a faggot.

I went to someones house a few weeks ago and they made this. The fuck is this shit? It's like bootleg ground beef mixed with the shit in your couch cushion mixed with a herpes infected vagina. This shit, whatever it is, is for the faggots. 

9) If you're a fan of Kanye, you're a faggot.

Not even going to explain this one.

8) If your girl is darker than you, you're a faggot.

This means you simply lost out in life and have reached the staged of faggotry. Life is all about upgrades, and when your bird is darker than you, it ain't an upgrade...

7) If you know what's in a hot-dog, you're a faggot.

Real people eat that cancerous shit at least once a week and suffer the consequences later. 

6) If you never had a pizza-pocket in your life, you're a faggot.

I admit they're not the best tasting shit in the world but you gotta have at least one in your life. 

5) If you named your kid, or know a kid named Destiny or Charity, you a faggot.

4) People who smoke cigs are faggots.

Few weeks ago we were wasted so when we get plastered we smoke to take the edge off. That shit was still in my mouth 2 days later and tastes like death, the fuck is wrong with you?

3) If you use band-aids for cuts, you're a faggot.

Real folks just wash that shit and go about with there day. 

2) People who eat Poutines.

I thought long and hard about this one. The fuck is wrong with y'all. Fries, cheese and gravy ain't meant to be mixed together and shit. And to be honest it's so fucking salty it ends up tasting like death anyway. It ain't even good, y'all just think it's good, as did I. If I want to die quickly I'll just shoot heroin into my dick. 

1) People who take facebook seriously.

I'll post my motherfucking balls on your wall. I don't give a fuck. If you got your parents, bosses or co-workers on facebook and your worried about perceptions then you're the biggest fag ever. I got professors on mine and I'm constantly talking about all sorts of shit. For the people who take facebook seriously or make it into a business thing, y'all are faggots. 

Here's a sample post from my facebook status shit:

"If you are eating the box when she's pregnant. Can you see a head and shit? Food for thought."

Reasons Why You're A Faggot, Part 4

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No Blog Today.

Fuck Revenue Canada. Going to bed. Back Monday.

And So It Continues

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